why can’t i orgasm with my bf?

[ssoph_1]

we are quite new to eachother but we’ve done the basics ( fingering and stuff) but i can’t orgasm. i’ve been faking it and i feel so bad. when we do stuff like that my aim is more to give him pleasure not me, i feel like it’s because i take too long to finish and just give up. normally it takes close to 10 minutes for me alone and i only let him do it for about 2 but i feel bad if he has to do it for a long time. i’m also a virgin so he can only use 1 finger so it doesn’t hurt as 2 fingers seems too much. we’ve tried sex but he can’t fit and it honestly just really hurts me to the point i make him stop, we’ve tried atleast 5 times now and it just doesn’t work and i feel bad as we’re long distance and im very inexperienced ( never had a bf before) and ive never done anything with a guy. i’m so confused and im very attracted to him and i do get physically wet so lube isn’t the problem i don’t think… any advice pls?

[mikky]

Hi ssoph_1, so glad you’re here.

So, 10 minutes of a partner focusing on you/your pleasure is not a very long time. Even much, much longer periods of time wouldn’t be “too long,” but I get the sense that it feels pretty uncomfortable for you to ask for/accept that type of focus. Why do you feel that the aim is his pleasure over yours? Do you feel that you don’t deserve pleasure as well? If so, we’ll want to talk more about that <3

I will caution against faking orgasms. It creates really difficult to navigate communication, because essentially, you’re telling your partner “this feels good and works for me” when that isn’t true. Here’s an advice column for someone else in a similar situation: A Faking Farewell

Another thing is that the type of sex you are having is valid even if it isn’t intercourse (penis in vagina). I am glad to hear that you do feel comfortable enough to say to stop when it is hurting. Anxiety/our mental readiness can have a huge impact on relaxation of muscles that would make intercourse comfortable or doable. When you’ve tried this type of sex, how were you feeling mentally? What kind of foreplay/activities did you do prior?

[ssoph_1]

well normally prior to it he touches me and we kiss and stuff and i physically feel ready but when we try it just feels like he’s hitting a wall and he doesn’t want to hurt me so he stops. it’s frustrating because i do want to take that step with him but i just can’t be wise it hurts, im very comfortable around him and he’s really understanding, he talks to me throughout and checks up on me. im not very good at communicating how i feel with my voice so instead he just makes me hold his hand and squeeze when it’s too much. any movement hurts though and it’ll also hurt the next day. i just don’t understand

[Sofi]

Hi ssoph_1, hope it's okay if I jump in. I wanted to mention a few things: first, it's great that he's being considerate and attentive to how you feel and you're letting him know to stop when it hurts. Sex can sometimes be a bit uncomfortable (as Mikky said, if we're not fully relaxed mentally or we're kind of stressed/anxious/nervous, it can affect how much we're able to relax our muscles and therefore any insertion feels uncomfortable and difficult), but it should not be painful. If there's a level of pain that it is still hurting the next day even though you're not really having insertive sex for long, this could be something like vaginismus. That's something only a medical professional can diagnose, though, so seeing a gynecologist could be a good option.

That said, if it's more of a discomfort than pain, it also sounds like it could be because of all this pressure you're feeling. (It could also be both!) So I really suggest talking to him about it - I know it can be hard to communicate about this stuff, but it's really important we're able to communicate clearly with our sexual partners. You don't have to tell him you've been faking it, but you could talk about how you're feeling (like when you said: "when we do stuff like that my aim is more to give him pleasure not me, i feel like it’s because i take too long to finish and just give up.") and let him reassure you that he's equally invested in your pleasure, and he could help you feel more comfortable about letting him focus on you for longer. As Mikky stated, 10 minutes isn't really that long, and it's common for people to need longer before they're fully ready for insertive sex. If your partner doesn't want to focus on your pleasure for longer than a few minutes, that's a whole separate issue.

I also just want to mention that sex isn't linear how we see it portrayed in movies and other media, where it goes from kissing to "foreplay" for a couple minutes to insertive/penis-in-vagina sex, then orgasm and done. That's how a lot of people have sex, unfortunately, because they're sticking to this made up script we've been showed. But realistically, lots of people aren't having sex like that, nor is it the ideal way. Here at Scarleteen we also don't really believe in "foreplay" as a concept, since that implies oral, manual, and anything other than penis-in-vagina sex isn't actually sex, even though it is. So it's also okay to kind of bounce around different things until you feel comfortable and ready for insertive sex IF that's even something you want to do that day/at all. It's still sex if you do everything but that, and we shouldn't rush through any of it to get to the next thing, because none of it is the "main course", it's still all part of sex. Just wanted to explain that a bit, does that make sense?