Dreams leading to relapsing

[Sunbent]

Hi, Ive talked about this kind of issue here before, under a different name, but I still feel the need to talk about it. For context, I'm a survivor of sa and experience lots of sexual compulsions, though I'm going to use addiction terminology throughout this post because it makes more sense to me.

Also, trigger warning for discussion of weight issues. Apologies, this might be in the wrong section.

Today I relapsed 5 times. What a way to start the new year haha. But the thing is, usually when I relapse it's because I'm having a bad day, or I'm mentally drained, or something like that. But today it was just because of a dream.
Last night, I had a very... Fetish-y dream, involving some weight gain. Ive been having dreams like this every so often for a while now, but this one really affected me. But it wasn't exactly a wet dream, I didn't feel aroused when I woke up, just... Guilty. And gross.
What makes it even worse is that I feel like I ate more than usual today? Which obviously doesn't matter, I'm usually fine with that, I genuinely would love to gain some weight simply because I'm fairly skinny for my age (at least I think so?). But its weird. It makes me feel weird. Ive never really thought about my weight before, but all of this wants me to try and track my eating and make sure I'm healthy and whatnot
Anyway, Ive been thinking about my dream all day, watching and looking at things... In the same vein, and even imagining some of my favorite characters in situations like my dream. It's exciting, and I think I like it, but I don't WANT to like it. I hate how it makes me feel afterwards. Yet I find my body reacting to it, which I know is just how bodies work, but it makes me feel disgusting, which makes me feel horrible about myself, and then I end up turning back to watching explicit materials as a form of self harm. It's an endless cycle it feels like.
This probably makes no sense, but it's past 1 am and I just need to get my thoughts out before I can sleep. It also might be TMI I'm so sorry-- I've been thinking about posting here again for a while, I guess today was just the breaking point

[Latha]

Hello Sunbent!

I'm sorry to hear that you've found yourself in this cycle of feeling so awful. Don't worry, this isn't too much information, and I think your explanation of how you've been feeling makes sense.

Could you tell us a bit about the thoughts that come to mind when you start feeling weird and horrible? What happens between finding something exciting and perhaps enjoyable, and finding it distressing? And, just so we can understand, could you say a bit about how framing this as an addiction resonates with you?

[Sunbent]

I guess its mostly my morals getting in the way? I'm only sixteen, so in order to ACCESS this stuff I have to lie about my age which I always feel guilty about, and I also really worry about fetishizing groups of people in a way that others might see as problematic. I worry a lot about what others would think of me if they found out what I have been doing. One of my biggest fears is my friends finding out and thinking that I'm disgusting, and then telling others, and then I wouldn't be able to have ANY friends-- I'm aware that probably isn't logical but it's what I worry about every day.
I think one of the reasons I consider my uh issue an addiction rather than a compulsion is because of the nature of it all-- like how an alcoholic might turn to drinking to numb the pain, I turn to explicit materials for some reason. To quiet down the voices in my head, all the self hatred and anxiety and fear. Whenever I'm relapsing, the thoughts seem to go away for a minute. But the second I stop they come back full force, which just makes me want to relapse more, so they will stop again. And like I said, I'm 16, and I know watching these things is affecting my brain in a not-so-ideal way, just like substances might. But I can't help it. Ive only ever managed to go a few weeks without it ever since I started tracking my relapses.

[Latha]

Hi Sunbent! Thanks for answering my questions!

If you value telling the truth at all times, it might make sense hold off on accessing material that requires you to lie about your age until you are older. But I want to point out that the only person affected here is you. By one way of thinking about morality, if you are not hurt there is nothing wrong.

It sounds like your dreams and fantasies have centered around weight and weight gain, and you are worried about hurting people with these traits. Could you say a little about what specific aspects of these thoughts seem fetishistic to you? Where is the harm? Does it feel like being attracted to those things is inherently strange and wrong?

I do want to say that I am so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with worries that your friends could reject you. It is true that fears are not always logical, but I can imagine why this one might be hard to let go of. The idea that no one would want to associate with you is such a frightening narrative, so it makes sense that your mind would focus on trying to prevent that.

The thing is that these efforts seem misplaced. I can tell you for sure that no one here would see your fantasies as anything that could possibly deserve such terrible treatment, and there are a lot of people in the world who would agree with us. Have you seen people express judgement about the fantasies like these? Are you worried about rejection because you've seen it happen before?

[Sunbent]

I apologize in advance if any of my answers are vauge, this is something I have only ever discussed with one other person before and never in this much detail-- I'm figuring out how I feel as I'm answering your questions.
I agree that I should hold out on accessing this until I'm older, but at the same time I feel like I have little control over it. Often times I don't need to like verify anything, so I can look at whatever I want without repercussions. But it still feels wrong. I think one of my main fears revolving this is that some creep online would try to contact me or send messages of a sexual nature, which is one of my biggest fears in general (Ive avoided using crisis hotlines due to this fear multiple times unfortunately)
The thing with my 'fantasies' is that I'm still not sure if Im actually attracted to them or not-- I was raised on the internet, I suppose, so I was exposed to a lot of explicit things early on. I feel like as I continue to consume it, I have to keep digging deeper, to more niche topics, and to topics that outright disgust me, just to get the 'high' I'm looking for. And unfortunately I know that these fetishes I think about so often DO cause people harm, I know that there is a subset of people who enjoy this kink that want to uh. Well they want to kill the other person involved. They want this kink to drive the other to literal death. And I never, never want anyone to die, especially not anyone I care about (and I would assume if I were to ever participate in this kink with someone, Id deeply care and trust them)
I have seen many people criticize and judge people who like this sort of thing, and if I remember correctly, it's one of the reasons I searched it out in the first place. I'm a very curious person, but I was never really given proper sex ed due to being homeschooled and my parents being a bit over protective about sexual topics due to my trauma. So, I turned to other methods to learn, I suppose. I know now that the methods I was using (being explicit material) was not helpful at all and probably has altered how I view sex for the rest of my life, but what's done is done. Like I was saying, Ive seen many people call this kind of kink disgusting, make fun of it, call the people who like it immoral, etc. I know logically that not all people who like it are like that, but I really fear people having a predisposed idea of it, and worry that if I tell them that they would never see me the same.

[char]

Hey Sunbent,

Hopping in to say that I'm sorry you've been having a tough time, particularly in the last few days. Considering your circumstances, including the fantasies you mentioned, I understand why thoughts of it are troubling you. Even though you understand that having the fantasy doesn't automatically make someone a bad person, it can definitely be unpleasant to experience yourself.

To answer your question, I think it's ultimately up to you to decide whether these fantasies are something you enjoy and want to safely engage with. But one way to figure it out is to see what parts of it appeal to you. If those parts were gone/eliminated, would you still be attracted to it, regardless of how you feel about the fantasy? Also, if this question is applicable, would you be able to find these parts in other sexual fantasies that you enjoy and are personally okay with having? About looking things up online, what you mentioned can unfortunately happen, but it's avoidable if we set up security measures like adblocks, email masking, and not filling in forms on shady websites. There are also browser extensions that allow you to limit your time on certain websites in a day, if that's something you'd like to consider.

From what I gathered, you also mentioned how the dream resulted in you thinking about your physical health (particularly weight gain), but you're worried that you might hurt others with it. As Latha briefly touched upon in her earlier response, we aren't here to judge you for having these thoughts. Weight gain on its own is neutral; it's doesn't immediately mean that someone is healthy or unhealthy.

How do you feel about this?