i gen cannot figure out my sexuality

[hyukacco]

this topic has been coming up recently, especially since ive been becoming friends with more lgbtq+ people over the years. a couple years ago, i identified as bisexual, since i didn't have a preference. but as a new wave of friends came (majority straight), i began doubting my attraction to other females and only liked males. i have dated females in the past, and i dont think much of those relationships, its not like i am disgusted by the idea of being with another female, i honestly dont mind it. and thats the issue. i know for sure i like men, and the way i usually approach this is "can i see myself with a female/male in the future?" and i can see myself with both. i look at all aspects, including the sexual activity that would be going on. when it comes to a male, i dont mind performing oral tasks or doing things with my hands, but the thought of doing those same tasks to a female make me feel slightly uncomfortable, but the thought of a female doing it to me doesn't make me uncomfortable and i prefer it that way.
i dont really know whats going on, im not sure if i like females bc that is the only thing holding me back reslly from getting with another girl.

[Heather]

Hi there, hyukacco .

Before I say anything else, I hear you talking about some sexual things you do and don't feel comfortable doing with people: is this coming from having had those experiences, or is this conjecture, based on your *idea* of how you might feel with these kinds of sex?

[hyukacco]

ive done things with both female and male (to an extent). for males, ive done oral and had oral done on me, same with fingering. for females, ive had oral done on me

[Heather]

Okay, thanks for filling me in.

You know, I generally don't think we can figure out what our attraction to people of a given gender is as a whole group based on which sexual activities we do or don't enjoy with people, or are or aren't comfortable with. For one, those things tend to be based a lot more on how we feel with a given individual -- which sometimes has little or nothing to do with their gender or body parts -- and two, men as a group are billions of people, and so are women. What our sexual experience has been with, say, a few people of a couple different genders is just such a small sample size, it's not going to tell us much about how we may feel about groups made up of billions of people. Do you know what I mean?

It's sounding to me like you pretty clearly feel like a queer/bisexual/pansexual person. That given, chances are awfully good that what you do or don't want to do with a partner is probably going to be based more on that person and how you feel about them as an individual than about their body parts, assigned sex or gender. And it's also not like anyone has to want or like any particular sexual activity or group of sexual activities to be with someone of a given gender or particular collection of body parts: we all like and want and don't like and don't want different things, and that's rarely based on gender. Too, it sounds like some of what you're thinking about and feeling uncomfortable with are things you don't have experience with yet: it's common to feel uncomfortable or nervous when things are new to us or when we haven't done them before. (I'd also add that because of some myths of heteronormativity, a lot of people have the idea oral sex with someone with a penis, or penises, period, are "simple" while oral sex with someone with a vulva, or vulvas, period, are "complicated" when in fact, they're all neither of those things -- I can't say if any of that is in play for you here or not, but you probably have a sense of that for yourself.)

That all said, how we feel about people of a given gender is just usually about way more than how we feel having sex with them or about the *idea* of sex with them. Sexual orientation is about who we feel attraction to, before or even without actually being sexual with someone or a group of people. So, it sounds to me like you already have the answer to this, and that it's that you feel attracted to people of at least two genders, men and women. I think that you might be complicating things for yourself when you try and make this about more than that, especially when you make it about sexual activities you haven't actually experienced yet. <3