Scarleteen

Hiya,

Finally some good news for me and my brotherin… or my brotherin and I if you’re grammatical like that :p

I got an offer for an apprenticeship for my senior year… AND ITS PAID!!! I am slightly scared because I am 5’3” and a damn paperweight cuz I’m gonna be working with big burly blue collar men. Most of whom probably don’t have the best political view ifykwim. I’m also kind of scared of being sexually harassed or something too I dunno man I just always think about the possible bad things.

Also I found out that I will graduate college in three years instead of four cuz I done busted my ass rn… And I get to go to college in the gayest little town… By gay I mean gay and not lesbian unfortunately. But I mean there has to be at least like three other lesbians on campus or something. I’m kind of excited to see my first drag show or something… But at the same time I don’t even know if I want to be out at college in fear of hostility. The campus is like 24% women, so yeah there’s a lot of men, perhaps maybe lesbian hell? I just don’t wanna be fetishized or somethin… or even worse, hate-crimed.

You either die disrespected but free or die respected well unfree I guess you are technically disrespected either way

Hi Aliengirl! Congratulations on your apprenticeship, and on getting to graduate college early!

I'm hearing that along with your good news, you also have some very understandable concerns about the environment you'll encounter at your apprenticeship and college. Ideally, you would be able to feel confident that you won't have to deal with hostility in these places. The next best thing is to know what the risks are, and that you will have support if you need it.

Have you had an opportunity to visit your workplace and meet the person you would be reporting to for your apprenticeship? A visit or two won't tell you everything, but it might give you a sense of the culture there and whether it will be a positive environment.

Along the same lines, have you been able to visit your college? Do you know anybody who went/is going to school there? I'm thinking that talking to current and former students might give you a sense of what LGBTQ life is like on campus, and let you know if it is safe to be out/what kind of hostility you might need to be prepared for.

You either die disrespected but free or die respected well unfree I guess you are technically disrespected either way

It really is a terrible choice! If there is anything that makes this better, I think it is that you can build a free life where you have the respect of people who share your values, and where the disrespect of people who don't doesn't matter as much.

Has other people's disrespect been bothering you, lately? If you would like, you can talk about that here. <3

Hiya,

Sorry to be misleading but I haven’t *officially* gotten my apprenticeship. Basically the companies do a little draft day thing and that’s how they’ll pick us. I’m just going to have to hope that I get by one of the aerospace-based ones because even if they don’t have any female apprentices, they have women working there. And also it was pretty well rated on Indeed as a work place— but mid-april I’ll be visiting some of the company work places so that’ll help me gauge.

I have visited my college and I love the rinky dink town it’s in. I feel safe there as a WOC honestly, but I just have a fear of getting assaulted. I mean I think I have a gauge of how LGBTQ it is because they have a LGBTQ community center and little club and also drag shows once in a while. It’s mostly men though and DL hook-up culture stuff.

You can definitely cut the disrespectful people off but it hurts when it’s the people closest to you

Nobody has been disrespecting me though :p

Ahhhh, I see! Good luck, then--I hope you'll get an aerospace apprenticeship!

I'm glad to hear that you feel like your college town is a safe place for women of color, and that the company for your apprenticeship is well rated. Would you like to talk more about your fear of being assaulted? It is a reality that too many of us have to face, but I'm wondering if it would help to talk about it. Also, if there is anything that could make you feel safer and less worried, is is worth considering.

You can definitely cut the disrespectful people off but it hurts when it’s the people closest to you

It does hurt, there really is no getting around that. <3

I do not know where my fear truly stems from. I can’t even do recreational drugs because of my fear. I find myself worrying about being assaulted in that state. I guess I will never experience “fun” things as the way they are described in popular culture. I’m so sad all the time that I don’t think I could be fun only when I do drugs. I cannot find fun in doing things that other people find fun. I’m mundane and boring… This is why I will always fumble the manic pixie dream girl (this is a half joke but very true story)

I talked to my counselor and I will apparently have a mentor and my counselor will communicate with my workplace as well. This makes me feel a lot better.

Aliengirl,
I think sometimes fear can stem from things just being legitimately scary, if that makes sense. But it does seem like this fear has become extremely limiting to you. You’ve shared before that you’ve had an experience of assault in the past. I hope you can give yourself a lot of grace in experiencing fear now. Is this something that you’ve gotten support for from a therapist or mental health professional?

I also want to acknowledge that it sounds like you’re having a rough night/ time in general in this moment. I don’t think you are mundane or boring. You show up on the boards with thoughtful posts, humor, interesting questions, and a lot of vulnerability. I can understand that feeling of not being “fun,” I’ve often felt that way myself. But it’s sounded like you’ve had some excitement for the town you’ll be living in, for getting to go to drag shows, and for some change. A new environment doesn’t guarantee a total fix, but I do think that those transitions can help us bring out new or guarded parts of ourselves. And maybe, what you can find joy and fun in isn’t what is shown in pop culture or what you think most people like. That is okay!! You aren't in a movie, you're a real person. It doesn't have to look "good" to anyone but you.

I’ve had some thinking done. Minimal though cuz my head is heavy and so are my eyelids. Some amount of uncertainty is in this opportunity as well as what could happen in the future, of course. This uncertainty lends me some fear. And that is okay. But I have a feeling that I will be safe and okay.

I honestly didn’t realize that my assault was an assault until recently but I wouldn’t say I think about it at all. It’s just kind of something that happened and I guess that’s because I was so young. As I really thought about this I realized that my fear of being assaulted isn’t about the act but rather the vulnerability associated with it. I have never had support with this topic from a mental health professional. I most likely won’t until I am in my mid twenties.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have always struggled with feeling abnormal. But it’s just a part of me. I am unusual and that is okay. I honestly am optimistic for college. I might be too optimistic here but I think I will assimilate well there. Hopefully everyone is as pretentious as me (joke).

I'm glad Mikky's words helped you feel better, Aliengirl! We'd be happy to hear more of your thoughts when you have them. I'm hearing acceptance and cautious optimism though, and honestly, that's the best we can do with uncertainty.

Working with a therapist around your fears of vulnerability sounds like a good idea. It is my understanding that you can find low cost mental health support though colleges. Would you be open to seeing a therapist there? That way, you wouldn't have to wait a few years.

I checked and they offer free therapy. So I think I might go but honestly I’m not sure if I have the balls to (literally and figuratively… wait TMI). They do have a group therapy thing and on Fridays there’s a therapy bunny!!! I would totally go just for the bunny if I’m being honest. Uhhhhhh I will probably grow balls I’m not gonna lie. I’ve gotten more comfortable with stepping out of my comfort zone in recent years. YAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

Awww! I am delighted by the concept of a therapy bunny, and I'd also go somewhere just to see one.

I'm glad to hear that visiting a therapist at college seems like it would work for you, Aliengirl! Let us know if there is anything else you'd like to talk about. <3