Scarleteen

Content warning: My experience of living in U.S. political catastrophe, angst, mention of mental health issues and marginalization
I wasn’t sure where is the best to post this, so mods, please move it if somewhere else is better.

Hi everyone,

I’m a trans girl (with many other marginalized identities) living in the U.S. The exact area I’m in is quite calm, but I read news and hear people talking about so many terrible things happening. I’m usually stressed and often depressed and/or anxious (these only stop when I’m with my friends, and then only sometimes). I don’t hate myself, but I don’t love myself either.
I have great friends and close friendships, although my anxiety, depression, and dysphoria make it hard for me to relax into the greatness and be myself in what I want to give and get from them, both in support for the bad and joy in the good. Sometimes I am so very and joyfully not-alone, sometimes I feel very alone.
I don’t really know how much danger I’m in (from various sources, but not my friends), but it feels like a lot.

With that background in mind, as I often do when stressed and lonely, I’ve been reading Scarleteen stuff, specifically guidance on romantic relationships and knowing when you’re ready for them. (The guidance is also for friendships, but I’m already in them and I think they’re pretty healthy/healthy enough.)
One of the things I’ve been thinking about from the guidance is the need to love yourself before loving others. Another thing is the importance of having a life of your own, dreams that are being pursued, etc, outside of the relationship. To be blunt, while there are definitely parts of my self esteem I can work on in therapy and talk about with my friends, and things I need to do to pursue my dreams, I have no control over what terrible new thing of the month gets declared about my marginalized identity, and little control over what futures will be possible.
That’s a lot of words to give context for my question: is seeking romance (which to me means close friendship plus mutual romantic attraction stuff like kissing) with other queer people who are immersed in the terribleness ok, even if I don’t love myself yet; don’t know what or where my future will be? I’m not yet *fully* ready for romance, but do I need to be?

Thanks, and apologies for this post being so long,
- AQ

Hey there, AQ. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're hanging in there. It's so incredibly hard to live in the world right now, and so especially hard to feel safe in it, especially as marginalized people. I'm glad you feel safe here. (Also, bonus props for the Amy Schalet quote!)

In my experience of life over the last half-century plus, and based on everything I know about people, self-love is an ongoing process. We're never done and we're never all the way there, and it also is something with peaks and valleys depending on what's going on with us, our life histories and experiences, and certainly our overarching environments. I also agree with you: who freaking knows what's coming next and what the future will bring: I think, like it sounds you do, that this makes seeking joy and connection and love all the more precious and important.

I don't think anyone needs to be fully ready for love relationships to be in them in healthy ways for everyone, and sometimes we need to be in them to learn how to be in them, anyway. Plus, what we even need to be ready *for* varies a whole lot from connection to connection, relationship to relationship, and all of our intimate relationships are unique learning experiences in love and self-love. It's okay to learn as you go. If you're ever in something where you find you don't feel ready or something isn't right for you otherwise, you always get to adjust in whatever way feels best. Love is adaptable.

tl;dr: I say go for it. Life is short and it's currently so rough, and we all need all the connection we can muster. <3