My boyfriend has anxiety around sex/coming

[flatfootteal]

So me and my boyfriend have been moving forward in our relationship, but I think he might have like anxiety about sex because right before we do anything he goes soft. And I’m not sure what to really do, we are medium distance so we only seen each other every 2 months really. Overtime it’s somewhat gotten better, but we’ve realized that we’ve also needed to try different condoms because he either says he can’t feel anything or he goes soft when wearing them. It’s difficult for the both of us, is there any advice to help his nerves?

[Heather]

Hey there, welcome to the boards.

I have some ideas to share with you, and for you to pass on.

The very first, and most important, thing with a situation like this is to be sure both of you know -- and like, really feel -- that he doesn't need an erection for you two to be sexual and to have a wide range of kinds of sex. Pressure to be erect, which is easily felt if we have the idea that no erection = no sex, is usually a big player in a lack of erection, or quickly going soft, for someone who otherwise is turned on and wanting to be sexual. Really, the only things where a hard erection (or a toy that can be a stand-in) is required when it comes to sex are anal or vaginal intercourse. Besides those two activities, it honestly doesn't matter if he's soft or goes soft or not. Even with vaginal intercourse, while going deep inside the vaginal canal isn't going to work without something stiff, you two could still rub your genitals together if you wanted and have part of that experience. So, if and when an erection isn't present or isn't sticking around, I'd suggest you both just learn to pivot and do other things sexually, things where it doesn't matter if he's hard or not. Maybe when you are doing those things nothing will change, and you'll stick to those things to explore sex at a given time. Or maybe while doing those things, he'll become erect and you two will want to try intercourse. Either way, it's good, and he can know that it's no big deal if he doesn't get hard, just like it's no big deal if your clitoris doesn't become erect or you don't self-lubricate. Get what I'm saying?

In terms of condoms, what I always suggest when folks are having a hard time with condoms and erections is switching to inside condoms (sometimes called "female" condoms) instead. Those don't require an erection, they are made of nitrile instead of latex -- which conducts heat better and feels softer -- and they don't squeeze the penis tightly at the base. Being sure to use plenty of lube with any condom also makes a difference in how things feel. With an inside condom, you'll put some around your vaginal opening before inserting it, then after it's in, put some inside the condom for him. If and when you're using outside condoms, some lube on the inside of those usually makes a big difference with sensitivity.

Lastly, you say you think he may have anxiety about sex. So, it sounds like, since you're not sure, you two may need to do some more talking with each other about sex to find out how you both feel, what you both need, and if there's anything making him feel anxious or pressured you two might be able to address and solve for. One of the nice things about long-distance is that we often can still have plenty of conversation, and sometimes if someone does feel nervous about sharing intimate things, or awkward talking about sex, that distance can actually help.

How does all of that sound to you? Is there anything in this you want to talk more about or dig deeper into?

[flatfootteal]

Thank you so much! I did not know about female condoms and will definitely look into them! I did not know how to put into words about his anxiety, I know there is a certain word for it but I couldn’t remember. We’ve both agreed to have sex on our own terms and have explored each other in different ways and communication is definitely your biggest thing. (We also have no other choice we are distant haha, jk)

[Sofi]

Sounds like you’re on the right path and setting up a good foundation, then, which is good news. Communication is indeed everything when it comes to sex! <3