how can i figure out more if my gf would be fine with a change?

[fromtheunknown]

Hello,

I am 18, i have been in a relationship with my gf for 2 years now, but we are long distanced so we meet every month or so...
Thing is I am "currently" a guy, but I don't really like it, I was trans before, when i was like 14, but I kind of got bullied out of it, despite having support that made me really happy.
Now that I am older I kind of want to seriously address this issue, as I come to think about it every week or month.
Good thing is that, my gf looks kind of supportive, early in our relationship we were experimenting with pronouns (they were basically reversed) and we really liked it, until external pressure came over and we kind of had to stop. And she always brings the topic of crossdressing me from time to time (even though we never really tried it), and she has a sort of fetish for girls with (well.. sticks) and is bisexual anyways. I told her i had a dream about this subject and the response was positive too (well, i assume a drooling emoji is positive?). But 1 issue, she follows a lot of trans creators but always tells me that she only respect trans people if they try to actually present (which is my goal anyways), but if they get a gender (male or female) but don't try to present at it then she says "no wonder they get misgendered", but i don't think that's really gonna affect me, as i think it will be easy to pass as i inherited a lot from my mother's genes.
How do I get closer to fully admitting what I want to be? should I just not be scared and do it now?
Thanks!

PS: I also fear about the fact i might just look like a dude in feminine clothes, but I got told that I look kind of androgynous? like i don't have a lot of very "male" features (no sharp face, i have thin mid-long hair), can makeup make it "easy" or do i need estrogen or ffs asap?

[amber]

Hi fromtheunknown and welcome!

You mentioned you are 18, would you be able to change your age on your profile to reflect that? It is an important rule for us!

I am so sorry you went through that bullying and especially that it pushed you away from being your most authentic self. It is great that you are in a place now to start exploring that again!

Having your girlfriend as support would be great. Do you have any other people or outlets of support?

I want to mention that sexual interest, and actually supporting trans people, do not always go hand and hand. People will often sexualize trans bodies without actually fighting for trans rights. I am not saying this is your girlfriend, but rather that it is important to notice other ways in which she may be supportive to you. It may be helpful to think who would be there for you in hard times.

How does hearing that feel?

[fromtheunknown]

Hi fromtheunknown and welcome!

You mentioned you are 18, would you be able to change your age on your profile to reflect that? It is an important rule for us!

I am so sorry you went through that bullying and especially that it pushed you away from being your most authentic self. It is great that you are in a place now to start exploring that again!

Having your girlfriend as support would be great. Do you have any other people or outlets of support?

I want to mention that sexual interest, and actually supporting trans people, do not always go hand and hand. People will often sexualize trans bodies without actually fighting for trans rights. I am not saying this is your girlfriend, but rather that it is important to notice other ways in which she may be supportive to you. It may be helpful to think who would be there for you in hard times.

How does hearing that feel?

Hello, I said 18 because I was just rounding it anyways, I'm soon that age.
But honestly, I'm friends with like 3 trans people, maybe they could be supportive? But as I mentioned before, me and my girlfriend did "experiment" with gender identity back then and we were both pretty supportive of each other, it only stopped because we kind of got bullied for it again (awkward)....
How can I figure out if she would truly be supportive? I kind of am scared because to her the way you approach an idea changes everything in how its accepted... But I know for sure she is bisexual so what would stop her from still loving me if she doesn't ever make fun of trans people?

[fromtheunknown]

I feel like I should just stop thinking about all this and go on on a normal life... it's really annoying why do I even want that, it would make me feel better but also have a worse life as I'll probably get paid worse, be harassed (as the world is not being progressive right now), and have like 2 years where I will feel out of place during transition... all of this for a result I'm not even sure could be good? Because I don't know... do all people end up passing?

[Heather]

Hey there, fromtheunknown.

You know, there's really no such thing as a "normal life." How people live -- whatever their gender, and whether they are cis, trans, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum -- varies so widely. I get what you're saying though, I think: as someone who has been correcting people misgendering me for decades now, and who is considered less credible by cisgender or even just monogender people, and the wide range of things we who are not cis have to pout up with, you're right, it can be everything from a real pain to...well, very, very real pain.

But personally, I know from observing so many people over my lifetime that living a life where you're not being yourself is also incredibly painful, and doesn't -- from where I am sitting -- look like it is often worth what people get by doing that. Those folks themselves will usually say as much. Same goes for people who are with partners where they don't feel or aren't able to be themselves. All the same, there's no right choice here, just what feels best for you at any given time. <3

I don't love how your girlfriend is talking about trans people in one respect (and no, not everyone ends up passing or even wanting to pass, because not everyone can and not everyone thinks it's okay that they are expected to look a certain way to be considered the gender they are no matter how they look).

tells me that she only respect trans people if they try to actually present (which is my goal anyways), but if they get a gender (male or female) but don't try to present at it then she says "no wonder they get misgendered

Honestly, I find this very offensive. There's no one way people of any gender look, even cisgender people, and what people even can and can't do who WANT to change how they look -- after all, for plenty of us, how we look and our gender isn't in conflict to us, it only is to people thinking and talking like your girlfriend -- has a lot to do with what's even possible (for example, I'd literally have to have my hipbones and my bottom shaved off for people to stop reading me as a woman, a thing that isn't possible) and what people can afford. Cisgender people also sometimes seem to forget that surgical transition is often incredibly expensive, sometimes risky, and not within everyone's reach who wants it.

At the same time, that's not to say she can't learn to do better. You're both young and still learning pretty much everything. So, I'd also be lookin to see how she responds when called out on offensive beliefs and statements like that: does she listen, apologize, and look to learn, or does she double down?

Here's the real questions I'd task you with when it comes to her, because I think this is what really matters: does she feel like someone you feel safe with no matter what? Like someone you feel you can be who you are with and be accepted as? Like someone open to learning things and doing better and growing when needed? I ask those kinds of things because those are things we all need in a partner if we're to have a good relationship no matter what, so it may be the question is less of if you talk to her about this and more of if she's someone you want to be with as a partner whatever your gender identity is or is presented as. Do you know what I mean?

[fromtheunknown]

Hey there, fromtheunknown.

You know, there's really no such thing as a "normal life." How people live -- whatever their gender, and whether they are cis, trans, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum -- varies so widely. I get what you're saying though, I think: as someone who has been correcting people misgendering me for decades now, and who is considered less credible by cisgender or even just monogender people, and the wide range of things we who are not cis have to pout up with, you're right, it can be everything from a real pain to...well, very, very real pain.

But personally, I know from observing so many people over my lifetime that living a life where you're not being yourself is also incredibly painful, and doesn't -- from where I am sitting -- look like it is often worth what people get by doing that. Those folks themselves will usually say as much. Same goes for people who are with partners where they don't feel or aren't able to be themselves. All the same, there's no right choice here, just what feels best for you at any given time. <3

I don't love how your girlfriend is talking about trans people in one respect (and no, not everyone ends up passing or even wanting to pass, because not everyone can and not everyone thinks it's okay that they are expected to look a certain way to be considered the gender they are no matter how they look).

tells me that she only respect trans people if they try to actually present (which is my goal anyways), but if they get a gender (male or female) but don't try to present at it then she says "no wonder they get misgendered

Honestly, I find this very offensive. There's no one way people of any gender look, even cisgender people, and what people even can and can't do who WANT to change how they look -- after all, for plenty of us, how we look and our gender isn't in conflict to us, it only is to people thinking and talking like your girlfriend -- has a lot to do with what's even possible (for example, I'd literally have to have my hipbones and my bottom shaved off for people to stop reading me as a woman, a thing that isn't possible) and what people can afford. Cisgender people also sometimes seem to forget that surgical transition is often incredibly expensive, sometimes risky, and not within everyone's reach who wants it.

At the same time, that's not to say she can't learn to do better. You're both young and still learning pretty much everything. So, I'd also be lookin to see how she responds when called out on offensive beliefs and statements like that: does she listen, apologize, and look to learn, or does she double down?

Here's the real questions I'd task you with when it comes to her, because I think this is what really matters: does she feel like someone you feel safe with no matter what? Like someone you feel you can be who you are with and be accepted as? Like someone open to learning things and doing better and growing when needed? I ask those kinds of things because those are things we all need in a partner if we're to have a good relationship no matter what, so it may be the question is less of if you talk to her about this and more of if she's someone you want to be with as a partner whatever your gender identity is or is presented as. Do you know what I mean?

Well, I have never been this open about myself outside of her, and she is capable of changing, i've noticed it a lot in the past, she is different from the one I met 2 years ago In a positive way, also what I meant by most people end up passing is if most people who will try to present and pass actually "win" at it because unlike some people for me its much more than just the pronouns honestly...
Also, I know this isn't a "truth" still but she has been "teasing" me a lot with like lesbian stuff saying "us" since i started giving her hints on my side??

[Sofi]

Hi there, fromtheunknown.

I wanted to chime in with a few thoughts. First off, it’s great that you’ve noticed your girlfriend has grown in the last two years. I can tell you care about her and it sounds like she cares about you too, but we just want to make sure you feel safe and comfortable to be yourself with her, no matter what that means - what pronouns you use, whether you decide to transition surgically or not, etc. You mentioned she fetishizes trans women and it sounds like ever since you brought up transitioning again she’s been excited about it. Are you feeling pressured by this? The last reason you should ever transition is because it’s what your partner wants you to do, the same thing I’d tell someone who wants to but doesn’t because their partner doesn’t want them to. So I don’t suggest that her opinion has too much weight on your decision, but rather you decide based on what you really want. And ideally, she will be okay and supportive with whatever that decision is.

I want to address your question about whether everyone who’s trans ends up passing. And just because someone doesn’t pass, doesn’t mean it’s just about pronouns for them. As Heather said, this is an offensive assumption, considering not everyone is able to achieve the same looks you might be thinking of. Society’s idea of what a man and a woman looks like is very Eurocentric, too, so folks who don’t naturally have European features have a different starting point and it’s not fair to apply beauty “woman” and “man” standards to everyone equally. What you might perceive as someone “not passing” might not be that in their culture, if that makes sense.

Being trans is inherently about more than just pronouns. It is also about more than just looks and external appearance. Gender is just not as simple as that, and you’re frankly doing yourself a disservice by thinking of it in such a black and white way. Essentially you’re putting yourself in a box and holding yourself to specific standards when really, you get to set those standards for yourself as we all do, and you get to decide what your gender expression is, what pronouns you use, how you present physically, whether you have surgery or not / take hormones or not, etc… it’s all optional and none of it takes away from your truth. There’s no right or wrong way to be trans, and there’s no right or wrong way to be a woman. Whatever it means to YOU is okay - whether your girlfriend thinks so or not, btw.

How do you feel reading that? Do you want to talk more about releasing these ideas about what a trans person and more specifically a trans woman looks like?

[fromtheunknown]

Hi there, fromtheunknown.

I wanted to chime in with a few thoughts. First off, it’s great that you’ve noticed your girlfriend has grown in the last two years. I can tell you care about her and it sounds like she cares about you too, but we just want to make sure you feel safe and comfortable to be yourself with her, no matter what that means - what pronouns you use, whether you decide to transition surgically or not, etc. You mentioned she fetishizes trans women and it sounds like ever since you brought up transitioning again she’s been excited about it. Are you feeling pressured by this? The last reason you should ever transition is because it’s what your partner wants you to do, the same thing I’d tell someone who wants to but doesn’t because their partner doesn’t want them to. So I don’t suggest that her opinion has too much weight on your decision, but rather you decide based on what you really want. And ideally, she will be okay and supportive with whatever that decision is.

I want to address your question about whether everyone who’s trans ends up passing. And just because someone doesn’t pass, doesn’t mean it’s just about pronouns for them. As Heather said, this is an offensive assumption, considering not everyone is able to achieve the same looks you might be thinking of. Society’s idea of what a man and a woman looks like is very Eurocentric, too, so folks who don’t naturally have European features have a different starting point and it’s not fair to apply beauty “woman” and “man” standards to everyone equally. What you might perceive as someone “not passing” might not be that in their culture, if that makes sense.

Being trans is inherently about more than just pronouns. It is also about more than just looks and external appearance. Gender is just not as simple as that, and you’re frankly doing yourself a disservice by thinking of it in such a black and white way. Essentially you’re putting yourself in a box and holding yourself to specific standards when really, you get to set those standards for yourself as we all do, and you get to decide what your gender expression is, what pronouns you use, how you present physically, whether you have surgery or not / take hormones or not, etc… it’s all optional and none of it takes away from your truth. There’s no right or wrong way to be trans, and there’s no right or wrong way to be a woman. Whatever it means to YOU is okay - whether your girlfriend thinks so or not, btw.

How do you feel reading that? Do you want to talk more about releasing these ideas about what a trans person and more specifically a trans woman looks like?

I know that trans isn't just about looks overall, but for me it really is, i would hate it if i never end up looking like the girl i wish I was... It's genuinely my need to pass... ever since the first time I tried, but also, she doesn't pressure me, it actually excites me too! I really think I could come out to her, also its not just a fetish its also respect, she really respects some trans people especially because of a few trans artists or some with themes about it.
I'm not white, but I don't wanna "unleash" more info in public like this, but is it harder to pass like that or no?

But yes, I'd love to have a convo with someone directly in live, but I can't use text since it will cost on my phone plan since it's US based?

[char]

Hi there! We have an online chat service that's open on Tuesdays at 3-6 PM CET/Swiss time and Sundays at 6-9 PM CET. You'll know we're live when you're able to see the little red chat button floating on the site.

[Sofi]

Hi there, I wanted to pop back in to respond to your last post. I have a few thoughts, but the option to come into our live chat is also still there, so feel free to do that as well.

I hear you on wanting to pass, but I wonder where this comes from. It's hard for me not to think this is coming from your girlfriend saying things like she only respects trans people who pass... are you sure this isn't adding pressure on you to "pass"? I put it in quotations because as I said in my last post, that can be subjective. Which brings me to your question - it's not that it's harder to pass if you're not white, but that society's beauty standards in most of the world, especially Western countries, are based around white European features. This includes white skin but also straighter hair textures, certain facial features, and even things like thinness and height play into it as well. Often, when thinking of how a woman should look, people think of someone with certain facial features who's also thin but with some curves (but not too much) - we see this in the fact that some surgeries offered to trans folks like feminization surgery are aimed at that standard. And realistically that's often not how BIPOC women look naturally, as genetics plays into all this. Does that make sense?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with getting such surgeries, by the way, but it's good to keep in mind that there isn't a standard way women look. Some women naturally have some of the features those surgeries are trying to get rid of. This becomes a problem in many ways, one being that sometimes cis women who "look masculine" (again, in quotations on purpose) get harassed for being trans. This hurts trans people as well, because as you can see, it perpetuates the idea that there's a right and wrong way to look if you're trans, and that there's a specific look that makes you pass as a woman. I just want you to think about all this a bit more and reflect on where this need to "pass" is coming from. Again, I'm not saying it's wrong to get surgery or do anything else that's gender affirming, you have every right to do what you want with your body. But it doesn't define whether you're "really" trans or not, like your girlfriend has said. That's just not a fair way to think about it.

I understand you don't feel that your girlfriend fetishizes trans people, but what you've described to us IS fetishizing. I want to send you a couple links to read more about this and I'm not asking for an answer back from you, I just want you to sit with it and think about it. She's also said things that were transphobic, and following trans creators or listening to trans artists does not mean she respects them or is an ally. This is similar to when people say they aren't racist because they listen to Black and brown artists or are dating a BIPOC person, but then say microaggressions and generally aren't an ally. It can be confusing when you first encounter this concept, so like I said, just sit with it for a bit (perhaps do some more research/reading on this too?)
My Trans Identity Is Not A Fetish
Why People Who Fetishize Trans Women Are Not Our Allies
I'm also not accusing your girlfriend of being a bad person or of only liking you because you're trans. There's a chance she doesn't even realize she's fetishizing trans women or saying transphobic things, but I just wanted to make you aware that she is. How does it make you feel to hear this? Feel free to continue chatting with me here, or meet us in chat tomorrow or Sunday. No rush or pressure either way. <3