GF Regretting Not Having “Ho Phase”

[MountainMix]

My gf and I have been together for almost three years now. We’ve had our difficulties in the past but have move past a lot of our issues. However, now my gf is desiring to have what she calls a “whore phase” where she sleeps around with anyone and everyone she wants because she never got the opportunity before as she was in a conservative environment. Before, when I was first starting T, I was EXTREMELY horny and she would not have sex with me because her libido was low due to her HRT. But now that her libido is back, instead of having sex with me, she wants to explore with a bunch of people. I had to suppress my sexual desires for years because she had no sexual desire for that time, but now that she has it she has no problem sleeping around. I feel like she’s doing this because she wants validation from people. She’s constantly asking me if I think she’s pretty, if I think people like her, if I think she’s feminine enough, etc. And she also keeps telling me about people she thinks wants her sexually (although I don’t even know if her judgements are true) because she wants to feel desired and she told me she loves the attention. I really don’t understand this phase. She told me she loves me and she doesn’t want to leave me, but shes not really talking to me like she genuinely wants a committed relationship. She says “When people see I have you, then they back away and I lose my chance with them” as if our relationship is some burden. And when I told her that if we open up the relationship I will also be “whoring around” like her and possibly more so because I used to be embedded in the ENM and kink community and that she might get insecure because she constantly compares herself to others, she agreed and said most likely she would feel a type of way. I just want to understand what’s going on. Is this a phase? Or just a natural end to the relationship?

[Latha]

Hi there, MountainMix,

I'm hearing that your girlfriend's interests are making you feel
unappreciated and unsure in your relationship--and I understand why. As your probably know, when people are ethically non-monogamous, they don't usually treat their existing partners as though they are a barrier to their happiness and to making new connections.

I couldn't recommend opening up your relationship as is--the two of your need to feel secure in your current relationship before trying any of that, and the terms of your new relationship have to be fair both of you. If you are not comfortable with the idea of opening up your relationship right now, she should ideally recognize that and stop bringing it up, or talk to you honestly about how your current relationship isn't working for her.

We can't exactly say whether this is a phase or not, but we help you consider your next steps. It sounds like this is the same partner you mentioned in previous posts. If that is right, could you say a little about what you feel has changed since then? Do you feel like your relationship is generally healthy outside of this, and meets your needs? Do you think you've healed from the emotional abuse you mentioned?

[MountainMix]

For a while last year towards the end, I honestly felt like we were finally in a good spot. There were no arguments, we were both going to therapy, we were talking through things, she stopped the abusive behaviors she was exhibiting before. It actually felt like we were genuinely engaging in a healthy relationship with one another. I would say it was like this for a few months. But then, after our trip from North Carolina with my family early January, something snapped in her. I don’t know what and I don’t know why.

I started having to do all the household chores, plus my job while juggling my mental health. Meanwhile, she is finishing up her last semester of school. She’s only taking one class and so she feels like she has all the time on the world to do what she wishes, while also not contributing to the household work. She also told me she wanted to go to raves, do drugs, and be more social but that I was boring and didn’t do those things (which isn’t even true). We had been going to a queer sports event where we played sports with other queers in the community every week and we socialized a lot with people. We also did go out to clubs and parties every so often. But she told me she wanted to party every week. And she also wanted to go to strip clubs and “whore around”. I was just so confused.

Eventually, recently, I got exhausted to the point where I had a mental health crisis in a party we had attended. We were both high and I had a bad trip. I went to the car where I had suicidal thoughts from how burnt out I was and eventually she followed me and helped me out. After I calmed down, I told her I needed to be home to take care of myself and she said no, that she wanted to party and that I needed to stay because I was her ride and I would be responsible if something happened to her. So she left me in the car to my thoughts while she partied with her friends. Eventually she came back and when I got out of the car to let her in, there was a bus coming and for a split second I thought of not getting out of the way. But eventually I did and we went home. Then we got in a huge fight about responsibilities.

She eventually apologized for leaving me alone with my suicidal thoughts and she acknowledged how she could have approached the situation better. We even came up with a safety plan in case that ever happened to either of us again (as she also had an episode last year too). But now she’s saying that I traumatized her and that her therapist told her therapist told her I was a “red flag” for being suicidal that night. I really couldn’t believe it because from my experience with mental health, someone being suicidal is not a “red flag”, it’s a serious mental health condition that needs treatment. And now she’s saying I’m super emotionally unregulated while she’s the stable one.

And now she’s talking about liking this 19 year old girl in a club she’s in and constantly asking me if I think she likes her, too. I think it’s weird af as my gf is a 28 year old grown woman. Obviously the girl is of legal age, but she has JUST entered adulthood and it’s concerning my gf is genuinely even considering her romantically. And my gf says she doesn’t really want to “whore around” anymore, she just wants really close, intimate relationships with people, which confuses me even more. All of this happened within the past couple weeks and I’m just flabbergasted.

I feel like what happening is that my gf just really doesn’t know what she wants, is emotionally immature, and is most likely not ready for the responsibilities needed to be in a healthy, committed relationship. She’s also avoiding repair and work within our relationship so she’s now resorting to finding that connection with others as she feels it’s “easier” and is fixated on a teenager because teenagers are easier for her to manipulate than a grown adult. And she’s most likely not being honest with her therapist about most of this because there’s no way a therapist would say someone is a “red flag” for having an accuse mental health crisis….

[KierC]

Hey MountainMix <3

Goodness, this sounds incredibly difficult to endure. I am so sorry to hear that your partner has been treating you this way. I’m also sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts. It sounds like you have a safety plan with your partner, but do you have one for yourself as well if you feel unsafe, and can you tell me a little bit about what your support and health system look like?

It sounds like this has been a really stressful and exhausting time in this relationship. How are you feeling about it right now? What sort of support do you think would be most helpful?

[MountainMix]

I don’t have a safety plan. I do have a good support network of friends I trust. I’m currently talking to one now about all this.

In feeling hurt and destabilized. I guess I just need confirmation that I’m not crazy or overreacting. Or confirmation that I am.

[char]

Hi MountainMix,

Chiming in to say I am sorry that you've been having a rough time with your girlfriend. It's completely understandable--and valid--that you feel hurt and destabilized over how your girlfriend is feeling. From what I've gathered, it sounds like the two of you have differing ideas and expectations when it comes to your relationship structure, and your girlfriend isn't the most respectful of your preferences. You're definitely not overreacting, especially considering that she wants to involve someone much younger than her into her romantic life.

Adding to what Kier said, I think it'd be a good idea to prepare a safety plan for yourself. You can refer to this article of ours: The Scarleteen Safety Plan.