Do i have a porn addiction?

[graciekitty]

Hello! im just going to be straight forward, i have been struggling with masturbation without porn for a while now. I have been sexually active with my boyfriend for over a year now but i can never reach climax. I can do it by myself but i cant finish without watching porn. How do i break this habit?

[mikky]

hi graciekitty,

Although "porn addiction" is a pretty popular term, addiction isn’t a very accurate framework. We try to pose it more like a compulsive behavior. Watching porn occasionally while masturbating, and finding that to be arousing or something that helps you orgasm, doesn’t sound very compulsive to me.
But, it is always a good idea to check in about your feelings around it, and it sounds like you have the sense that it is disruptive to your ability to enjoy sex with your boyfriend. Porn, and sexual media in general, provides additional stimulation that can be arousing, interesting, and exciting. The last time you were here, we talked about communication, exploration and experimentation with yourself and your boyfriend. How has that been going? Do you often feel under or over stimulated with him? Are you feeling interested in the sex that you have?

[graciekitty]

We've tried to explore and experiment and it's a little better but i still can't reach climax. We haven't been active recently because i feel as though ill be disappointed every time and that has also put alot of strain on everything

[mikky]

I sent you this article before, but I want to send it again in case you haven't looked at it yet: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide.

I wonder what it might look like for you and your boyfriend to try to take orgasm/climax off the table as a goal. Rather, focusing on what is feeling good, or connecting, or fun? I'm really sorry to hear that there has been strain because of this. And I hope you know that it is a fairly common experience to not orgasm from partnered or solo sex when you are in early stages of experimentation.
How is your relationship otherwise?

[graciekitty]

Our relationship is okay otherwise but there is still unhappiness from my side. Is there something wrong with me thats why i can't orgasm?

[Heather]

Were you able to read the link that mikky shared with you, gracie? I ask because I think it will help answer some of these questions for you, and at least give some important context.

And like mikky mentioned, I'd also be curious to see what happened if there wasn't any more pressure coming from your boyfriend or you to orgasm: pressure to orgasm is most likely the biggest issue here: that often makes it much harder to get there, sometimes it even makes in impossible.

Too, if your relationship is only just okay, that sounds a little lackluster to me: does it feel lackluster? Like, are you actually excited about it? When you two are sexual, is that something you deeply want to be doing with this particular person, and does it feel exciting to you to be sexual with them, before and during?

[graciekitty]

I used to be excited to be active with him but now i just know that it wont be enjoyable for me and ill be left disappointed. Ive read the article and i still dont understand what to do. It can be exciting at first but once we start, i get disappointed a loose interest but i let him continue

[Heather]

So, "letting" someone continue to be sexual with us when we don't feel excited about it and are no longer interested isn't generally emotionally healthy for anyone, and it also is a way to make sure that your sexual interactions are bad.

It sounds like what you need to do, for starters, is have a truly honest conversation with your boyfriend: about the pressure and strain you feel, about how you have been having sex when you aren't into it, and about how you two can make efforts to change the way things have been going. If you feel able to initiate that kind of conversation, I'm happy to help you create a framework to have it, and to sort out what things you need to discuss and how to talk about them.

[graciekitty]

id appreciate a framework please i do not know how to do this. Thank you! I want it to be enjoyable so badly but there is barley anything else to try that we havent already

[Heather]

Sure thing. It sounds to me like the thing you haven't tried is honest communication, truly. That tends to be a much bigger player in people's sexual satisfaction than which activities people do.

Can you tell us a little about any serious talks you have had in the past with your boyfriend about sensitive topics and how that's gone? And maybe about what's kept you from being honest with him so far (also, I want to check in and ask if you still really WANT to be sexual with him, or if you feel like maybe that ship has started to sail)? Can you tell me a little about the background of your sexual relationship? Who generally has initiated sex? How do you two decide what to do together, and does that involve any talking, or only things like one person touching the other without asking or talking about what you want and like? Have you ever been able to talk with him about what you do alone, to see what of that you can bring to the sex you have together? Have you ever had a good time, orgasm or no, where you really enjoyed yourself with him sexually?

[graciekitty]

I want to mention this before i add anything else but i also have a long history of sexual abuse (not related to my boyfriend) which has affected my experience in a big way. Ive expressed to him when we first started being active that i do not want to rush into it, but we still did (i initiated). Hes super understanding and we are eachothers firsts so we both have no experience.
Im scared to be honest because i dont want to hurt his feelings and make him not feel good enough or insecure about it. I do want to be sexual with him, its just so hard for me because im always expecting to be disappointed. Im not really sure how to explain what i do on my own because my body just knows what to do it seems and ive tried to visually demonstrate it but he still doesn't understand. I havent really enjoyed it ever, I want to do it and i feel aroused and initiate but once it starts i just lose any arousal and get stressed.

[Becky]

Hi graciekitty <3

Thanks for adding that context. Have you ever been able to discuss the abuse you experienced with anyone? Specifically, a licensed mental health professional? That's a lot to be carrying with you while also trying to navigate all of this.

From what I've read, it sounds like you just aren't enjoying the sex you're having with your boyfriend right now. And you've written to us in the past about struggling to enjoy oral sex with your boyfriend as well.

So I guess my questions would be: do you want to be sexual *with him*? Or do you want to be sexual with another person? And if you want to be sexual with another person, why? It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with masturbation/solo sex.

There's a lot of things that go into us experiencing orgasm during partnered sex. And our mental state is a huge part of it. If you aren't actually vibing with your partner and you're going in KNOWING you aren't feeling excited about having sex but do it anyway... I'd say that's a pretty good recipe for disappointment.

How are things with your boyfriend outside of sex? Is he funny? Do you like talking to him? Do you spend time together that isn't centered on having sex? Does he do things that make you feel special?

[graciekitty]

Hi! I am currently in grief and trauma counseling which helps with that but me and my doctor dont really talk about sex, its more getting my trauma out. Id like to be sexual with my partner because i feel it should bring us together (but clearly hasnt) and i dont know how to express to him that even though we've had sex in the past that i dont think im ready currently. Outside of sex is good we spend alot of time together and do alot of fun things together

[Becky]

I think it's really good that you've acknowledged that you aren't actually ready to be having sex with a partner right now. So let's work on how to communicate this with him! It sounds like you two have a lot of fun together so I'm hoping you have a good foundation.

It's really hard but at the end of the day you are just going to have to tell him that you would like to take sex off of the table for now. There's unfortunately no other way to communicate it to him other than a direct conversation. Something to think about is that there's a very good chance he is feeling the same way you are and ALSO doesn't know how to say it. If you have been feeling like the sex isn't working, there's a good chance he's felt that too.

So, the most important thing I think is to have a conversation about not having sex anymore. Any activity that you do together with the express intention of having an orgasm? Take it off the table for now.

Then, I have some resources that I think it would be really good for the two of you to go through together:

First, How to Slow Down When You're Moving too Fast.

Second, How to Build, Board, and Navigate a Healthy Relationship.

And finally, Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist.

This one in particular I think would be really good for you both to look over separately and then come together to have a conversation about your answers.

You mentioned wanting to bring the two of you closer together. The truth is that healthy, honest communication and finding things you have in common outside of sex is what will bring you closer. So, if this person is someone you want to be dating and spending time with right now, I would encourage you to go back to the basics. Hangout, have fun, enjoy each other's company; get to know each other as friends as well as romantic partners.

So how does all of this sound? How do you feel about bringing these articles to discuss with your boyfriend? Does it sound doable to tell him you want to put a pause on sexual activity?

[graciekitty]

If im honest im a bit scared to bring it up and talk about it but i know it would be best for both of us. Thank you

[Becky]

It does sound scary

A couple things to remember are:

1) the alternative is to keep doing what you're doing with no change. And that isn't going to feel good either and definitely isn't good for your sexual wellbeing or your relationship with your boyfriend long-term.

2) If you're scared because you are worried about upsetting him the thing to remember is if he cares about you he won't want to be doing anything that is hurting or upsetting you. And if he gets angry or upset that you don't want to have sex anymore and insists that you have to... well, frankly then he would be a giant jerk and you should breakup with him.

Remember, even though you've consented to having sex with your boyfriend in the past you can ALWAYS change your mind. You are ALWAYS allowed to stop doing something even if you were doing it before. The whole point of consent is that it can be revoked (otherwise, it's not really consent, right?) The most important thing is that you feel safe in your own body and that you get autonomy over what happens to YOUR body. And anyone who cares about you would agree that this is the most important thing.

Is that helpful at all?

[graciekitty]

yes thank you! Do you have any advice on how to start the conversation or bring it up?

[Becky]

I personally always think it's best to handle these kind of conversations in person. Do you have any plans to see each other soon? Before hanging out, maybe send a message saying "I'd like to spend some time today talking about our sexual relationship."

Otherwise, I would send a text saying "Hey! Can we meet up just the two of us? I'd like to talk about our sexual relationship."

I think it's good to give some context about what you want to talk about rather than just a "hey we need to talk" which can be very anxiety inducing for the person on the other end.

We also have a helpful article about how to talk about sex with your partner: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, What's and How's of Talking About Sex With a Partner.