Do I have a porn addiction?? + what in the world is wrong with me

[aliengirl]

TW: SA, COCSA

I can survive like a week or two without jerkin my gherkin, but I can’t seem to be able to fully quit?

I just don’t want to partake in the consumption of [porn] since there really is no way of me getting it ethically.

I mean it all really started with wanking to written smut. And then I found out about a certain genre of ASMR (the cortisol lowering one). And shortly after that, like audio porn that is guided. And then full blow porn. But at first I didn’t really like porn cuz it used to make me laugh cuz the acting is so bad. So I strayed away from porn sites and instead got it from the horrible app of Twitter. I was on there with the intention of watching lesbian porn and it was a lot less… fake?? than on actual porn sites. I don’t know you can just tell when it’s two straight girls forced to have coitus with obnoxious porn moans.

And then I found the genre of CNC (consenting non-consent). Which got me off faster than “regular” porn? I don’t know why. I found out that it was not socially acceptable to be watching that specific genre (through social media) and I definitely understand why.

Like one or two months after that I just deleted Twitter. And I started watching porn on porn sites again. And then a particular site got struck down because of my state’s laws. But another site is still up so I use that one. But I still felt weird about watching porn so I tried to find ethical lesbian porn. And I ended up here because the site had a link to here and was a good porn site that actually was restricted to adults.

I think I have a moral conscience, at least I’m pretty sure that I do. I just can’t seem to quit this habit. Like I would be okay with just masturbating but it is kind of hard without the visual aid that I am now used to. I still kind of bounce between video porn and just audio porn, but the latter only works when I’m really turned on.

Sometimes I just jerk off when I have time to kill, but I do this less often now and I don’t have a girlfriend now either so I don’t really spontaneously do that stuff. But when I had a girlfriend I did not watch porn because well yk

And to add on to the CNC bit. I was assaulted at a young age, but the memory is quite faint. And I really have never thought about it that much? Like it just was a thing that happened. But I know it was wrong, so I’m confused as to why I get aroused while watching CNC in general? No I do not get aroused thinking of that memory.

I don’t even know anymore I’m just confused. I think I’ll try blocking out video porn entirely, because at least with audio porn I know that it is ethically made. This is going to be super hard idkkkkkkk

[Latha]

Hello Aliengirl!

I see you're concerned and confused about whether your interest in sexual media is healthy and ethical. These are good questions to be asking, so we can definitely have a conversation about what you should expect from yourself here, and how you can explore your sexuality in a way that is in line with your moral principles.

There are a couple things we can talk about in your post, but I will start with one: the fact that it is easier to be turned on when you have a visual aid does not mean you are addicted to pornography. That is just how arousal works sometimes--plainly, sex is a sensory activity, so having more sensory input can be helpful. Especially when you don't have much experience with sex, it is a lot to expect your imagination to come up with everything on its own, and it is not wrong to rely on sexual media to get inspiration.

We have to remember that sex is common and healthy activity, so it is normal for people to represent it and engage with it in media and art. When people do have problems with porn, they often have more to do with its context--the way in which it is made and seen rather than the nature of the media itself. (For that reason, we don't tend to use the framework of addiction to talk about these issues.)

For example, you might know that one concern with pornography is whether the actors involved are being treated and compensated well. For that reason, on an individual level is good to prioritize finding porn in a place where you know it is being shared with the consent of the people who made it, and that commits itself to treating them fairly.

If you don't feel like you can access video pornography ethically, would you feel better about exploring written and drawn porn that is shared for free online?

Reading your post, I'm hearing that another concern you have is that you masturbate and watch pornography too much. Here, we usually believe that if you are safe, happy, and able to do the other things you want to do, there isn't any amount of sex that it is too much. Certainly, I wouldn't say you should make yourself go weeks without masturbating, and I wouldn't even think there was anything wrong with you if you did it multiple times a day. Does hearing that help you feel better about how often you masturbate?

Could you tell us a little about why you feel it isn't social acceptable to explore consensual non-consent fantasies? One thing I can tell you for sure is that these fantasies are very common, and having them doesn't tell us much at all about a person's respect for their partners or their history with sexual trauma. They definitely do not mean that someone wants to be abused or assaulted. Rather, for people who are interested in consensual non-consent, the key is that anything they do is a consensual and wanted fantasy, and no one is actually hurt.

[aliengirl]

Hiya,

I’ve been thinking about this for a bit:
- I think I wank a healthy amount (yes this is entirely subjective but it does make me feel better)
- I’m going to sound absolutely sophomoric right now but I watched this one Youtube video and a majority of the viewers agreed that CNC was a bad thing to enjoy. But I more so agree that it would be fine if two consenting people were to do that. However, I am a little unsure of media depicting CNC. My concern is that I an watching someone go through something really bad in their life, and I’m wanking to that thinking that they consented to that I can’t prove it but I sometimes just intrinsically know what I am watching is wrong. So I just stop watching it. I know that not all pornography is unethical but I’m trying to refrain watching it so I don’t consume something that I would hate to watch if I knew the origins of it. I know that other kinds of smut would work (+ would have like a 99.99% chance of being ethically made) and I’ll try to use that instead.

[char]

Hi aliengirl! This part of your post piqued my curiosity:

I’m going to sound absolutely sophomoric right now but I watched this one Youtube video and a majority of the viewers agreed that CNC was a bad thing to enjoy. But I more so agree that it would be fine if two consenting people were to do that. However, I am a little unsure of media depicting CNC. My concern is that I an watching someone go through something really bad in their life, and I’m wanking to that thinking that they consented to that

I hear you that watching media depicting consensual non-consent can be uncomfortable, even if you know it's fictional and no one was actually harmed. Which brings me to my question: was this video conflating a portrayal of consensual non-consent with that of rape? Because as far as I'm concerned, "consensual non-consent" or CNC refers to a kind of sexual roleplay where two or more people agree on enacting sex that is non-consensual (including rape), complete with a script and things to do if someone wants to tap out of the roleplay. In other words, the consent is formed between the parties involved in the sex, not with us as the viewers.

This isn't to say that one sexual fantasy is inherently better than the other, or that you have to be okay with both kinds of fantasies. But I wanted to make sure if we're on the same page here. ;;

[aliengirl]

Idk man I have a heavy suspicion that like 90% of the “CNC” content posted on Twitter is someone actually getting raped. Which was originally why I left Twitter (also Elon Musk booo). Seriously some of those girls looked like date rape victims and I would never want to watch that dude.

And the YT video was women sharing their favorite porn category or something and I opened the comment section. And people did not like that very much.

I kinda don’t want to talk about this anymore this is upsetting, sorry.

[maille]

aliengirl,

We only have to talk about things you want to talk about here. No apologies needed.

Go easy on yourself and practice some self-care <3