Was this COCSA? (Please help)

[Gonnacryy]

(warning, kind goes I do detail)

Hi, I'm new to this so do cut me some slack.

I've been thinking of some things that happened when I was a kid, and I was wondering if it was considered COCSA or just curiosity. I also was wondering if maybe this was what might be the problem for why im so hypersexual now as an older teen? If you can even answer that part.

It had to be around kindergarten, maybe 5 or 6. I remember this kid in my class that used to touch my genitals. We both knew we shouldn't be doing it cause we waited for everyone to stop walking past us in the lunch room or go sit down after putting up their backpacks, and I'm pretty sure I gave consent the first two of three times. But there was this this one specific time I remember that he said he wanted to touch me before we sat down for class, and I felt really uncomfortable with the idea but let him do it anyways just so he wouldn't ask me anymore. But surprise surprise, he asked me again. I told him I didn't want to do it anymore and he never asked again.

There was another time around fourth grade I believe with my cousin. We used to build cushion forts out of the couch cushions and “mess around” in them. Most of the time it was licking and kissing, but I remember one time he forced my head down on him the first time I was ever sucking his genitals. He was a really bad kid, he was held back to grades from me even though we were the same age. I also remember I didn't know much or really anything about inappropriate things like that. He was the one that suggested we do it, saying it felt good and that's what adults do.

There where at least two or three more instances that I could think of that had to do with inappropriate things between me and other kids my age, different people in different situations. but it was either just daring to watch porn or consensual touching and kissing out of curiosity.

Can you please help me understand my situation better? I feel like my mind can be put at ease once I stop doubting my conclusions on things that happened long in the past.

I also hope this can make me feel a little more confident about myself.

[Heather]

Hi there, Gonnacry, and welcome to the boards. We always cut everyone slack here, it's a very easygoing place, so fret not. <3

Before I say anything else, I want to say that hypersexuality is not considered a credible framework by most of us who work in sex education or sex therapy. That's mostly because for there to be a hyper- or hypo- sexuality, there would have to be a way, or kind or amount of being sexual that is standard for everyone, and there's just no such thing. Human sexuality is incredibly diverse, and there's no one kind of sex, frequency of sex, or way of feeling about sex that's a norm from which everything deviates. We can talk about how you feel about your sexuality at present if you like, to check in and see if there's anything that feels wrong to you, or feels compulsive, but chances are good that what you're considering hypersexuality isn't anything wrong or generally problematic, but just a sense you have that your sexuality is somehow "more" in some way than other people's.

It's ultimately always going to be up to you to determine what has or hasn't been abuse for you, but I can weight in on my sense of what you've described to help you do that.

The first instances you are describing sound like common expressions of early childhood sexual curiosity to me, not like anyone engaging in any kind of power-over or control dynamics. If you were the same age, which it sounds like you were, and there was no physical force involved, this sounds more like exploration than abuse to me. That second piece you are talking about certainly doesn't sound like it was something you wanted, but it happening doesn't sound like it happened because the other kid was abusing you, but more because you weren't able to figure out how to ask him not to do it, so were passive, which isn't surprising given how little you were and how long it can take some kinds to learn to assert themselves in general.

It also sounds like the other instances of you doing things with other kids all sounds pretty normal to me, like things kids will tend to do together out of sexual curiosity. You are saying those things are inappropriate, but I'm not sure what standard you're measuring that by, just like the earlier experiences you described. We can talk about this if you like.

What you are describing with your cousin, however, is feeling more like something where power and control; and nonconsent were involved. I don't think his academic issues tell us anything, but you saying that he physically forced you to do something sexual, and it sounding like he talked you into some things are generally indications of abuse. If you felt like he was a bad kid, you also may have felt afraid of him, which would have given you less agency and him more.

How does all of that land with you?