i have a weird relationship with sex & it frustrates me

[enberries]

hi! i’m a 17yo afab genderqueer lesbian. i read through the site a few times & tried to figure something out, but i couldn’t so i thought i’d just post.

i can never be satisfied with masturbation or sex. i like how it feels, & i have the desire to engage in sexual activities, though mostly with another person, but if i’m doing anything by myself i get bored 5-10 minutes in. if i’m having sex with a partner i’ll go as long as they want to (& don’t get me wrong i want to be there), but i never really get satisfaction out of it. i’ve had multiple partners in the past, but i always end up getting a bit bored or can’t let go enough to finish. i’ve never orgasmed before, & often it feels like i need to scratch an itch but i just can’t. i enjoy being able to pleasure my partners, @ they have always tried to reciprocate, but it just never works & leaves me frustrated.

i try not to put pressure on it & just have fun, but it’s jut annoying that i can never get any relief out of it. i’ve tried mixing things up, but it’s never really helped.

i also have adhd, that might be worth mentioning.

[char]

Hey enberries, welcome to the boards! I'm sorry to hear that you haven't felt the most satisfied during sex, solo or partnered.

When reading your post, the first thing that came to my mind was your overall experience. It sounds like you've been having these issues for a while, but nothing you've done to "solve" them has been effective. Would you mind sharing what you've done so far, be it during your masturbation or partnered sex sessions, and why you think they didn't work? I also wonder which of our content (articles, advice column, posts on this very board, etc.) you've read and how you related (or not relate) to them, just so we can avoid sharing pieces that you already checked out and tips that may not necessarily work for you.

As a neurodivergent person myself, I hear you with the boredom and disconnect. I'm autistic and I've noticed that I can have a hard time concentrating on things every now and then too. Have you been able to notice what pleasure means and looks like to yourself, and to what extent do you think your ADHD plays a role in these issues?

[enberries]

hi, thanks for the reply!

by myself, i’ve tried types of different stimulation, whether it be penetration or playing with my clit or touching anywhere else on my body, & i’ve tried doing one thing for a while or switching it up often (that’s something i read here somewhere). with my partners i’ve tried different positions &, again, switching things up to keep my brain engaged.

i’ve read a bunch of different articles & posts on here over the past while, i don’t remember any specific ones though. i remember reading on something to try switching things up, & to try touching other parts of my body.

i enjoy having sex & being able to pleasure my partner, & i like how it feels myself. i think i know what pleasures me the most & what i like. this wouldn’t be as much of an issue if i could stay engaged longer than 5 minutes (sometimes less). i think i also have trouble letting go, & i don’t know how to work with that. i’m not sure if it’s my adhd that makes my attention span so short for sex or if there’s just something i’m not doing right.

[char]

I see, thanks for clarifying! Switching things up can help with making sex more interesting and pleasurable, but at the same time it can do the opposite (i.e. make it rather awkward and less pleasurable), especially if we're only trying things out for the first time.

I did a bit of digging here and found this article by Sara Traynor about ADHD and sexuality: We Need to Talk About Sex and ADHD. If you haven't given it a read, I think this piece covers the things you asked here--not only does it let you know that you're not alone in this, but it also talks about what you can do to navigate your sexuality with ADHD in mind. So, to say that it's solely your ADHD or you're "simply" doing something "wrong" would be tricky and unwise here, I think. In and outside of sex, there are a lot of things that can affect our attention span: our mood, physical condition, our external environment like the weather and temperature, the very thing or person(s) we're paying attention to, and so on. We'll have to (for a lack of better word) adjust either ourselves or the external factors to improve our attention span.

From what you've shared, I'm quite sure you've communicated with your partners about each other's needs and preferences. Are they aware of your ADHD? If they are, how have they been responding to your disclosure?

[enberries]

i just read the article, it was helpful in making me feel less weird & alone in my situation, though not so much in the what to do department. it’s kind of frustrating that i can’t just make my body cooperate, though i know that’s impossible & not a great way to think.

all of my partners, past & present, have been very understanding & have tried to help me research ways to deal. my partner actually suggested that i make an account & post. i know that sometimes she becomes a bit upset that she can’t “solve” it though, or make me orgasm. she doesn’t take it out on me & tries to reassure me but i know it upsets her a bit, which seems to be how all my past partners have felt as well.

i don’t know if it’s just the adhd or if i have an issue being able to let go, i’m sometimes in my head & can’t just let things happen. i trust my partner implicitly though, & i’m not worried that she’ll do anything bad.

i just want to be able to have sex/be pleasured for more than 5 minutes.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry this is so frustrating for you.

I have a question: can I ask if this is how this goes if you are NOT -- and your partner is not -- focused on orgasm, and perhaps even if either of you don't think about what you're doing as sex, but just as touch? Is this how this goes when you're not genitally focused, but instead focused on either your body as a whole or other parts of it?

Can we also talk a little bit about what you think might be missing for you to feel satisfied? Orgasm all by itself often won't be all a person needs to feel satisfied, and sometimes orgasm isn't needed for a person to feel sexually satisfied. I'm hearing you say that you're looking for a feeling of relief you expect to feel and are not getting, and I am hearing you say that you feel bored, so I assume not feeling bored is also something you are looking for. It also obviously sounds like both you and your partner are seeking for you to have orgasm for both your satisfaction. Is there anything I am missing there? And might you have any thoughts on what you think you might need to feel differently, whether that's about not being bored, being able to have experiences that hold your attention, or feeling unable to let go?

[enberries]

hi!

this is how it goes pretty much no matter what, whether i be doing something with my partner or just by myself. me & my partner have had times where we just focus on our whole bodies and different things that feel good, sometimes not doing anything focused genitally.

i’m not so much focused on orgasm, i just can never be “in it” long enough to get any satisfaction. my partner is a bit more focused on it than me, she sometimes gets worried that she’s not doing enough, though logically she knows that’s not true. we’ve had plenty of conversations about this (we are pretty good at communicating), but it’s just kind of annoying i can’t get any real satisfaction. i get aroused, enjoy pleasuring my partner, & can normally stay in it for a while when we’re making out, but it’s not the same pleasure as other stuff. there was one time that i was able to keep going for a while, and i felt a bunch of tension build up, but i just randomly snapped out of it which was really frustrating. i’ll usually end up zoning out after 5ish minutes, no matter how much i’m enjoying it.

i don’t really know what i’d need to do differently, i’ve tried all i can think of.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in. Two more things before I say more, if you don't mind.

i get aroused, enjoy pleasuring my partner, & can normally stay in it for a while when we’re making out, but it’s not the same pleasure as other stuff.

Can you tell me what "other stuff" is here? And are you saying that making out is something that seems to hold your attention better than, say, genital sex?

Can you also tell me a little bit more about your specific ADHD and how you manage it? It sounds like you have more of a distracted type than a hyperfocused type: is that right? And if so, is there anything you do or have done -- in general, not around sex in particular -- whether that's medications, certain practices, etc., that you have found is successful in helping you focus?