Scarleteen

Hiya (21m).
I've got this issue that doesn't seem to go away, and I can't tell where my OCD ends and my sexuality begins. I have learned to accept various parts of my sexuality; I like both ladies and gentlemen, masculine women and feminine men are really cool, and notably, fatter folk are something I dig too (this one was kinda hard to accept, but I did). I used to dig transformation stuff, mainly alongside weight gain, but I didn't feel comfortable with MtF WG stuff (not that there's anything wrong with trans people! They're awesome), and decided to stop (in 2022. I think I picked it up in 2020 or 2019?). It wasn't something I fantasized about, and just engaged with in self-insert AI writing (which is another reason I try to ditch it; AI sucks). In stopping my use of this pornography, I wound up having my own gender identity as my OCD theme.

Through self-introspection and research of the trans experience, I came to the conclusion that I'm pretty happy being a guy. I'm not the most masculine guy in existence (I've crossdressed for cosplay), but that doesn't really matter to me, because I like who I am and my gender is something I rule like a mad tyrant.

The thing is, though... I think the time I spent engaging in a kink I don't like have scarred me in some way. I can't seem to approach my sexuality without getting intrusive thoughts telling me that the only thing that can arouse me is MtF WG stuff. I'll be looking at an image I like, and my brain will go "Sorry, you don't get to enjoy this and feel complete. You secretly want THIS." If I'm just enjoying anything else I find attractive, it'll try to convince me that I'm actually thinking about that stuff. It's like it's trying to poison sexual attraction for me.

This only happens during these period of immense physical and mental anxiety at least once a week, and my brain tries to convince me that the only way to escape it is to go engage with that stuff. It does turn me on physically, but it doesn't feel good mentally. I (embarrassingly), only recently figured out how to masturbate, and when I'm masturbating while looking at images I like, that feels RIGHT, and I feel complete, in a way. It's like this kink only exists in these times, because it never pops in my head to go do it otherwise, and I wouldn't be surprised if the anxiety gets perpetuated because I start worrying about the urge, keeping the cycle going (the anxiety can start from anything, by the way. Be it struggles with work or whatever, I start feeling anxious and don't know what to do, at which point my brain goes to this). Sexual attraction during to this during, when exposed to this, is like an instant gratification, because masturbation takes longer.

I know that I'll probably be told to accept it, but it just doesn't make me feel comfortable. I've accepted things, and I've got my limits. I can accept that it exists within me (if it even does; the fact that it only re-emerges during these crises is strange), but it just isn't something I wanna touch. I don't know what I can do other than to just overcome my anxiety consistently

Hello and welcome to the boards, CoolMan2000!

I don't think you have to accept MTF weight gain fantasies as something you should want and like for yourself. If it isn't something that is right for you, it just isn't. You don't have to convince yourself otherwise.

It is likely that working to manage your anxiety will help with these thoughts, but we can also think about what else you might try together. To start, let me tell you what I've gotten from your post. Please let me know if I've missed something:

• You've said that you can't seem to approach your own sexuality without having thoughts about MTF weight gain--these thoughts come up whenever you masturbate.

• You've also said that this only happens during these periods of immense anxiety that you have at least once a week.

I'm not too surprised to hear that this anxiety about gender returns when you are stressed or in crisis. That is just how anxiety works, in my experience. It isn't reasonable, but it latches on to what gives you the strongest feelings.

This might be a silly question but, help me understand something: have you managed to find time when you are not feeling anxious to explore masturbation? Is that something that is possible for you?

I (embarrassingly), only recently figured out how to masturbate

I know this wasn't a part of your question, but I promise, it is really not late for you to figure out what you like, and it isn't even unusual for you to do so at your age. There are aspects of your sexuality that you will likely discover and rediscover for the rest of your life, and that is okay.

For the convincing myself thing, I don't try to convince myself otherwise. I just felt like it would be notable to preface it as something I don't dig.

I can masturbate when not anxious and it's pretty nice when I don't have the intrusive thoughts breathing down my neck. But I am aware that they're just that: intrusive thoughts. I've also only barely done it, as in I can count the amount of times I've masturbated on one hand. Maybe once I've done that more, I'd probably feel more at home in my sexuality? The first time I did so, I felt more complete, in a way.

Hi CoolMan2000,
I just want to chime in here to agree with everything in Latha said and to say it sounds like your plan to explore masturbation when you are not feeling anxious is a good one. I also want to reassure you that what you're experiencing is not uncommon; it's called "arousal nonconcordance," which basically means you experience genital response from an unwanted stimulus. Fortunately, because it's not uncommon, we have some great articles that could help. Definitely check these out and let us know if you have more questions or concerns.

Embracing Vulnerability and Discomfort with Sexually Intrusive Thoughts

How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

Anxiety Lies

Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

Sex on the Brain

Thank you for the help.
This other article also helped (https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... al-arousal), with how it addressed that fear is linked to arousal sometimes, which is probably why this had been more instantly-arousing than other stuff. Someone's body changing against their will or into something they don't wish to be is something that I've realized makes my skin crawl.
It's also really cool to know that there's a term for what I'm feeling! The articles have been pretty helpful.

This has been pretty validating as a whole, so I thank you all very much. It's tough to open up about it because I always assume I'll get the "Oh, just accept it" response (hence why I clarified my position and all). Thank you for being so accomadating and understanding.

Yes! I was going to add that engaging in thought loops about it only makes it a bigger thing. (I have OCD as well). Rather than necessarily accepting it, you can realize in the moment that your brain is bringing this up because you have certain feelings about it, whether you want to name that fear or anxiety etc. This can help you tell yourself it's okay it came up, it's not a big deal and you can choose not to engage in the thoughts. Seeking reassurance helps in that moment, but then long term it keeps you stuck in the loop. Addressing the thoughts head-on and naming them for what they are is more helpful. I'm so glad the articles were helpful! I also suggest finding an OCD specialized mental health professional when you're able to, it makes a huge difference to have a therapist who understands OCD and can help you with these things