How do I (afab) top a man

[CluelessWeasel]

I'm 19, autistic and VERY new to being open to the idea of actually having sex and I realized I have no clue what I'm doing, my bf is a total bottom and I want to make sure that I know how to go about topping in a way that would actually pleasure him and be safe and comfortable for both of us.

Tldr: I have no clue what I'm doing, any advice helps

[mikky]

Welcome cluelessweasel!

This sounds exciting, and it is normal to feel like you don’t know what you’re doing when it comes to a totally new experience!

When we’re thinking about what will be pleasurable, safe, and comfortable for both of you, that is mostly going to come down to a lot of very personal preferences. I highly, highly recommend taking a look at Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist, by yourself first and then with your boyfriend. Communication and having an ongoing conversation is part of exploration. We can’t expect to start something totally new and just get it 100% perfect the first time! I think that guide can be a really nice tool for shaping a conversation and provide a good set of straightforward ideas about what sex might involve.

What conversations have you already had with him? Do you have specific concerns?

Are you wondering about physical “mechanics” of topping? Are there specific sex acts, fantasies, or other ideas that you’ve already discussed?

(And, one last thing to start, this great new piece: Learning From Autistic People About Sensory Accommodation During Sex )

[CluelessWeasel]

Tysm I think I'm mostly unsure about how the mechanics of it work. We've had a few conversations about it but nothing that detailed because we both get really flustered

[maille]

How exciting! And thanks for being so vulnerable with us. Sex is so specific from person to person and partnership to partnership. As much as I wish I had a clear 5 step manual for you, there is just no such universal fit.

Like, mikky said, communication is always the way to go. I hear you on getting flustered during these convos with your boyfriend, and I wonder if you all could lean in on that as part of the fun. It's new, it's exciting and maybe a bit flustering and awkward. I have a piece that I stand by hardcore and think everyone should read. It's called Be a Blabbermouth!. Talking about sex can be awkward, but it doesn't have to be uncomfortable with the right partner.

I don't want to give you too much to chew on or read, but one more article I think could be helpful here is Left Foot, Red, Right Hand, Green: The Deal on Sex Positions. Give these a read and see if anything resonates with you. Let us know what you think!