Scarleteen

so. i’m 17, turning 18 this year. i have a girlfriend, she’s 20 years old. we’ve been officially dating less than a month, but actually we’ve known each other since July and since July we’ve been low-key dating. i guess it’s too early to say this now but i’m happy and content with what i have. i can even say that i love my girlfriend, even though i think it’s too early to say that. she’s kind, beautiful, funny and interesting to talk to. we can talk for hours nonstop. we also about to go on a trip together.

before her, when i was 16 years old i had a MASSIVE crush on a girl from my university. i was in denial back then and she was my gay awakening, and genuinely the most emotional roller coaster crush that i’ve ever experienced. when the school year ended i got over that feeling, and didn’t think about her the whole summer. i thought that’s it. and then when i was back in the university it all started all over, kinda. when i saw her the first time after the summer break i felt the same. my heart dropped, i could feel myself blushing. then when we had the rehearsals together for halloween show and we would talk and i guess i was slightly nervous but mostly fine. i thought “yeah i’m over that feelings” especially considering that i found out that she has someone in her life and she also wasn’t very interested in me. it was in october.

now when me and my gf started dating i started thinking of her more and more. in a way “what could’ve been if things were different/when she flirted with me i answered” not in a way “ i want to date her”. i don’t think we would’ve been able to have relationship, i think our vibe is very different. but i still feel my heart stop when i think i see her in the hallway or when a photo of her pops up in the university’s social media. i feel like a loser compared to her. in my eyes she’s perfect, this untouchable human being, so cool and talented that i’ll always be beneath. and i also feel like i’m treating my gf bad because of it. i’m afraid that someday if we were to drink together i might spill this thing out, that i still think about this girl. that i still get nervous and shy when i see her.

i’ve also talked to my friend about this. he reassured me that this is normal, especially since i dont think about this girl often, well after our talk i do, what a paradox.

i would never cheat. i would never text her. but i don’t know what to do with this feeling. it’s also getting creepy that i still have this crush after a fucking year. please help.

Just because we have feelings for one person doesn't mean they will be the only person we have feelings for. It's actually a lot more unusual for someone -- particularly over time -- to ONLY find one person in the whole wide world attractive or appealing than for someone to feel that way about more than one person. Being with a partner exclusively (when that's what you and a partner want to do) isn't about not having any interest in anyone else, it's about choosing to only be with each other because that's where you want to focus your time and energy romantically, sexually, or both.

I can see why you still have an attachment to this person you're talking about: it sounds like your feelings about them were very formative for you! It also sounds like you've put them up on a pedestal, though: they are certainly no more perfect than the rest of us, it's just easy to idolize someone when we don't get to know them well. But it's also easy to hold on to a crush when we see someone as superhuman.

I strongly suspect that if you let go of worries about these feelings, and don't get all hung up on them, and also gtry and let go of the way you've idealized her, those feelings will be able to just live in you in a low-key way, they way plenty of us will often have feelings for past cruses or cherished exes.

thank you for your answer, i appreciate all the help that i’ve received throughout years here.
but i have a question, should i talk about this with my partner? because it feels like i’m hiding something from my partner, even though i don’t?
and how to let it go? i might not think about her and tell myself that she’s just a regular person, but i when i see her these nervousness is still there.

You're welcome. <3

You know, whether you talk about this with your partner or not is really up to you and, I'd say, probably best informed by your unique relationship. Do you two talk about other people you each find attractive or have or have had feelings for? If so, then it might feel comfortable to talk about this. If not, it might not. But either way, I don't think this is about you hiding something. No doubt your partner has people they have had crushes on you don't know about.

Per letting it go, I'd just give it time. I know at 17 a year feels like a long time, but it really isn't in the grand scheme of things. I think if you just move your focus to other things, the real estate this is taking up for you will probably shrink pretty fast. Plus, you will stop seeing her in the halls pretty soon, too, you know?