Dealing with off-ish thoughts

[Adelitica]

I was exposed to explicit material (like everyone else with unrestricted internet access) at a pretty young age. And started like sh at 11. The stuff didnt stay vanilla and its kinda hard to watch it without seeking something different, yk? im 16 rn, I haven't really stopped, but im not watching that stuff like all the time compared to back then. Though, recently I've started to imagine the two mixing. Like, if I got it on with someone and that person hurt me or helped me sh. I don't know why my brain is like this. Part of me is disgusted with myself but the other part has an interest in it. It's wierd and kinda freaks me out. Has anyone else gone through this and found some way to fix it or come to terms with those kind of thoughts? any comments greatly appreciated!

[Latha]

Hi there, Adelitica--welcome to the boards!

I can see how it would feel disconcerting to have fantasies that involve both pleasure and self-harm. I promise, this doesn't mean anything is wrong with your brain, or with you.

I couldn't know how exactly you feel, but I can think of some reasons why this kind of mixing might happen for someone. Intense emotions like fear, pain, and relief can sometimes go along with the high-energy feelings that come with sexual pleasure. It makes sense to want someone with you while you are in struggling, or to help you with something you feel you should do. And associating painful memories with something more pleasurable can make them easier to bear. There isn't anything inherently wrong with thinking about any of that. It is just that some fantasies can't be explored in real life: because they are impractical or impossible, because because they conflict with other priorities, or, like in this case, because of safety concerns. Having fantasies that can't be tried in real life isn't at all uncommon.

Would making a distinction between the fantasies that seem interesting, and the fantasies you actually want to explore make this less weird and scary for you?

In addition: I realize you've been dealing with self-harm for a couple years now. I'd hope anyone would be able to rely on support from another person when they are feeling that way. So just in case, I wanted to share this page, with a list of support lines that you can contact during a crisis: Suicide and Mental Health Crisis Resources