Scarleteen

Hello

Up until age 16, my bed was next to my parents' and I slept next to them because we simply could not afford a space where I could have my own room. When I was a child, probably around 7-9, I would hear them having sex next to me while they thought I was asleep. This happened multiple times and I would know exactly when it was about to happen and dread it extremely. It was very traumatizing to listen to and I would cry under the blanket. I just can't get that feeling out of my head, that feeling of being trapped there and forced to listen to all the sounds for what literally felt like an eternity. I feel so sorry for myself and I'm really sad about it. What I'm most ashamed of and tried to forget is how I once masturbated secretly while they were having sex. I know I was very young and it was a result of not knowing what to do with everything I was feeling. But it's hard to not feel disgusted and weird about it. When I first remembered these events I felt so resentful and angry towards my parents but now I just find myself feeling shameful and angry at myself. I feel like this has deeply impacted my relationship with sex and it has led to somewhat compulsive masturbating habits growing up. Somehow I feel like it's connected to the fact masturbation is my primary coping mechanism. It's like, whenever I feel sad or angry or anxious, I just want to do it and sometimes I really enjoy it but other times I just cry and feel disgusting. I feel frustrated noticing all the ways these events impacted and continues to impact me.

I just wanted to tell someone about this because every now and then I think about it again and it's just so distressing. I also don't know what to call this

Hey there, coconut02. I'm so sorry that this has felt so rough for you, but I'm glad you felt able to post about it here.

Please understand that what I am about to say is not intended to diminish your feelings and what, yes, sounds like trauma: I trust you to know when you have been traumatized, and you're the only expert on that I need to know that. I just want to give some context I hope is helpful.

There are lots of cultures in which it is absolutely normal for family members to have sex within earshot of each other, and in which that's very normalized and no one thinks anything of it. But in those cultures, kids are also usually better educated about what's happening so that they know it isn't something scary. Those two things sound like they were totally missing from this equation, and yeah, without them, it makes sense for you to have felt scared as a child and also to have felt like it was bad for you to have masturbated in conjunction with those sounds.

It also sounds like there was a dynamic in your family where you didn't feel able to voice feelings scared, which would have hopefully let your parents know they needed to do something to change things for you, whether that was explaining what was happening in an age-appropriate way, creating more space so you were not within earshot, or both. I'm really sorry about whatever the conditions were that made little-you feel like they could only suffer alone in silence. That is an awful emotional space to be in, especially as a child. I sincerely hope the dynamics in your home have improved since or are better than that in general. I'm sorry if they aren't better and you still feel like you have to hide out in your hard feelings.

Here's what we can't know: we can't know if you comforting with masturbation, something very common for all people, had anything to do with this or not. It may not have, but it also may have. Ultimately, that's something value-neutral, but it obviously doesn't feel that way to you. I also hear you saying that you feel like masturbation is a compulsion for you, rather than something you freely and gladly choose to do.

That, and the trauma you have been carrying around with all of this, are both things where the best help you could likely get is help from a therapist. Someone qualified to take in all this history, give you a safe and private space to talk about it, who could also help you evaluate if your behaviour is compulsive and, if so, could help you with that, is potentially someone who could do a lot for you. Might that be something you'd be open to looking into?