Unique Masturbation and Struggles with Intimacy

[MagLio3]

So, I've never posted here before, but I have definitely browsed through other posts in the past and thought it might be helpful to finally ask for advice myself. This feels embarrassing to say, especially in a public forum, but for basically my whole life, or since I started puberty (9yrs old), I guess, I've masturbated in a way I've never personally heard of or seen anyone else do. When I masturbate, I typically keep my underwear on and kind of slip my hand between my thighs in a cupped position while crossing my ankles and squeezing my thighs together to grind against my hand. As long as I've been masturbating and experimenting, the only ways I've found to actually climax are either doing that or just using a typical vibrator. Penetration or direct clitoral stimulation with my hands has NEVER felt good for me; even when I just touch my clit with my fingers through my underwear, the sensation is uncomfortable and almost painful. The only direct clitoral stimulation that feels okay is with a vibrator, and I'm not sure why. Now, relating to that problem, I have my first boyfriend and we've been together for just over 6 months now. We consistently have sex (vaginal, penetrative), but while I still greatly enjoy it, I've never been able to cum and tbh I've lied and said I did every time because I feel too embarrassed to tell him how I personally climax or how to make me feel good. After all, it's different than the norm and I even feel it might be pointless to tell him because I don't see how a partner could ever stimulate me in a way that makes me climax when the only way I've found is so specific and independent. I'm also afraid to tell him cause I feel that he has the mindset that the orgasm is the main goal when it comes to sex while I think sex can still be amazing even without orgasm and because of this I feel it might be a huge confidence hit for him if I told him the truth. Even though I don't feel orgasm is necessary for good sex, I'd still like to be able to experience it at least once.

[Heather]

Hi there, MagLio. Welcome to the boards.

The first thing I want to say, is that, if it helps, in my nearly three decades as a sex educator I have heard so many different ways people masturbate that I'd be hard-pressed to think of more than a few variations I have heard about that struck me as unusual, and this doesn't sound like one of those to me. There is no "norm" with masturbation just like there isn't with partnered sex. There's a giant world of variation.

I've definitely heard people describing this kind of masturbation before, and with some frequency. I've also heard people who engage in this or similar ways of masturbating worried the way that you are, but please rest assured neither you nor they have anything you need to worry about.

What's keeping you from reaching orgasm with your partner doesn't sound to me like it's the way you masturbate, it sounds to me like it's you not showing and telling them the way you do so that they can know how, and explore these or related kinds of touch and stimulation in the sex you have together. I can envision plenty of ways in which this kind of stimulus or touch could be incorporated with a partner, including them doing exactly what you do when you're alone.

Telling them you have reached orgasm when you haven't also has given them misinformation, which means they have the wrong idea about what you might need, want or actually enjoy, and none of the right ones. Few people will reach orgasm -- or feel particularly satisfied -- just with vaginal intercourse, especially the person with the vagina. Too, it sounds like you have an issue with the dynamic in your relationship where your partner sees sex as something about a product (orgasm) instead of a process (pleasure). Lastly, if you don't feel able to be honest in your sexual communication with a partner, that's always going to be a huge, huge barrier to an actually good and satisfying sex with someone.

So, here's the big thing you will first need to figure out, and I'm happy to help you think it through if you like: is this someone you actually want to be honest with and can be honest with about sex? Someone you think can handle it, and who will be great about it, if you tell them you have been faking it, so you can get started on correcting the misinformation they have and giving them honest information? Someone you feel comfortable showing ways you touch yourself that feel good and asking to do things that feel good for you? Someone you can ask to change how they are approaching sex with you? There's no right or wrong answers to any of this, just what you want and feel able to do, and what you think this partner is or isn't capable of.

The long story short here is that it doesn't sound to me like any problems are stemming from how, so far (chances are that over time, you can and, with the right partners, partners where there are very different dynamics, will learn to orgasm more than just this one specific way) you reach orgasm. Rather, it sounds like this particular relationship and the way you both have been sexual in it -- including the lack of open and honest sexual communication -- is where the issues lie. <3