Is it weird to want to live with a friend?

[space alien.]

Hello! My question's in the title.

── Context/Rant .𖥔 ݁ ˖── .✦

I was online-schooled for all of high school because my parents are kind of political and religious. So my friends were online classmates who I met in robotics, club leadership, etc. At the beginning of 12th grade I reached out to this girl in my class on LinkedIn asking her to team up with me on a competition. In reality, I just wanted to her friend. I was successful because we did become friends, we've talked to each other plenty in the 1.5 years since and have met in-person a few times for competitions.

Now at some point I was asking her questions about if she "liked anyone" and I learned from her that she just wants to be single her entire life. Well, great, that makes her roommate potential.

However, everytime I've brought it up over the last year, she's had liitle interest. Though, she never seems against the idea either and that's what confuses me.

It would be cool if we could go to the same college or something, I could roommate with her that way, but she's super advanced to me (she's working on her masters at 19, I'm working on my associates at 18) so it seems the timing isn't going to line up for us ever again. I suggested she could get her PhD from the same school I'm planning to transfer into for my bachelors (20% acceptance rate, not a bad school at all!) ...then she said only plans to go to ivy league schools, out of state. I mean there's definetely no gaurantee that will work out for her, even with perfect grades, so maybe I don't have to lose all my hope. That's not a kind thing for me to want though, for her to get rejected from her dream schools.

I may've brought up the idea to my parents once, and they went silent at the idea, but they go silent at everything. They never are interested. I haven't talked to them about my friend much.

── Conclusion .𖥔 ݁ ˖── .✦
Is it weird or apparently romantic to want to live with a friend? And should I be more direct/honest about it to her?

[maille]

Hi, there!

Your age and birthday seem to be a little off. Here is a friendly reminder of our guidelines here at Scarleteen.
https://www.scarleteen.com/about/user-g ... acy-policy

[space alien.]

Hi, there!

Your age and birthday seem to be a little off. Here is a friendly reminder of our guidelines here at Scarleteen.
https://www.scarleteen.com/about/user-g ... acy-policy

My age and birthday in account settings should be 100% accurate with what I said they were in the post. Your end is lagging. Because it's true that originally I didn't register this account with my personal email or real age (I love my personal data ), but I had gone in and changed it all to be true before posting, because I realized the information would be public. It should've been accurate is all I'm saying.

[KierC]

Hey space alien,

We ask because the birth date you registered with would make you 17, not 18. But thank you for confirming your age for us! Responding to your post now:

I’m so glad you’ve found this friend who you enjoy spending time with! In general, it’s not weird at all to want to live with friends when the circumstances work out. It’s very common, in fact! I’ve lived with friends here and there since I turned 18, and it can be a great experience. It’s not for everyone, and some people do find that they prefer living with people who aren’t close friends, or even living alone. But, no, there’s nothing weird or inherently romantic about wanting to live with a friend. I think there’s maybe a misconception that some hold where if you live with someone you must be romantically involved, which in my opinion is a manifestation of the whole American nuclear family thing… but we do know that is it actually quite common, normal, and healthy to live with people non-romantically.

That being said, it sounds like when you’ve brought it up to her she hasn’t jumped at the idea. It also sounds like she’s told you she wants to move out-of-state to a different school. Those two things indicate to me that it living with her may not be in the cards right now. I completely understand the desire to live with someone you’re close to, but when someone expresses a different desire, we can’t really suggest otherwise or wish for their plans not to happen. Know what I mean?

With that being said, can you tell me a little more about what her response has been when you’ve brought it up? You said she didn’t exactly seem against the idea, but not excited. Can you say a little more about her response?

I also wanted to ask, would you be open to moving out with a different person, or out on your own?

[space alien.]

"Those two things indicate to me that it living with her may not be in the cards right now. I completely understand the desire to live with someone you’re close to, but when someone expresses a different desire, we can’t really suggest otherwise or wish for their plans not to happen."
I've always wished for others to pursue their dreams and find success in their lives, and the people in my life often do get what they set out for. Who's to say they know what's best for themselves? This girl who I'm friends with doesn't seem truely happy. Only on social media she's dancing and smiling. From what I know she doesn't even sleep because she's so busy. I certainely comprehend that her career would benefit from going to a good college, but there is more to life than just a socially-considered perfect career, right? It's not like living with me would amount to a bad life, because I'm probably one of the coolest people she'll ever meet.

This girl doesn't make friends with people she thinks are below herself, or people with problems. That was one of the first things I learned about her. I'm a mean person myself, so I was actually quite excited about this aspect of her personality. Though, I've definetely always been below her. I've used my impressive goals and fake extravagent personality to make up for it and this has worked out, but sometimes it becomes clear to both of us that we live very different lives and our paths weren't made to cross.

"...can you tell me a little more about what her response has been when you’ve brought it up? You said she didn’t exactly seem against the idea, but not excited. Can you say a little more about her response?"
Well, I haven't explicitly told her that I want to live with her. I've just tried to invite her onto my career plans in a way that would "coincidentially" put us together. Like in high school I tried to get her to sign up for the air force with me. That probably sounds nuts to most people but to me that sounded pretty fun, and we'd both still get to pursue the careers we want in life. To her something like that is just a delay and a risk though. Once we were both going to apply to colleges nearby each other, in the same city, and I thought maybe then we could live together. She wanted to go to Stanford, I wanted to go to UCB. However, she never applied because she was too busy, and I got rejected from UCB anyways.

"I also wanted to ask, would you be open to moving out with a different person, or out on your own?"
I was going to move out on my own at 17 (I got accepted into a college I wanted to go to, on the other side of the country). Technically I was going to have roommates but I didn't care much for them, they were nice, but they were random. Nobody on roommate finder accepted me and the one girl who did and agreed to being my roommate then purposefully chose a 2 bedroom dorm with someone else then blocked me. What happened was the financials didn't work out. I was trying to pay for school with ROTC scholarships but the national website lied to applicants about the scholarship benefits. I only found out it was a lie from a staff member at the school... so I last minute had to withdraw, only a week before I was supposed to be flying out.

So, yes, I could live on my own or with a stranger, but I don't think there's anybody who's quite like her. She's extremely unique. I knew plenty of girls in high school but she wasn't like any of them, honestly she always acted more like the guys I knew. I'm not trying to say that in a sexist way, she hardly does anything stereotypical of either gender, it's just like the core of her motives is wired differently from what's normal. I'm aware that I'm a high functioning autistic person, and I don't think she's autistic, but she must be socially abnormal in a different way. There must be a reason why we get along so well.

[char]

Hi space alien, thanks for providing more context!

I think it's wonderful that you're concerned about your friend's wellbeing, considering the sheer amount of things she's got on her plate. (I know someone who's doing their PhD as well, and it definitely isn't easy!) It also looks like she's been opening up to you in her own way, which is why you can see her more vulnerable side.

But at the same time, I wonder how you think of the... sustainability of this friendship, since to be frank, it doesn't sound like the most ideal. From what you've told us, it sounds like she's not against turning people away from her without explicitly telling them to bugger off. You're aware that she's super busy, plus you mentioned that she doesn't seem to befriend anyone she thinks is "beneath" her, and you only managed to get on her good side by practically not being yourself. Top that with what could be considered her subtle rejections to your offers, you may want to reconsider the idea of becoming roommates with her. This isn't to say that you won't be able to deal with problems that may arise if the two of you roomed together, but even if you perceive yourself as "mean," it's not unlikely that she could hurt you--intentionally or unintentionally. If you asked her directly, her answer could be a straightforward no and this question may influence the relationship between the two of you in the long run.

Since you mentioned that you tried getting her to sign up for the air force, how did that go? Did you notice anything changing in your dynamics with her afterwards? Also, have the two of you spent time together for a certain period of time--like maybe studying together, hanging out for fun, or staying at each other's place (or renting a flat) for a night or two? Perhaps those meet ups--if you've had them--can give you even more insight on whether you should ask her to be her roommate or not.