Scarleteen

Hi I wanted to start by thanking you for having the space to discuss queer issues.

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years. I thought our sex life was fine now, it took us a while to get here because of my issues*. But now she told me she's not satisfied and she knew going into this relationship with me that I'm more of a receiver and I didn't want to sacrifice my long nails since I'm trying to be a nail artist and I primarily work on my own nails to post online.
But now she said she expected things to change and be more balanced out by now and they're not.
She does initiate like 80% of the time and it's mostly focused on me, we start with me and she uses everything- stimulation, penetration and oral.
Then when we're done with me I rub her off and that's it.
She said she doesn't feel wanted or attractive to me when that isn't the case at all. I'm just very weird about sex and I think it has to do with my past.
* 5 years ago, at the start of college when I moved to the capital city I finally felt like I can explore my sexuality but I was deep into comphet and I tried forcing myself to be with men to try and not be a lesbian. That led to my first and only sexual experience before my gf being rape. It did make me accept I'm a lesbian but since then I kinda shut off sexually. I was too scared to even give my gf a cheek kiss at the start of our relationship anything more than that absolutely terrified me. But she was very patient and we went very slowly and I came out of my shell a little.
But the thought of being more active in sex - of doing penetration or oral terrifies me so much.
So now I dont know what to do, my girlfriend wants those things and ever since we've had this conversation she's been cold to me.
I think part of me might be scared because I think I'll be awful at it since I have no experience, because of what happened to me I was too afraid to even touch myself so I feel like I wont know what to do with another woman's bits.
I'm scared of being bad at it and the rejection that comes from that and maybe her realising she can't do this for the rest of her life.

Hi there, welcome to the boards. I hear your frustration around this, and there's a lot to address and talk about here, but I don't want to overwhelm you and would rather this be an ongoing conversation so we can address everything with as much depth as you want or need.

So I want to start with letting you know that your feelings about sex, such as the fear and anxiousness, are completely valid. You went through something traumatic, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's perfectly valid to feel hesitant about sex now, especially if you haven't been able to process that trauma yet. Have you talked to anyone about this - friends, family, etc aside from your girlfriend? And have you talked to any mental health professionals about it?

I also just want to mention that I understand your concerns about not being good at it, but the thing is, that's just not how sex works. There's no objectively good or bad - everyone likes things differently, so it should be a custom experience to you and your partner anyway. It's actually super important to have conversations about this so you know what your partner wants, needs, and doesn't want, and in the moment she can also guide you or ask you to do more of something, less of something, do it a different way, etc. These are healthy and normal conversations to have before and during sex, so I suggest starting there. That will help you also open up with her and it will also make you feel more confident once you know a bit more about what she likes. Remember, though, our sexual preferences can and often do change throughout our life, so it's also normal for either or both of you to like/want something a certain way now, and that change in the future. That's why these conversations are ongoing. <3

Here's a good place to start, you can do this with her and it can be a bonding and even healing activity to discuss all this so openly with her: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist