Why do people love each other

[aliengirl]

Why do people love each other? I understand loving someone from a platonic standpoint. But I fail to understand loving someone from a romantic standpoint. I know I am capable of being loved in that way, but I do not feel like I could reciprocate that, yet I want to experience love from others.

I am not aromantic, definitely not asexual. I am just confused because some experiences have messed up my perception of love. I think I only like the chase. The dopamine. I haven’t experienced that in a long time.

If I had a crush on someone and they reciprocated those feelings— I think I would be scared. I am already a nervous, awkward wreck.

I’m kind of impressed when my peers have romantic relationships, especially when they last more than six months.

I know this one girl who has girlfriends like back to back. That seems tiring. Maybe she has a girlfriend addiction? How can you love so many people?

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Aliengirl! Thanks for moving here from our text service <3

Don't be hard on yourself for feeling confused and unsure about love and relationships. I know it can seem like everyone has these things figured out, but you are far from alone and these are not settled questions. People have argued about what love is and what people in love feel and what they should do for a long, long time, and I don't believe they will stop any time soon.

A lot of the complexity here is because of the fact that concepts like 'love' and 'romance' mean different things to different people. Consider the girl you know who has had back-to-back relationships. It could be that she has loved each one of her girlfriends--people can love multiple people, and even love multiple people at once. It may be that she thinks of relationships as an opportunity to get to know someone so you can see if you love them. Or, maybe she isn't doesn't feel romantic love herself, now or in general, but likes being in romantic relationships. So long as we do our best to be honest with our partners and treat them with respect and consideration, any of these approaches are fine.

If I may ask, what is it about having your feelings returned that would be scary to you? To be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you feel--it is okay to want to be loved even when you can't reciprocate. I'm just looking to understand.

[aliengirl]

You’re welcome

I feel scared because… I’ve never experienced that before? At least I don’t think I have. But in the case that I have— I probably did mess it up. I feel like I’m the “avoidant attachment” style. I guess in general I have trouble regulating some of my emotions. But I have techniques for most of them like sadness and whatever. But for this one, what would I even do?

I have stumbled upon this term quite a few years ago, “lithromantic” which I think would describe me. I don’t mind reciprocating sexual “emotions” if that makes sense. I feel like a scumbag for that but I do not actively seek relationships like that anymore.

I guess part of it is because I am closeted. I would not be able to reciprocate their love as much as they would.

[Latha]

When to comes our attachment style or the way we relate to people in relationships, our tendencies and patterns are not set in stone. If you've noticed that you've been avoidant before, that isn't a permanent sentence for how you'll always be, it is just a description of a common way many people struggle with close connections. It is okay to feel anxious or avoidant-- just give yourself space and time to learn to manage those emotions. And that isn't something you should do alone. Having more positive experiences in relationships of any kind can go a long way to making it easier to feel secure with another person.

If you would like, we can chat about what you might do to regulate your emotions when you feel avoidant in relationships, And we can also consider whether/when you should be focused on regulation in the first place--avoidance can be a reasonable response to your environment and needs at times.

I feel like a scumbag for that but I do not actively seek relationships like that anymore.

What a harsh view of yourself! Being comfortable reciprocating sexual interest but not romantic interest does not make you a bad person. If a romantic relationship doesn't seem practical/possible right now, or if you don't think you are in a space to feel romantic love, it is still okay to pursue sex with other people. Sexual relationships should not be devoid of care or respect, so you would not be harming a partner just because you don't love them romantically--they might not want a romantic relationship either.

All that said, I can see how being closeted would make exploring romance and romantic relationships so much more complicated and scary. You've mentioned in your other thread that you are closeted, but that everyone knows. Can I ask what gives you that sense? Do you feel safe around these people?

[aliengirl]

1. LMAO okay this is funny but I used to be very very gay. Like circaaaaaa 3 years ago, I used to dress very alternatively— people just assume you’re weird (gay is synonymous for weird here). I also told a lot of people about my crush on that one girl I told you about. So obviously word has spread. I just wanna live normally but I backstabbed myself. Shit even my mom knows I’m gay because I stupidly told her. Luckily I haven’t been disowned— she told me she would love me no matter what— but she still talks about my future with some damn “husband” which is laughable.
2. When I started high school I started to try assimilating back into the general population. Which only half worked. I don’t really have a stable friend group or anything. A couple months ago I had this super weird experience, this one straight?? guy was like, “Are you gay because you have a nose ring?” Or something along those lines and that was just so off-putting but luckily one of my guy friends switched the topic. That made me feel vulnerable. I don’t want you come out now because I don’t want to face prejudice and also my dad would crash out. Plus I need to get college paid for. And don’t want to risk being homeless. And I read this article that was along the lines of “when you come out people will only know you by the fact that you’re gay and none other characteristics/achievements”

[maille]

Hi, there!

I know you initially created this thread to explore the topic of reciprocal love, and I hope that got answered for you, but I am really curious about your coming out. I hear you saying there is too much on the line to fully come out right now, your dad crashing out, prejudice and college financing. Those, among really any other reason, are quite respectable and if it seems safest to you to not label yourself in front of certain crowds, then I think you should do what feels safest.

I do not want you to see being queer as limiting though, especially because of the article you mentioned. Some narrow-minded people may see queer folks and may not get to know people past that. The truth is you can be queer and also so many other things! And the right people will want to get to know all parts of you, sexuality and that you like orangutans (i see that in your awesomeness quotient).

How do you feel after reading this?

[aliengirl]

It makes me excited for the future because I want to meet people that appreciate me for me!! And it also made me smile because I love orangutans :p

I also wish there were more queer people to look up to.

[Latha]

Hello Aliengirl,

I'm glad you feel excited! It is certain that you'll have many opportunities in the future to meet people who share your interests, appreciate you for who you are, and find happiness in seeing your happiness. If you would like, we can talk about what you could do to make it easier to find these people, or what you could do to manage conversations with people who make rude or strange comments about being gay.

I also wish there were more queer people to look up to.

I think this is something a lot of us struggle with... We are everywhere, but even now so many of us grow up without really knowing other queer people that we can look up to. If I may ask, what do you want in a role model? Is it someone from your background? Someone who shares your struggles, or who once shared them?

[aliengirl]

Well someone who I can relate to, so I guess that would include someone from a similar background. There’s this one girl whose older sister is a lesbian, were from a pretty similar background, but I just adore her sister and sister’s gf… They’re so freaking cute together. I wish I could be gay like that UGHHHH. And they’re both so smart and pretty.

[Becky]

Hey aliengirl!

Aw, this sounds so sweet! What about this person and her girlfriend is exciting to you? What would it mean to "be gay like that"?

[aliengirl]

Well I guess it’s exciting to me because I wish I could have that and I kind of see my future when I see them. I wish I could have a relationship like that and not some ldr bs. “Gay like that” means openly homosexual, which I cannot be and will not be for a very long time. But it is okay :)

[maille]

aliengirl,

I love hearing that you are excited for your future. I hope that you get to a place (physical location and mentally) that feels safe to come out publicly. When it is time, I wish you a very safe, happy and out future. Is there anything else we can do to help you here at Scarleteen?

[aliengirl]

Nope and I appreciate your guy’s help