Issues with my anxious attachment style (long read)

[Asking Queries]

Long read of 836 words
Content warnings: emotional distress, feeling unaccepted, mention of mental health crisis and mental health issues, very detailed discussion of anxious attachment

Hi everyone,

I have an anxious attachment style, based on what people have told me and the article I linked to below. (In one case, I was told this by my best friend in the context of a break-up, although they were and are kind about it.) I’m also very analytical and judgmental of how I think and act.
I’ve noticed that I have a very significant desire for intimacy, which I mostly experience as wanting to be closer in friendships, talk to my friends a lot, etc. I also want affirmation, usually reassurance that I haven’t made someone upset.

How much it feels like I want or “need” connection and affirmation varies based on my stress level, from “I wonder what Z thinks of this, maybe I’ll text him” to “if I don’t get to talk to my friends soon, I’m gonna have a mental health crisis”. I’ve had times where the thing I wanted most in the world was to see my friends.

I also have a very annoying bit of how my mind works: a really good interaction causes me to really want more, which makes it extra uncomfortable if more doesn’t happen.

I know that being so influenced by how much interaction happens makes me more vulnerable and might cause me to overload my friends in seeking it. Because of that, I’ve spent perhaps five or ten percent of all of my time thinking about how to not overload people; how to express my wants while also always respecting consent and spoon levels; and analyzing my thoughts and actions for potential problems. This is emotionally painful and an huge use of my time and energy.

It feels like the distress that happens when I don’t get to talk with someone or they don’t reply (among other things that upset me) is made less valid or acceptable because it’s from anxious attachment. I think I get this message from TV shows and pop psychology. There is a lot of compassion for the struggles of being in a relationship (of any kind) with someone who has a non-standard/non-normative mind. On the other hand, they often don’t show compassion for the distress that comes from having that non-standard mind or trying to carefully manage it. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen something where a certain amount of dysfunction was openly accepted.
I know that desperately wanting connection is a problem, and that putting desperation onto people who don’t want to deal with it is hurtful, but knowing that that doesn’t stop me from feeling desperate, lonely, or upset.
I deeply, deeply care about my friends and their wants and needs about friendship, and I often feel stuck between how much friendship and interaction I want and how much they want to give. It doesn’t help that I almost always underestimate how much time and energy my friends have available to give. (When I say ‘give’, I mean giving in the sense of using their time and energy on me, not that I am the only one benefiting from the friendship. I certainly hope not…)

I know that I have certain absolute duties towards people I know: to never intentionally cause harm, to always value their needs as much as I value my own. But I also feel that the world as a whole doesn’t accept me because of my anxious attachment style, even when I am meeting those absolute duties. I don’t want to hurt people because of how I experience intimacy, but what I do to avoid that hurts myself, at least in the short term. I don’t know whether I’ll always develop anxious attachment, and if I always do, I’m scared that I’ll always be less accepted than someone who develops “healthy” attachment.

I feel weird for saying all of this so explicitly, it’s hard to explain how I feel about friendship—connection for me serves a function in helping me feel less terrible about the world, but I also deeply love getting to know people and them getting to know me. My friends are helpful and I love them, but it feels weird to say the first part so plainly.

I don’t really have any questions about this, but if someone else relates, I’d really appreciate your thoughts.

Sorry for this being so very long, and I welcome any accessibility or ease-of-reading edits.
- AQ

Article: “How Anxious Attachment Manifests In Adult Relationships” https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-an ... ships.html

PS 1: I know this is a psychological problem that I should talk about in therapy, so I understand if this isn’t appropriate for the boards. I hope the content warnings make it ok.
PS 2: I feel much less entitled to connection and affirmation than this writing makes it seem—I’m caught between feeling like I don’t deserve it but also knowing that it helps me.

[Anya]

Hey Asking Queries,

There's a lot here so lets take this in some steps!

My initial thought here is that, you're on the right track at the end wen you name that this is ideally something to work with a more long-term provider on, as this stuff can be so tricky and there are unfortunately no hard and fast solutions. This being said, I'd love to help you just first figure out where to go so that if this is something you can use therapy for, it doesn't have to feel like doing everything at once.

Second, I notice you questioning the anxious attachment space, and wondering if you'll always be there. One of the best things about attachment styles, is that because they are learned, they can generally be unlearned in favor of something healthier for you. I think that if you decide you want to move into a more secure space, you would absolutely be able to do it (gradually, stepping back and forward as we all do). And though there is nothing at all wrong with being in a space of anxious attachment, if you're looking to work on the instability that anxious or advoident styles typically come with, I wanna make sure you do it on your terms. It seems like there's a pretty heavy influence that comes from your friends and spending time with them, and although I totally resonate with those feelings of wanting connection more than anything, I worry that a choice made for others, might not actually be as stable as say, if you did it for yourself. By this I mean exploring the kind of friend, or person you want to be.

The main thing i'm hearing from what you wrote is that you feel this way of relating and coping is not currently working for you all the time. That is totally reasonable, and being in that spot even if you don't know how to move or what it's like to be somewhere else is absolutely valid. You don't have to know all the steps right away. Give yorself some grace even in just writing this all out! It seems like you're deeply thinking about this, and there's a lot of good awareness skills right there.

I would first begin to think about what kind of person/friend you want to be to yourself, and what that looks like before moving outward. What skills you might be able to add, in therapy or by yourself, to practice (even when its a bit umcomfy) trusting yourself and the people around you to make decisions that work for you. Does that make sense?