I don't want to be my gender anymore and I don't know why

[Wonderegg]

I born a woman but now I don't want to be a woman anymore. last year I decided to get back into reading wanted to learn more about the LGBTQ community. First book I read was genderqueer by Maia Kobe and it was so fun and fascinating to me but after reading more books on butch women and reading about hart I realized that I don't want to be a girl anymore. I don't mind identifying as a woman I just wish I was something else. I don't like being seen as just a woman. I'm trying to use different pronouns for myself, but I keep going back to using she/her (misgendering myself) and I don't like it. I really don't have a safe space to experiment, and I feel like I'm being a hassle if I were to ask people to use he / him pronouns. I'm curious about taking testosterone but I'm not fully sure. I don't like my voice but having a deeper one scares me I don't want to sound like a man. I don't have dysphoria at least I don't think so. I thought I wanted a dick or at least to have some bottom growth, but I also want to keep my vagina. I don't feel a certain way about my gender or at least I try not too because I already trying to figure out my sexuality. just wish I could just switch to whatever I want whenever I want.

idk all of a sudden, I just caught myself obsessing about trans men/transmasculine people because I think it's cool and fascinating. I would love to just be fluid, but I still catch myself thinking in binary and I would like to stop.

[Anya]

Hey there Wonderegg,

Welcome to the boards!

All of these feelings are so valid. Gender can be one of the most confusing things to understand since there really is not timeline for figuring it out, and unfortunately no "right" answer. Investigating gender identity is often a very internal process, which can be both a good and bad thing. It allows you the space to identify, practice, and learn about yourself in an intimate way, only reliant on how you are feeling, but it also can be so lonely. I see that you mention you don't have a safe space to experiment with this stuff, and that sounds really hard. Is there anyone in your life who you might open a safer space with, like a friend, school counselor, or teacher who could practice with you, addressing you with the pronouns you want to use?

Pressure if one of the biggest things that holds people back from experimenting publically with their gender, whether it be cultural standards, external judgement, or the expectation that once we choose to make something public, that it must be forever. In reality, gender is so complex and fluid over time and in different spaces that having somewhere, even if that's just in your own head for now, where you can be who you want is so important.

You mention some possible anxiety about misgendering yourself at times, and I do want to just say how common this is. I dont want you to feel like its "telling you something" that you can't commit to one pronoun or the other, its actually very difficult to shift the language we've used for ourselves for the past number of years to something new. This isn't to say its impossible, it certainly isn't, but I hope it's not causing you even more stress since these thngs do take time. I have misgendered myself so many times since I started using they/them pronouns 4 years ago, but no matter how many times it happens it still doesn't change how non-binary I am, ya know?

I want you to take a look at a couple of my favorite articles of ours on this topic, and once you've given them a read, feel free to come back here and we can talk as much as you need about this
- This first one is part of our Trans Summer School series, which if you like, i'd highly recommend checking out the rest of the series.
- this one is one of my fav practices, and a good look at someone else who went through (and still is) learning about their own gender, just like you.
- Lastly, here's an advice column of ours on HRT that I think hits some of the questions you are also asking.

[Wonderegg]

Thank you so much this was really helpful. I don't have many friends I can't go outside and the ones I made I don't have my own phone so I could contact them privately. I made a friend online tho and they go by they/them. they told me I could go by whatever I want but they said that they gotten used to people using the wrong pronouns too.

Sometimes I feel jealous of butches I don't want to be. Honestly, I would have identify as butch if I knew what my sexuality was for sure. I was straight but then I thought I could be bi I never had a crush on a woman I just think I'm sexually attracted to women. I don't know if I'm objectifying women I don't want to. I love women bodies and I find it a little comforting. I fantasize about sex with women and I want to kiss them and cuddle women, but I never met someone in particular in real life that makes me feel wow I want to have sex as people describe sexual attraction to be. I never stopped in my tracks and looked in the direction of someone and feel sexually aroused?? idk its weird I don't know how to explain it. I never had sexual attraction to men, or I just don't think I do. thinking about sex with guys not really appealing and I just never felt that way toward them. I don't know if it's because I was sex repulsed or it the way people talk about having sex with women, but I never like thinking about it with men it only with women. Sorry, this also sounds so binary I'm just realizing this now. People around me especially in school always talked about women being tight or loose or how vagina smells fishy and it drives me nuts because that's not how it works so I just zone out during convo about sex. I feel like the adults in my life have the same sentiment too. I feel like I shouldn't like sex because that's how people treat me like I'm too innocent and because I don't feel sexy because I'm too thin. I think I'm anorexic I still fit in clothes that I have at eleven when I look at lingerie online, I know I wouldn't fit in it because everything falls off me.

I thought I was a lesbian at one point because I learned about comphet and everybody on TikTok when you search about comphet its always bisexual women finding out they're lesbian and apparently saw a video saying bisexual women can't experience comphet because " they're already attracted to men". At one point I wonder if my crushes on men are even real and still do. I only had crush on guy the other times feel like I got attached to a guy in class because people tell me I like them even though I didn't and saw them as friends or they ask if I'm attracted to them and I get embarrassed. I really don't think I react well to people asking me if I have feelings for a guy and honestly, I don't think I want to be with one while still trying figure out my gender and sexuality at the same time. For women I think about being in a relationship and I get butterflies, but it I'm not sure I feel my stomach full than anything and I get nervous. I know you could be bi but heteroflexible but I don't want to use that label because I actually want a relationship with a woman even though I don't feel romantic attraction or at least haven't had any. I get nervous thinking about just having a hook up its weird I really want to, but I don't think I can just sleep with someone I just met and I'm scared I don't give them pleasure, or I keep getting thoughts about what if I'm wrong and I don't like it or I heard women being treated "like men" I don't want to make the person feel like I'm treating them like a guy. I love the idea of just being a sub but feel selfish because I feel like I want pleasure but can't give it. I just feel like I have more questions about sex but not a lot of people to talk to about it. I honestly will love to be in a queerplationic relationship.
I know sexuality is confusing sometimes but I wish it wasn't and I wish I knew for sure. sorry, this went way off topic probably should have made another post to ask another question.

I know I can't be butch because it's a lesbian identity and I don't want to disrespect that, but I wish I knew a label for bi people at least. I know people use butch to describe their gender as well and transmen also uses the term butch so it's not just lesbians. Is there like a label for "bi butch" and what's even bisexual culture. honestly it all confusing because I'm not even from America and my country recriminalized LGBTQ rights earlier last year. Even though it feels like the bill only been introduce in 2019. It feels confusing and hard learning about LGBTQ culture in your country when there barely any books I know of and I really can't go out to pride or anywhere until I have my own money. they're barely any queer spaces. the last lesbian bar I heard shut down during covid. Honestly makes me feel like I should make one.

[maille]

Wonderegg,

It seems like there is a lot on your mind at the moment. I hear you expressing some questioning gender and sexuality, as well as feeling like there isn't much space for you to do so, whether that be because of where you live or the different relationships you have. This sounds like a lot to carry alone, so please be gentle with yourself.

In regards to labels, I think you should use whatever resonates with you in this chapter of life. It can sometimes feel as if there are qualifications to being a certain label, whether that is an experience level or what not. It can also seem as if we are taking away from others by claiming a label. But we know these things aren't true. There are no set criteria you have to meet and there is room for everyone. Does this make sense?

I also want to express to you just how fluid sexuality and gender are. It is kind of impossible to guarantee that the label you use today will suit you tomorrow, let alone in several years. As someone who struggles with uncertainty, this can be a hard one to wrap my head around, but it's true. How would it feel to take some of the pressure off of finding a 'forever' label and just exist as you are now?

You mentioned you feel 'too thin'. Is that something you'd like to talk about here?

I've given you a bit to think about, so I'll stop here for now.