I feel like a fake girl

[aliengirl]

I feel like being gay has ruined my girlhood (I am cis). I feel incapable of being normal. I guess I have tried my hardest to be normal. I wear makeup, I enjoy it. I wear certain clothing, I enjoy it. I just feel so abnormal at times despite my efforts to be normal.

My voice cracks like a prepubescent boy. I have unusually large masseters. I guess I feel kind of… dysphoric? Which I know cis women are capable of feeling.

All my friends are straight so I kinda just shut up when they talk about boys. I would feel abnormal if I talked about girls in front of them. I’m closeted but everyone somehow knows.

I have one gay friend. Who I used to have a crush on— at least I think I did. She won’t talk to me anymore because of some family issues. Our relationship is weird because we talk so well online, but in-person it’s really hard talking to her.

I dunno what’s “wrong” with me but it makes me feel like an alien trying to be a human girl. I guess people just perceive me doing some things as rude. I don’t like making eye contact and I keep my responses short (to people in real life of course).

[Latha]

Hello Aliengirl,

I wouldn't say anything is wrong with you, but I do believe you about how hard this is and understand why you would feel out of place. The usual gendered expectations for girls and women include heterosexuality. Being gay can break that system in ways that make it hard to feel at home with girlhood in the way that other people do.

I am glad that you've explored clothing and makeup and found aspects that you enjoy, but I'm hearing that doing so has not made it easier to feel comfortable with yourself--you want to be 'normal', but that still seems unreachable to you. I'm curious, if you could have everything your way and live the way you like without anyone having problems with you, how would you change? In an ideal world, how would you dress, and how would you interact with people? If you didn't have to be normal, what would you want for yourself?

[aliengirl]

My response was blocked for some reason? But I’ll try typing this out again.

1. In an ideal world I would not be attracted to anyone in a romantic or sexual way
2. I would be socially apt and not have any trouble speaking to people— I would be interesting
3. I would be conventionally attractive (not to a crazy extent, just to the extent where it is generally agreeable that I am pretty)

Context for #1: Being attracted to people is a burden for me. There is so much to know about one person and it kinda sucks when they are secretly evil (ex: racist).

If I didn’t have to be normal, I would just be myself, as I am. I don’t think I would change anything because it wouldn’t matter. I would probably be out though lol.

[Tara]

Hi, aliengirl:

I am glad that you know what you want! Having a vision and knowing our desires is important. Unfortuately, our realities are often not our "ideal world" and it does suck sometimes when we have to adjust our expectations. I want to also debunk your idea that you are a "fake girl" and reaffirm Latha's message that there are very superficial and arbitrary gender expectations for both genders, albeit very engrained in the society we live in. Because of that, it can be very challenging to see ourselves outside of those or be something more authentic and unique. It sounds like you are doing the outer things to help you feel more connected to the stereotypical female gender, so that should help you a bit. I also think its important to align your inner feelings and sense of self with what you aspire to be too - or, if it doesn't seem to be something working out for you, to dig deeper to find out what makes you the happiest and most fulfilled - the most you.

What do you think about that? Do you think you have some work to do in accepting yourself more?

[aliengirl]

I want to be part of the stereotypical female gender because that is affirming, if it makes sense. I really like wearing makeup. I feel pretty without it too, I don’t typically do makeup before school. I like wearing the clothes I wear, last year I didn’t, but I switched up my wardrobe quite a bit and now I do.

I could work on accepting myself more. But I don’t know what I could do and through what means. I guess I should try to be more socially apt, I used to be really shy and I’ve improved quite a bit over the years. Yet people are still put off by me, I guess it’s because I am really mundane and I have a RBF. I guess I’ll try being nicer if that makes sense??

This is kind of weird but I have done the most to “socially transition” (yes I am still cis, I just use trans terms because they make sense to me which is odd, I know). Like two years ago I would’ve rather died than look at my face in the school bathroom but now I kind of look pretty?

I don’t really get insecure about myself at least how I look but I am insecure about being gay and I don’t know how to fix that. Every couple of weeks I just break down crying about the fact that I am gay. I feel socially inferior. It’s not like I can talk to it about anyone either

I don’t plan to come out until after I get my college degree, so in about five more years.

[Tara]

Well, the positive thing, I think, is that you are feeling good about the choices you are making to be and feel more feminine! No matter what your gender or sexual orientation, there are things about the "stereotypical feminine" that can be rewarding, fun, and make us feel good. Everyone deserves a chance to indulge in it if they wish.

So, what you are struggling with is your desire and attempts to be more steretypical feminine, but the fact that you are gay. I can understand why it would seem contradictory, but what if it isn't actually? Today's world is much more gender/sexuality-fluid and at Scarleteen we believe there is no black and white/right and wrong when it comes to gender and sexuality. Do you think you can adopt a more open mindset about it? Something that may help is looking at those in the media who are openly gay and observe how they express that and what "stereotypical" gender expressions and styles they have. I think you would be surprised at the variety and diversity that straight and gay people express of themselves - and it's even more encouraging to see them shine and be comfortable with who they are. I will also think of some books or movies that might help you with your perceptions. Can you think of any gay person you admire or is a good example of demonstrating acceptance of themselves?

[aliengirl]

The cheerleader from “But I’m A Cheerleader” is very stereotypically feminine.

I just am rejected from regular female social circles I guess. I don’t know if I can add on to this. It’s confusing. Thank you for your help though.

[Tara]

I'm sorry I wasn't able to help as much here. We want to support you, though. I do want to re-iterate that you are not a "fake girl". There isn't such a thing, although I understand the legitimate contradictory feelings you might be having. It's tough when our inside doesn't always match the outside. I hope you will feel encouraged by the fact that you are doing the best you can, you are changing, and growing. Happy for me or others to continue helping you with this.