Scarleteen

I seem to have a very sensitive clitoris. I find non-direct stimulation to be very pleasurable when I'm masturbating, and rubbing around the area in circular motions is all I really do. I find fingering/insertion into my vagina to be really uncomfortable, and my clit is too sensitive for direct stimulation. Direct contact with my clit is very unpleasant, and if it is stimulated too much, it is impossible for me to even finish. This can be very frustrating. I can't always bring myself to orgasm when I'm masturbating even if I'm really horny. My boyfriend isn't all that great at the rubbing technique, and that bothers him even more than it bothers me because he wants to be able to pleasure me. Cunnilingus doesn't work either. The thought of it is really appealing, and I want to enjoy it, but I don't. It gives my clit too much direct stimulation, and when that happens, nothing feels pleasurable anymore. What could cause my clitoris to be this sensitive? Is it just the way my body is and I'll have to deal with it? Will I never be able to fully experience that type of sexual pleasure, or is there something that can be done to overcome this problem? I'm not stressed out or anything, so that's not the problem. I really hope that there's a solution, because I find this to be very disheartening and I want to enjoy sex but am worried I'll never be capable of it.

Before we go anywhere else with this, is this something you have discussed with the healthcare provider(s) you have seen about your suspected vaginismus you posted about last year?

I ask because some of my answers here would vary depending on if this is something your healthcare providers think or suspect is related to that condition, or the childhood genital injury you mentioned. If it is something they feel is related, it would be helpful if you could fill me in on what they, thus far, suspect the cause of the vaginismus is (if they have since diagnosed you with that condition).

My doctor's appointment isn't until mid-March, so I haven't seen my doctor about that yet. Should I wait and just ask them about this as well? I didn't know if this would be related or if it would be something else, so I just decided I'd try to find out anything I could in the meantime. I wouldn't mind waiting until my doctor's appointment and then getting back to you about what they say if that would be best, though.

Good gravy, you've had to wait from November until the middle of March for a basic OB/GYN appointment?!? That is an awfully long wait. Argh. If you'd like help finding a provider who can see you sooner, I'd be glad to help with that if you'd like.

Since you haven't yet seen anyone, we obviously can't know if you do have vaginismus, and if so, if this is related. We'll obviously need to wait on some of this until we do know more.

But in the meantime, I think we can clearly know that hypersensitivity with your genitals, in general, is an issue for you, even if we can't know why. And by all means, this can just be a variation, rather than something that must be linked to a health condition. It also can be a variation that's totally manageable.

It sounds to me like you have the idea that there is one level of sensitivity for genitals to have: there's not. same goes for what people do and do not enjoy and find comfortable. Some people love very direct external clitoris stimulation, others don't like it at all. There's no "normal" with either of these, or everything in between, just variation.

The deal with any kind of sex is that what works for us and feels good needs to be based on our own bodies, very uniquely. So, if for you, direct stimulus doesn't feel good, then that's not something you or partners will be doing. And it sounds like for you and your partner, some of the deal here is just about a learning curve: about it taking time -- as it always does, however a body is -- to learn together what DOES feel good to you, and to each make whatever adjustments you need so that whatever kind of sex you're exploring is about you and feels good for you, rather than anyone doing what someone else may have liked, or what either of you think you "should" be doing.

Can you fill me in on how that learning process is going? How long have you and your partner been together exploring sexual activities? How is communication with you two? When you talk about what does and doesn't feel good, is your partner responsive to that, and good about making adjustments and trying things differently? Do you feel able to experiment together and have it be joyful, rather than coming to it with the idea that finding out what works for you is a drag for some reason?

Btw, I don't know what you mean when you express concern about "that type of sexual pleasure." What type do you mean? I'm in a similar boat with you saying you worry you'll never be capable of sex. Sex is so diverse, and it sounds like you already have been/are engaging in and enjoying some sexual activities, like masturbation and manual sex with indirect clitoral stimulation, so we know that, clearly, you and your body are capable of participating in at least some kinds of sex already.

I haven't had to wait since November. I just made the post about worrying I might have vaginismus about a week ago. I actually went to the doctor last month, but I didn't really feel the need to bring this issue up. I thought the clitoral sensitivity might just be something I'd always have to deal with, and I'm kind of shy and uncomfortable talking about that sort of thing, so I didn't think it was important enough to bring up. I didn't really start trying to explore the inside of my vagina more until after that appointment, so I wasn't super worried about that until recently. My last doctor's appointment was just a check up to see how I was doing on some medication, and I also brought up that I thought I might have social anxiety. I started crying almost as soon as I started talking about that (which I didn't expect to happen), and she put me on some anxiety medication. My next appointment was supposed to be just a check up to see how I was doing on the anxiety medication, but when I built up the courage to bring up my vaginal worries to my mom, she said we should call and say I want to have a vaginal examination, too. I haven't had one yet, and my doctor was going to wait until I had penis-in-vagina sex to give me my first pap smear or anything because she said that would make it more comfortable. But now since I'm worried I won't be able to do that, I decided I want to go ahead and get looked at. I'm really nervous about the appointment. I'm worried that when I try to bring up my concerns I'll start to cry again and won't be able to continue describing my concerns. I'm also worried that the examination will be uncomfortable and that I'll tense up and won't even be able to get examined.

I feel like the learning process has been going just alright. We've been exploring sexual activities for a little over a year, but we don't do it super often, and when we do it's really rare that that we have complete privacy because we both still live with our parents, so we're usually pretty cautious and stay covered up with blankets and stuff which makes it more difficult to really try to direct him with what to do. We've been together for a while, our relationship is very serious and committed, and we're really close (our families already consider us to be family), so our parents probably know that we do stuff, but we still don't want to get walked in on or anything. I'm more worried about it than he is, and sometimes I get really nervous, so I'm sure that contributes to my problems, but even when we're alone and I'm completely into it and relaxed I still have trouble. We aren't uncomfortable with communication, the problem is that I don't really know how to describe to him what to do and how to adjust what he's doing. He tries his best to follow my direction, and he has been able to bring me to orgasm a couple of times by rubbing around my clitoral area without coming into direct contact with my clit, but so far he hasn't really gotten it down to where he can do the same thing consistently well every time. I don't blame him, though. I still can't get it down for myself either and am not successful every time, so I'm not that great at giving directions. I'm doing pretty well with learning how to pleasure him, and he feels bad that he can't return that to me. We can experiment together and have it be joyful. We always go into it with happiness and excitement. Although I wish I could experience as much pleasure as he does, it doesn't bother me as much as it bothers him that I am able to finish significantly less often. Closer to when we first started experimenting, he would feel really upset that he wasn't able to make me come and felt like he wasn't good enough. He has gotten better about not blaming himself, though. We're both really supportive of each other and give each other a lot of reassurance, so even though we are both disappointed when it doesn't work out for me, it's never a negative experience. We just accept it and cuddle for a while.

When I say "that type of sexual pleasure", I mostly mean the clitoral stimulation. So far it's like we have to go about it so carefully so we don't make a wrong movement that would turn off my physical pleasure even if I'm still aroused mentally and then can't get that release. It's like it has to be gone about a certain way, like there's one specific formula, so to say, and that's the only way I can successfully get off. I don't want it to have to be that difficult. I don't want to have to constantly be thinking about every movement I'm making and make sure I'm doing it "right". I just want to be able to let go and move in any way my body wants without the pleasurable stimulation disappearing. I'm also worried that my pleasure from penis-in-vagina sex will be directly tied to clitoral stimulation, so if that goes wrong I won't get any physical pleasure. I am glad that we can get it right at least occasionally, though. I hope we do get better with more practice.

I'm sorry I misread the timing of your previous posts! You'd think my giant glasses were enough to keep my eyes working, and yet.

Per the upcoming appointment, I'm happy to help you make a plan so you feel better walking into it. For instance, it might work best for you to make a list of your concerns you can give to the doctor first, so that you feel less pressure about having to say it all right from the start. Too, if the anxiety medication you are using is one meant for use to limit or prevent anxiety, you may find taking that medication before your appointment helps you out. Too, you also can let the doctor know some of what you're letting me know here: that you struggle with talking about all of this, that you feel nervous and worried. That way, they can approach you as a patient with that in mind.

In terms of how it's been with your partner, I think one thing to know is that sex with partners is always some degree of hit or miss, and by all means, sometimes we're not going to be able to get it right, or have super-amazing experiences together. It's a lot like conversations: sometimes we may have amazing conversations with someone, and really connect, but even with the same person around the same time, may have times where not only are the conversations kind of whatever, but we may struggle with connecting.

I'd also strongly suggest you separate pleasure from orgasm. In other words, people can and do experience pleasure sexually with or without orgasm. If and when someone doesn't get off, that doesn't mean they have not experienced pleasure. Do you know what I mean?

Too, I wonder -- setting aside the real issue of not really having real time or privacy, which is obviously a pretty big barrier to a lot of this -- if you have been taking a lot of time to explore sex and pleasure together that is not about genitals? Our genitals are only one body part, after all, and they are sensitive parts, but we also have other equally sensitive, receptive parts (like our mouths and hands). A lot of people make sex solely or mostly about genitals, but that's a choice, not a requirement, and a choice that also tends to be really limiting for most people. People who feel very sexually satisfied most often have sexual lives that involve their whole bodies, hearts and minds, rather than only or mostly their genitals. If you haven't really explored a lot of that, not only do I think it would help you, I also think it would take some pressure off it sounds like you're feeling around your genitals.

So, I hear you saying you HAVE experienced sexual pleasure with your clitoris, just in the ways that you like. And that's not just you: that's everybody. By all means, some people are more specific than others -- or are sometimes -- with what does and doesn't feel good, or what does and does not result in orgasm, but I assure you, you aren't alone here. Truly.

I just want to be able to let go and move in any way my body wants without the pleasurable stimulation disappearing.

On this, know that to some degree, that expectation just isn't realistic for anyone. Pleasure being an utter constant with sex, for anyone, with any kind of sex, rather than having peaks and valleys like any other kind of experience, just isn't how it tends to go most of the time. That's not about anyone's body not working right or being broken, it's just about being human, and not a machine where the way we feel is perfectly static.

So, what do you think we can do to help you start thinking about this differently, where you don't think of needing specific things as a negative, or as it being "difficult?" What do you think needs to happen for you to stop worrying about doing it "right" or having a parter do it 'right," and to just be able to enjoy whatever you two are doing at the time, because it feels good -- making adjustments as people do when something isn't so awesome or hurts -- regardless of whether or not orgasm occurs?

Too, what do you think might help you have a little more patience with your learning curves here? Like you said, while you have been sexual together for a while, you rarely have had the chance to have real time and privacy, so by all means, it's going to take longer to figure each other out in this regard. (Or, for that matter, what about considering a move out in the near future?)

One last thing: people experiencing sexual pleasure is primarily about our brains and central nervous systems, not our genitals. Even people without genital sensation can experience sexual pleasure, after all, as can people engaging in kinds of sex that doesn't involve their genitals. Worrying about all of this is a HUGE barrier to pleasure, and the pressures we can put on ourselves are nearly always going to get much more in the way of our sexual satisfaction and enjoyment than anything else. So, whatever you can start doing to try and dial some of this down, take the pressure off, and figure it's all going to be a good thing in time is likely to make a really big difference.

So you think handing the doctor a list to read would be alright? I wanted to do that before, but my mom said, "She's not going to want to sit there and read a list; she'll want to hear it from you." So, when I brought up the anxiety I had written a long list to read off of, but could only get through a couple of bullet points. I would feel a lot more comfortable just handing her the list to read on her own, though, so I don't see why it would bother her.

I guess I do need to try to stop connecting sexual pleasure with orgasms and genital pleasure. I guess I already don't completely feel that way; I do already experience significant pleasure almost everywhere else on my body when he touches me. I'm really ticklish, so practically any place he caresses (or licks) my skin feels sensitive and ticklish and I absolutely LOVE how it feels and it's very arousing. That's part of the reason why I don't want him to feel so bad, because he definitely gives me immense pleasure in other ways. I'm perfectly content simply being in his presence. So, we do already give a lot of attention to other parts of our bodies, and we're definitely connected in our hearts and minds. I suppose I could just be putting too much pressure on myself to experience the same degree of pleasure in my genitals as well. Maybe I set my expectations on that specific area too high.

We probably do need to be more patient with the learning curve, as well. I wish we did have more privacy, and we would like to move out, but that wouldn't be a smart financial move at this time.

Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

Handing a doctor a list -- make it less than a page, and not in a tiny font -- is absolutely all right. Many providers actually appreciate that, because it's clear. And if you give it to reception when you go in, then they can review it the same way they'd review your chart if you were a returning patient.

Mind, it's not a substitute for a conversation, it's a conversation starter. So, they'll still want to talk with you, but if you think it'll work better for you to lead with that, and then let them ask the questions, by all means, do that. Ultimately, to work well together, you just want to figure out how you can best communicate with a provider, and they will generally be on board with whatever way that is, especially if the alternative is that you aren't able to communicate well at all. Trying to pull information out of people when you work in care is much more trying than reading a list. Again, if you had a chart, they'd be reading that, so it's not like reading about a patient before seeing them is unusual.

So, it sounds like another piece here is that your partner appears to feel bad about your sexual response and experience. Have you two talked about that? have you told him some of what you're saying here about all of what you enjoy with him and the pleasure it brings you?

Sometimes sexual partners have the (not-at-all-sound) idea that they are responsible for a partner's pleasure or orgasms, rather than getting that they are part of a shared experience where what you experience is mostly about you and your body, not about what they're doing. If and when people feel that way, it can be easy for that partner to feel like they have to deliver, and for their partner to feel under a lot of pressure to respond in the ways that partner wants or needs to feel okay about themselves. Since much of sexual response is involuntary for the person in the body it's happening for -- so we can't control much of our own response -- it's particularly bonkers for anyone to have the idea that somehow they can have control over what happens, or direct what happens, response-wise with someone else's body, you know?

In terms of the privacy piece, is this something where, if moving to independent living isn't an option either of you want, one or both of you could talk to your families and see about negotiating some privacy?

Mind, there are always some other affordable options too, be that something like booking a room at a youth hostel now and then (not the kind with the big shared room of bunks, obviously) or going camping. Heck, I was living on my own before some my peers, and more than once had a friend ask if I'd mind lending them my room or place for a little bit so they and a lover could have some privacy, which I was generally happy to do.

I do think he felt a lot like how you described some partners feel- that he was responsible for how I was (or wasn't, rather) feeling. We have talked about it, and it took quite a few talks about it and a lot of reassurance for him to stop feeling bad. I have made it clear to him how happy he makes me and what I enjoy for him to do, so he rarely gets frustrated at himself anymore.

We have more privacy at my house; my room is down a hallway and most of the time nobody comes to my room, and when they do it's usually my mom and she knocks first. My dad practically never comes to my room, and my little brother is one of those people who knocks as they are in the process of opening the door anyway. I would feel fine asking my mom if it's okay for me to lock my door. I don't think she'd mind at all. She has made it clear that she is fine with me doing what I want and making my own choices when it comes to sexual activities, as long as I'm comfortable. She would even be fine with us spending the night together- in the same bed even. His parents are not okay with that, though. I have spent the night over there twice (just for special occasions), and I had to sleep upstairs in a separate room, and they said not to even make that a regular thing. His room isn't as private because it's right by the living room and main bathroom. I wouldn't be comfortable asking them about privacy, but my boyfriend can ask them about it if he wants.

I don't know what a youth hostel is, but I love camping. I'd totally be up for camping if he wanted to (it's just too cold right now).

The way you spoke, it sounded like you were saying he DOES still get frustrated. Since you're saying it's rare now, is what you were saying that YOU are the one still worried about him feeling bad, then, even though he doesn't seem to express anymore that's happening for him?

If so, what do you think might help you let go of those concerns?

A youth hostel is effectively a hotel of sorts made to be affordable for young people traveling. Not sure where you are, exactly, but most larger or major cities have them.

But it sounds like you certainly can negotiate for some more privacy at home, and like you can expect your family to be supportive of that. That's awesome! And for sure, this isn't the best time of year for camping. But it's a fine time to start making plans for summer trips!

He still does get frustrated to a degree, but compared to how frustrated he used to get he's doing A LOT better. I'm confident that in time it won't bother him at all, and I'm also not worrying about him feeling bad as much as I used to since he's made so much progress, but I do still make sure that he knows it's alright. I will certainly look into the youth hostel thing. I live in Georgia, about 45 minutes south of Atlanta.

Voila! http://www.hostels.com/atlanta/usa Hostels are also great if you're a fan of, and have the ability to do, road trips. They're safe places to stay that tend to cost about the same as a campsite.

It sounds like it might be helpful to go ahead and talk a little more about this together. You can even make agreements around your expectations of each other in this regard, which can take some pressure off of both of you. For example, you can agree to both work not to have expectations of the other doing-for-you when it comes to sex, but instead both agree to just focus on the experience and accepting your bodies responses, whatever they are.

You might also find doing a yes-no-maybe list helpful when it comes to identifying many ways of being sexual you may both enjoy that you either haven't explored, or haven't really thought of as a way to be sexual. We have one of our own on the site right here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _stocklist

Is there anything else I can do for you around this for now, raynsworld?

Nah, I can't think of anything else. I'll just work on your suggestions and wait for my doctor's appointment. Thank you!

Sure thing! And if you've questions or additional stuff after you see that doctor, feel free to come back round! Hope you can start to feel better about all of this.