Masturbation questions

[DeeDee]

So I’m 14 and I normally masturbate with my fingers but the other day I tried humping a stuffed animal and I enjoyed it until after which is when I felt guilty for doing it. And I was wondering if it was normal to enjoy humping things like stuffed animals or pillows?

[DeeDee]

I’m gonna ask this here because this is the only place i can really talk about this.

So I masturbate almost every day if not every other day when I’m at home. And I normally can only really do it in the shower or in the bathroom. Is that ‘normal’ in a sense?

And is it also normal to not be able to orgasm with fingering? I can only do it by rubbing my clit or humping a stuffed animal but when I try putting fingers in it either feels weird or it hurts.

I can’t ask anyone else because they don’t know I masturbate at all. So please let me know

[DeeDee]

Also another question. Is it normal to have an orgasm from humping something soft like a stuffed animal or a pillow? I started doing this recently and I don’t know if it’s like normal to do

[Latha]

Hi there, DeeDee--welcome to the boards!

I'm glad you feel comfortable asking your questions here. We are happy to help! I hope it is alright that I merged your questions. They seem to have a similar topic, so I think it could help to talk about them in one place.

I assure you, everything you've described--masturbating everyday, doing so in the shower, not being able to orgasm solely from vaginal stimulation, orgasming from clitoral stimulation, and masturbating with stuffed animals--is very common, and by that standard, normal. I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling guilty about these things. You have not done anything wrong.

Does reading that help you feel better? If you'd like, we can talk about what is leading you to feel guilty, and we can also answer any other questions you have.

[DeeDee]

It helps me feel better but I mostly feel guilty because I grew up kinda religious and everything and I still do believe there is a god but I always feel guilty like I’m sinning or doing something i shouldn’t be doing. And i can’t talk to anyone about it irl because I’m scared they’ll judge me especially my mother. But I might have to tell my mother about it soon because i want to get a vibrator. Is there a way to get a vibrator without having to tell your parents? One that is preferably really discreet because she opens my packages.

[mikky]

Hi DeeDee,
I am sorry that you're experiencing this shame and guilt. To be very clear, masturbation is totally okay, normal, and healthy. Some articles to reference:
Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)
I liked masturbating, but then I felt really gross about it. What now?
How Do You Masturbate?

Even though there isn't anything wrong with masturbation, people can be judgmental about it. Not everyone is going to listen or respond in an informed and nonjudgmental way. It doesn’t sound like your mom has necessarily demonstrated being nonjudgemental here, or necessarily respecting your privacy. If it feels important to talk to her, then we are happy to discuss how to do that. But if the only reason to talk to her is because you are interested in a vibrator, I would also want you to consider how important that is to you.

That said, there are not age restrictions on buying sex toys or safer sex supplies, so a big-box store that sells vibrators (and other things too– Sex-specific stores do have age restrictions) would be a place to look. I can’t recommend buying something online if your mom opens your packages. Another option is to DIY: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition.

[DeeDee]

I could diy but in the article it says to put condoms on the things you diy and I don’t have any. I mean I have a way I could get them but I doubt I wouldn’t get caught. I might try to buy a vibrator at a store or something and just hide it somewhere high in my room. As for masturbation I know it’s ok and it’s normal I just always feel icky after like I kicked a puppy. And my mom accepts some things about me like me being bisexual but I don’t think she’d accept me being bigender since she still says some homophobic things at times

[mikky]

That icky feeling is also not something you are alone in. It can take time and practice to quiet voices of shame in our heads, even when we know they aren't accurate or wanted. And, I think it's really great that you are starting to identify that you are feeling shame around something you know is actually okay and normal, because being able to call that out is a lifelong skill. When you feel that icky feeling, can you try to talk back to it? Does knowing that other people struggle with this feeling help you at all?

Condoms aren't typically going to be harder to hide that a vibrator, but I understand that there might be assumptions from your mom around having condoms that you might not want to navigate.

I'm really sorry that your mom is expressing homophobic things, even if it is only some of the time. Have you been able to share about being bigender with other people in your life?

[DeeDee]

Only a few of my queer friends know I don’t just go by she/her but they don’t know that I go by she/he. But for the vibrator I might be able to buy one secretly especially since I’ll be getting a job in the summer which is kinda soon.

[DeeDee]

I have one more question though. Is it normal to be horny most of the time?

[KierC]

Hey DeeDee

The summer job sounds exciting! And that’s great that it could give you more freedom to buy your own vibrator on your own. I’m also glad to hear you have some friends who you feel comfortable sharing at least a little more with. Do you want to tell them that you also go by she/her, or is there a reason you haven’t?

To answer your second question: sexual desire and arousal can vary a lot depending on how you’re feeling and your environment, so it’s common to experience times where you feel like you’re aroused quite often, and it’s also common to experience times where you don’t feel aroused much at all. I’ll say, too, sometimes when you experience sex negativity in the home or in your life, it can be easy to feel like any amount of sexual desire or arousal is too much or like it’s happening all the time. Do you feel like that might be happening as well? Totally ok if that doesn’t relate to you too, I just wanted to throw that out there.

So, there’s nothing wrong or abnormal about experiencing a heightened level of desire or arousal, the only thing that matters is that it isn’t bothersome to you or getting in the way of daily life. With that said, is this something that bothers you, or are you feeling ok about it?

[DeeDee]

I feel pretty ok about it I mean it’s not overwhelming but it definitely feels like it’s a lot of the time. And the reason I haven’t told them I think I go by He/She is because I’m scared they’ll see me differently and because they might use he/him in front of others when they don’t know I also go by he/him. But I also don’t even know for sure if I do go by he/she. I feel like it might be right but I also think I might just be a cis girl.

[lilikoi]

Hi DeeDee,

Explaining your identity to other people can be so complicated! I wish people were less judgmental about things that don't impact them.

To avoid too many people finding out about your gender expression, would you be comfortable sharing with your friends that you haven't come to a conclusion about the pronouns that feel best? If they know that you're still trialing pronouns, then you could ask them to just use the pronouns around the people you feel comfortable with. This could give you some opportunity to hear and absorb the idea of people using he/him. Once you hear it enough, if it feels validating and correct, that is great to know! The trial pronoun run with trusted confidants is a great way to affirm your gender. I hear you that it's nerve wracking to bring it up for the first time. That being said, anyone who is accepting of you will not perceive new pronouns as a major shift in your personality. You deserve to be accepted for the gender that feels right for you!

Here is an article by a bigender writer for some reassurance that you are absolutely not alone on this path! Gender Identity: My Step by Step