Scarleteen

Hello everyone,
My boyfriend and I (both adults if that matters) have been together for about half a year now. He's mostly transitioned and you really cant tell he was born any other way.
He has a really hard time opening up about his issues, including his severe depression and gender dysphoria. Furthermore, he actually ignores his feelings to the point where he cant even catch when its getting bad. He did say that he wishes it was easier for him to open up bc it makes him feel better in our conversations and all. Hes also autistic so I cant really go off of social cues here.

With that said: How can I support him in everyday life? How can I make him feel more comfortable to talk to me?

I try to tell him how attractive and handsome he is to me as often as possible (bc omg he is really fcking hot). I try to check in with him, ask him how he is doing, but I usually just get a "i did xyz, that good, makes me feel better." Or a "today is just bad"
He has never once complained about the way I respond to him opening up. On the contrary, he said I make him feel very seen and loved.

I know he needs time. I know that regualar therapy (which he is starting again soon) will help. I know I should be patient.

I dont know how to affirm him in any other way than words. I dont know how to make it easier to speak about such issues. And as long as I dont know whats going on in his head, I dont know how to help him in more specific ways.


On a more me-personal note:
All of this is really difficult to navigate for me. He has basically lost his ability to show empathy. He does still support me in practical ways (like making phone calls for me) but he is just very cold otherwise. I know I cant expect someone drowning to help me out of a pool I can stand in, but I, too, feel like the water levels are rising and I am slowly loosing footing. He knows that.
I got adhd and I am incredibly sensitive (RSD, anyone?) My life lately has been a chaos and its just incredibly hard to not get any empathy from your partner. Which is why this is so much more important to me. I cant get better if he doesnt. I love him and I love our relationship. I dont want either to feel bad.

Hi AQuestion3, welcome to the boards!

You know, with questions like these, there’s not really one specific answer we can give. That’s because it’s very individual to the person themselves - so for example, how you can support him in everyday life and how you can make him feel more comfortable talking to you, are both questions only he can answer. Have you asked him these, and if so, what did he say?

What I can give you are some general tips on this kinda thing, but again, please keep in mind everyone needs different things. Generally, though, most people feel most comfortable opening up if they feel safe. So continuing to have open honest communication, and being patient with him as he goes through this, is likely the best way to go about it. We can’t really rush someone to be ready to open up in the way we want them to. Being a safe person to open up to is all we can really do.

Regarding the empathy issue, it sounds like it’s somewhat new and not just how he is, so it’s probably because he’s got so much going on in his head that empathy is not a priority for his brain. This could be the explanation, but it’s not an excuse. It can help you understand it better, but it doesn’t mean you have to settle for someone who doesn’t show you the empathy you want and deserve. While yes, it’s important to be patient with our partner while they go through tough times, it shouldn’t be at the expense of your needs or feelings. Therapy should be helpful for him, hopefully he’s ready to open up with his therapist so he can work on these issues at the root. No one else can help him if he doesn’t want the help (not saying he doesn’t, as it sounds like he clearly does, but just something for you to consider as this develops).

I want to pause for now and ask, how does all this make you feel?

I have asked him these questions and he honestly cant answer them. He doesnt know either. Hes been in therapy for 5 years already but since this is his first serious relationship he obv hasnt had to really open up to someone.

The empathy thing is definitely because of the current stress, dysphoria and depression levels. It was good and hes still kind. Just pretty cold.

I know this is an individual question, but I was hoping for some recommendations that I con propose to him. Ways to feel more connected (we have phases were we cant see eachother for 4 weeks, like 3-4x a year). Ways to feel more comfortable. Maybe ways to reaffirm him in his gender. He cant answer my question bc hes really just figuring it out himself, but I do wanna be able to help him figure out ways

AQuestion3,

I hear you saying that your partner doesn't know what he needs, which is normal when we are not in the best of places. If I had to guess, I would say I'm sure he also wishes he knew what would be helpful. Given that he doesn't know what he needs, go easy on yourself as you can not figure that out for others.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things, like keeping open communication and fostering a safe space. Beyond those things, there may not be a lot you can do, which I know can not feel good to hear. I am hopeful that starting up therapy will be helpful for him and you all as a unit.

In the meantime, would it be helpful to sort out some little ways you can show up for each other during this time?
This could look like making each other a warm beverage or sending memes or funny videos that made you think of the other.