Scarleteen

Hello!
I’ve wanted to identify as a lesbian for two years now but I still feel like I cant because I’ve dated men in the past and thought I was straight for most of my life.

I should add that i am also demisexual so it took me longer to even realize that I am queer.
Ive only had two crushes on men and both of them developed after they showed interested in me first. Looking back, I realize that I really craved male validation and loved the attention. I didnt feel sexually attracted to the first one at all and felt very uncomfortable when we almost kissed.. but with the second guy I was in a relationship with for a year. I genuinely thought I liked him at the time and I could also enjoy being sexually intimate with him. I think I liked being wanted in that way and could get turned on but I’m not sure if I found him or his body very appealing ? The relationship didn’t end badly but when I look back on it (and especially those sexual experiences) now, I feel disgusted, repulsed and want to crawl out of my skin.

As soon at it was over, I pretty much knew I did not want to date a man ever again. Sometimes I think I only did because of the societal pressure and once I had those experiences of a first kiss, relationship, etc. out of the way, I realized that I really didn’t want any of that. I stopped being interested in men and only had crushes on women since then.

I’ve still never dated a woman but I did make out with one at a club once. She was a total stranger, so I didn’t feel any sexual attraction but it felt so nice and soft and afterwards I knew that I would never want to kiss a man again.

When I fantasize about my future partner I can only picture a woman. The idea of coming home to a man makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. That’s why labelling myself as bisexual doesn’t feel right to me because I haven’t had any interest in men for years and just the thought of ending up with one scares me terribly. But I also feel like a fraud for using the lesbian label when I used to have some sort of interest and feelings for men in the past and haven’t had any real experiences with women yet.
I don’t know how to differentiate if it’s internalized biphobia or just comphet. I would appreciate if anyone could help or share their thoughts on this. Thank you xx

I’ve dated men in the past and thought I was straight for most of my life.

You've just described the majority of lesbians throughout history. I promise you that this -- nor just about anything else -- somehow disqualifies you from being lesbian or identifying yourself as a lesbian. You are not a fraud. I promise.

Words we use for orientation are meant to be shorthand that describes who we know ourselves to be in the present and who we are generally attracted to in the present. We can't predict the future, and the past is often inaccurate in this respect. Who you are right now is what this is all about.

Too, it's often historically been the case that a lot of people who have identified as some kind of queer in history -- and who identify as now, in the present -- have done so before or without sexual or romantic experience with someone under the umbrella of their orientation. Because there are few of us who identify and want to live that way than straight people, and because we (still) live in cultures that don't fully embrace us, a lot of queer people, including people in their 40s, 50s and up, go without experience because they go without opportunities. Orientation isn't about describing our experience, nor does it require it: it's far more about what we feel, than what we do.

How about you try letting yourself identify the way you want and see what happens? <3

Thank you so much for your response! It really helped to hear this and made me feel so seen.
I guess I sometimes feel so insecure about it because there is so much discourse online and criticism about bisexual women misidentifying themselves as lesbians. It sounds silly but I’m scared of adding onto that and “offending” other lesbians.
It really helps to hear that the label is only there to describe the present and what feels right. Thank you <3

Hello, Flowerydreamz! I'm glad Heather's response helped you!

I wouldn't say your fears sound silly. It is scary to listen to upset people argue online and to hear that, in their opinion, the way you want to identify is hurting them. You just don't want to offend, and that is one of the most understandable concerns in the world.

The issue is that the loudest voices don't always represent the opinions of a group fairly. I think there are plenty of lesbians who wouldn't see the need to worry about bisexual women somehow misidentifying themselves. That sort of scrutiny, we know, doesn't help anyone see their feelings of attraction for what they are. People need space to grow and change and try new things so they can learn about themselves.