Scarleteen

so I was hanging out with my parents on the back porch, which is just something that we do sometimes, and its nice. well I needed to go to the bathroom, and I had an idea. for some reason I felt the need to hit record on my phone to flip it upside down and see what they said while I was gone. maybe it was anxiety, maybe curiousity, I don't know. all I know is that it was a huge mistake.

so the first minute or so of the audio was just them singing along to the music playing, and I though oh well this is boring. but then they started talking.....
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basically this is what it was:
mom: I don't think [my name] wants to wear a dress to her prom
dad: yeah she is. that is non negotiable
mom: I've been pushing it for a couple weeks and she says no to all of them. she wants to wear a romper
dad: my daughter is wearing a dress
mom: I might just order 2 things and make her pick or her grandma's taking her shopping
dad: shes wearing a dress
mom: thank god
dad: i put my foot down
mom: I already have her short muffle of hair
dad: or shes not going. I'll be home with her and her brother
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I know its not that big of a deal but it just really makes me feel hurt and mad and betrayed ad I don't know what to do anymore. they made it clear that talking to them about it is NOT an option so that's out. maybe I could find a way to look less fem while still wearing a dress since I have no choice idk. I made a post about gender expression earlier this week and now I really feel annoyed.

Hi random-rat!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this lack of agency over what you wear/how you express yourself. Have you been able to talk with any friends about how you've felt overhearing this conversation between your parents? I do think in the future it is not the best idea to record conversations, especially ones that can be so upsetting.

As for dressing less feminine, there are absolutely ways you can be creative in the other areas of your outfit. You have already talked about how fit and color of the dress may make you feel less feminine. But accessories, hair styling, and shoe choice could do a lot to make you feel more like yourself.

I often pushed myself to be super feminine at school dances when I was younger because of pressure. Looking back, I wish I would've been more true to myself with my accessories, makeup and hair. Being yourself, even with the pressure of wearing a dress, is absolutely possible and something I think you'll be happy you did!

How are you feeling about attending the dance after hearing these things?

I told my friend about it and she was super supportive and said shed help me get ready and look less fem which helps.

the worst part is that its formal meaning long dresses and I have no idea what to do, I do know I want it black (usually the color I wear) and not tight or revealing and I'd prefer it to be shorter but all the dresses my mom show me arent right and reveal like back or chest or some other part I don't want to show. and when theres one I like se tells me its too basic for a dance.

and I dress more alt so I have lots of studded accessories maybe that could help, or a have a fedora for a more theatrical look I'm not sure what I'll do yet. but I just know my mom is going to try and do my makeup or something. and I KNOW shes going to try and style my pretty short hair, which I can do alone. this sucks

Hi, random-rat:

I am so glad that you were able to discuss this with a friend and get support. It's always good to have someone who will listen and be in your corner, particularly when those closest to you (whether relationally or in proximity) are not so supportive. I love the suggestions Amber gave to you for how to make your prom outfit more fitting for you and expressive of your personality and style. And it sounds like you already have some ideas for doing that! Very fun ideas that I hope you are able to integrate into your outfit.

From here, it sounds like it is settling on the actual outfit/dress that your parents are approving of and that you like. Since you already stated talking with them about it seems like not an option, what are your feelings now about wearing a dress? Is where you are at right now being okay with wearing a dress if it is one less revealing that feels comfortable to you? Or are you still wanting to push for not wearing a dress? If you had to wear a dress, do you think your parents would compromise on the type/style of the dress? Have you had that conversation at least?

ugh they just knew I would keep saying no to dresses so my mom went ahead and just ordered 2 without even telling me until after. she won't even show me what they look like.

after she told me this I said crap about how I'm body conscious and how much I hate something not being my style and stuff, and I was literally almost in tears. she just started saying things about how you don't know until you try it on and threatened to take me to david's bridal or something with my grandma and started gushing about how great lulu's (the site she ordered both dresses from) is and how the dresses aren't poofy or anything. she said they arent bad and "something she would have worn in the 2000's" (like I like 2000's ALT clothing) and she cant acccept the fact that I AM VERY DIFFERENT FROM WHO SHE WAS AT MY AGE and I aim to be a different person from who she was later. she usually hears me out and always does a lot for me regarding my many mental illnesses and overall happiness and stuff, she's truly a good person, but I just don't know anymore

after this whole dress thing I've come to the realization that both me and my parents have different views and opinions about a lot of things, and that all of the family members before them share those beliefs. I feel so out of place in my family and hate having to pretend to agree with them. I've finally realized that my parents arent perfect, they aren't heroes, they aren't right about everything, they aren't raising me "better than their parents did" its all a cycle.

and I feel so guilty because they are probably well intentioned and don't know any better but at the same time they say things that hurt me that I cant tell them it hurts without them knowing who I truly am. I guess this ties back to my anxiety of them only loving who they think I am and not the person on the inside, and it makes my stomach sick to even think about.

I know this got pretty off topic, but after typing this I guess its not as much about the dress as I thought.

You know, the reason that things with clothes like this can get so loaded -- and it can feel like you're making a bigger deal of something than it is -- is because so often how we dress is very deeply tied to our identity, whether that's gender identity, who we are as whole people, how we feel about and relate to our bodies, all of the above and more. Yes, it's not as much about the dress except that it is, because the dress -- and how you dress -- is about all of those things and more.

You're right: your mom is probably very well intentioned and just isn't understanding how you feel and the gravity this has for you. But how you feel also makes a lot of sense.

I wonder: is it possible to ask your mom to sit down and talk with you about this, where you ask her to please just hear you out without interrupting, and then offer to hear her out the same way, and after that, you two can try and find some agreement with this? I mean, ultimately, it sounds to me like where this needs to land is your mom better understanding what you need and how heavy this is for you, and agreeing to work *with* you to help you find something that you actually feel good about. Does that kind of outcome feel possible to you?

I'm so scared of confrontation that of course I didn't take that advice .

the dresses came in today and I tried them on and honestly they aren't too bad, my mom even asked if I wanted to return either and find something else and I said no. both are something that I'll easily be able to make my own.

see but I just told her I'm going to shower and I'm in the bathroom having a panic attack (which for me is uncontrollable crying) and I genuinely don't know why I'm so upset still

Hi, random-rat:

How are you doing now? I know you weren't able to take Heather's advice in the moment to speak with your mom about compromising on the dresses and accessories, but do you think that is something you might be able to think about doing now that you have addressed your initial anxiety about it? I do understand when you have anxiety about something the need to isolate a bit and get the emotions under control. I still think there is great opportunity for you think about what you would like your mom to know and be able to face her with your truth. I know it is scary, but otherwise you will be compromising your own truth and who you want to be. This could be a wonderful chance to be honest and forthcoming about who you are.

Do you want to work on ways to outline what you want to communicate to your mom and managing the emotions that come with delivering your truth?

I'm feeling a little better now. I get frequent panic attacks so I'm used to it (I'll be sure to actually talk about this to my therapist next week)

and isolating myself due to anxiety is something I've done my entire life, and I have 3 anxiety disorders so situations like this aren't new to me.

I guess I'd be able to talk to my mom about it if I actually had a good time and actually knew what to say and I guess pushed myself. shes always been there to talk about things like this so I don't know why this is one of the first times I'm scared to talk to her. I feel the same anxiety as I feel around my classmates, my teachers, and random strangers, and this is a horrible feeling I feel super guilty about somehow

Hi Random-rat,

I'm sorry to hear about the panic attack, but I am glad you are feeling better. Would you like our help figuring out what you would say to your mother, if you did have this conversation? What would make for a good time, for you?

Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. I understand she has always been there for you to talk to her, but your hesitance isn't coming from nowhere: in the conversation you heard, it seems like your mother was all too willing to make what you wear about your parents' standards for what daughters should do rather than your comfort and happiness. It is a strikingly inconsiderate position for her to take, and I think most anyone would feel unsettled in your situation.