realising it was s/a or abuse? i don't know..
Posted: Sat Dec 27, 2025 3:59 am
i posted on here during my relationship. we broke up in april.
very long im sorry i need to tell sombody.
my ex was two years older than me. she was very sexual, masturbating every day, somtimes mulitple times. she had depression and i think used it as a way to feel somthing, she also self harmed. things she didn't tell me when we first started dating. at first, everything was alright, she was kind, had savings from her job and bought me things like chocolate. but about 3 months in it took a bad turn.
she told me about her mental health issues, and i was distraught to hear, of course, i was. i had just turned 15 years old and was only barely realising these issues were everywhere and how serious they could get. i was suicidal for a little bit when i was thirteen but that blew over once the bulling got better. i have ocd and anxiety myself so i could empathise with her.
when i went to her school formal, all i wanted to do was dance, she wasn't interested. she was horny, suggested we makeout in a (locked, metal door) supply closet, her friends were there, i didn't know the venue, i didn't know anyone. i was so uncomfortable and said no. she later said she felt a little bit guilty when i told her my feelings. that night, after the dance, she sobbed next to me while we waited for her parents because i had said i wanted to wait until i was 16 (minimum age of consent where i live) before we had sex. she didn't want to wait that long, and "felt bad" that she wanted to have sex. i knew that if she got this upset that she would self harm. she would text me somtimes, at night, saying she stole a kitchen knife. i would wait hours to talk her out of it, or beg her to go to her parents. eventually, we agreed to have sex on her 17th birthday. we got walked in on. twice. i forget the specifics, i think i just wanted to not remember.
During this time, i developed anorexia. ive never been officially diagnosed, by nature of the illness, i wanted to hide it. i ate as little as possible, often throwing food out. i got a job that required me to walk and move stuff like bins and cleaning equipment and mops. and i worked long hours into the night (often 12:30 am) i lost a lot of weight. i tried to confide in her but she told me i wasn't anorexic. i developed bulimia. i asked her, what would she do if i told her i was making myself throw up, she said if i was that i needed serious help and it was fucked up. i didn't tell her.
she bought a dildo, tried to use it on me, but it hurt too much and didn't fit, she would insert fingers during sex ( and we had to have sex every time we hung out, and we had to hang out every weekend, if i was a minute late she would cry. i remember one time mum dropped me off late and i was freaking out in the car about what she would ) i still experince pain around my vagina. i was very worried about stds (ocd) and i got tested descretly but she refused to, telling me later that she gets lumps on her fingers somtimes but she was "sure that it wasn't anything, and we're both virgins so it's not an std". that still pisses me the absolute fuck off because it damn well may be somthing and i have no fucking clue.
she pressured me to orgasm. i still never have. she would hang up on calls and tell me to jerk off until i did or she wouldn't talk to me. she told me that i wasn't trying hard enough. i would beg her to take the antidepressants at the end of the relationship but she just didn't. during the last two months, if anything wasn't her way she would go cold and quiet. she would go depressed. she would somtimes even self harm. i tried to throw myself at her if this happened, and i had a job so i spent money for her, whatever she wanted. god fuck.
i remember now, the relationship is a blur but i remember when im in the shower somtimes, and when she and i were showing together and she shoved her hands into my vulva without warning. i remember when she started touching me when we were trying to watch a show i wanted to show her. i remember that she told me "why i just couldn't be like a normal teenager" when i said that i actually didn't want to have sex in an (extremely public, mind you) bush in a park. i had agreed to meet, but she was really fucking mad when i decided to say no instead of yes. i told her "Well im sorry im not normal" i half expected her to comfort me. she said nothing.
there is more im sure. i thought the sex was fun a lot of the time, i liked sex, i was interested in it. i sure as hell would be more interested in it now if this whole relationship didn't happen. but when i remember, i shake, i hyperventilate. i nearly pass out in that damn shower.
it's a blur when i look back. i struggle to remember that stage of my life. i am much better now. recovered from my EDs. i don't self harm anymore. but i can't remember much. my grades were ass, my life was shit.
but it feels wrong to say i was raped or abused. i wasn't physically forced, and sometimes i consented enthusiastically, sometimes i instigated. i don't know. i had to tell somebody.
very long im sorry i need to tell sombody.
my ex was two years older than me. she was very sexual, masturbating every day, somtimes mulitple times. she had depression and i think used it as a way to feel somthing, she also self harmed. things she didn't tell me when we first started dating. at first, everything was alright, she was kind, had savings from her job and bought me things like chocolate. but about 3 months in it took a bad turn.
she told me about her mental health issues, and i was distraught to hear, of course, i was. i had just turned 15 years old and was only barely realising these issues were everywhere and how serious they could get. i was suicidal for a little bit when i was thirteen but that blew over once the bulling got better. i have ocd and anxiety myself so i could empathise with her.
when i went to her school formal, all i wanted to do was dance, she wasn't interested. she was horny, suggested we makeout in a (locked, metal door) supply closet, her friends were there, i didn't know the venue, i didn't know anyone. i was so uncomfortable and said no. she later said she felt a little bit guilty when i told her my feelings. that night, after the dance, she sobbed next to me while we waited for her parents because i had said i wanted to wait until i was 16 (minimum age of consent where i live) before we had sex. she didn't want to wait that long, and "felt bad" that she wanted to have sex. i knew that if she got this upset that she would self harm. she would text me somtimes, at night, saying she stole a kitchen knife. i would wait hours to talk her out of it, or beg her to go to her parents. eventually, we agreed to have sex on her 17th birthday. we got walked in on. twice. i forget the specifics, i think i just wanted to not remember.
During this time, i developed anorexia. ive never been officially diagnosed, by nature of the illness, i wanted to hide it. i ate as little as possible, often throwing food out. i got a job that required me to walk and move stuff like bins and cleaning equipment and mops. and i worked long hours into the night (often 12:30 am) i lost a lot of weight. i tried to confide in her but she told me i wasn't anorexic. i developed bulimia. i asked her, what would she do if i told her i was making myself throw up, she said if i was that i needed serious help and it was fucked up. i didn't tell her.
she bought a dildo, tried to use it on me, but it hurt too much and didn't fit, she would insert fingers during sex ( and we had to have sex every time we hung out, and we had to hang out every weekend, if i was a minute late she would cry. i remember one time mum dropped me off late and i was freaking out in the car about what she would ) i still experince pain around my vagina. i was very worried about stds (ocd) and i got tested descretly but she refused to, telling me later that she gets lumps on her fingers somtimes but she was "sure that it wasn't anything, and we're both virgins so it's not an std". that still pisses me the absolute fuck off because it damn well may be somthing and i have no fucking clue.
she pressured me to orgasm. i still never have. she would hang up on calls and tell me to jerk off until i did or she wouldn't talk to me. she told me that i wasn't trying hard enough. i would beg her to take the antidepressants at the end of the relationship but she just didn't. during the last two months, if anything wasn't her way she would go cold and quiet. she would go depressed. she would somtimes even self harm. i tried to throw myself at her if this happened, and i had a job so i spent money for her, whatever she wanted. god fuck.
i remember now, the relationship is a blur but i remember when im in the shower somtimes, and when she and i were showing together and she shoved her hands into my vulva without warning. i remember when she started touching me when we were trying to watch a show i wanted to show her. i remember that she told me "why i just couldn't be like a normal teenager" when i said that i actually didn't want to have sex in an (extremely public, mind you) bush in a park. i had agreed to meet, but she was really fucking mad when i decided to say no instead of yes. i told her "Well im sorry im not normal" i half expected her to comfort me. she said nothing.
there is more im sure. i thought the sex was fun a lot of the time, i liked sex, i was interested in it. i sure as hell would be more interested in it now if this whole relationship didn't happen. but when i remember, i shake, i hyperventilate. i nearly pass out in that damn shower.
it's a blur when i look back. i struggle to remember that stage of my life. i am much better now. recovered from my EDs. i don't self harm anymore. but i can't remember much. my grades were ass, my life was shit.
but it feels wrong to say i was raped or abused. i wasn't physically forced, and sometimes i consented enthusiastically, sometimes i instigated. i don't know. i had to tell somebody.