I don’t think I can masturbate or feel pleasure

[Alice37]

So, I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual pleasure / attraction. I don’t really know what it’s supposed to feel like so I’m not sure. Is it something I’ll just know when I feel it? There’s a guy I’ve made out with a few times on nights out and it’s looking like we might end up having sex soon which would be my first time. It’s the first time I’ve felt anything close to wanting to have sex with someone. I don’t know what sex or pleasure feels like but I want to be physically close and intimate with him anyway. And I just want to know if I’m capable of sex / sexual pleasure beforehand, so that it doesn’t go badly on the night.

I’ve never had any sexual relations with anyone, except one time last year when I got mostly naked with a guy and he tried to finger me. I felt no pleasure during the whole encounter, and we actually stopped because it hurt before he could even get it in. But to be honest, consent was slightly dubious (he was older than me and I was drunker than him) and I had no interest in him (he actually grossed me out a bit), I was just pushing myself into it because I thought it was about time I did something. So that’s probably why I felt nothing, or at least part of the reason. I wasn’t turned on at all. But the thing is, I don’t think I’ve ever been turned on. I have also never really masturbated.

I’ve tried to masturbate a few times (I know how unusual I am for not having done it at my age) but I can’t seem to feel pleasure from touching myself. I don’t know whether it’s something physically wrong with me, or a super low sex drive for whatever reason, or maybe just because I’m nervous or putting pressure on myself? Sex and bodies and genitals - even my own - kind of scare me. It all makes me very anxious, and always has done. Which could be why I haven’t ever successfully masturbated? I don’t really know how to do it (I know that sounds stupid). The only okay feeling thing I’ve done is rubbing the general area down there over my underwear, which can sometimes make me feel some vague interesting sensation - I’m not even sure if it’s a nice sensation, just interesting. And it’s not a very strong / pronounced feeling and it never goes anywhere. Touching my clitoris area / nipples just feels uncomfortable, like biting into something cold. I’ve also tried to finger myself but I can’t get anything inside my vagina, not even a tampon or my finger (or that guy’s finger from before). My opening seems extremely small, smaller than a pea, and trying to put anything in it makes it hurt before it even goes inside. Nothing’s been in there. So maybe I’m not even capable of sex in the first place?

I would really appreciate any help. What can I do to try and get myself off? Is there a technique I can try, or any conditions that might make it easier? I feel like I don’t know anything - a friend recently said I should turn the lights off and use my spit as a lubricant, which had never occurred to me. Also, is it going to be a problem that my vaginal opening is so tiny nothing can fit in, or will it just magically expand if I can manage to feel sexual pleasure? Sorry for the long and confused post, I’ve been putting off dealing with all of this until now because I didn’t need to as I didn’t expect to have sex.

[Latha]

Hi there, Alice37! No need to apologise for writing about your feelings as they are or being confused. That is what we are here for. <3

Physically, I think I can say with some confidence that you are capable of sex and sexual pleasure. The issues you've noted--feeling uncomfortable when you masturbate, not noticing strong feelings of pleasure, your vaginal opening seeming too small--are all very common, and very resolvable. None of these mean there is a problem with you or with your body, I promise. If you want to explore sexual pleasure, we'd be happy to talk to you about how you can approach the process of making that happen.

But before we get into any practical advice, I want to pause for a second. I'm hearing all this thought about the mechanics of sex, with yourself and with another person, but I'm not seeing much about your own desire. It looks like you've only noted its absence and a sense of confusion about what it would even look like for you to want sex. On the other hand, I am hearing what seems like a good deal of pressure and worry.

The thing is, your desire is the most important part of this equation. It is key. A lot of the time, being aroused is what makes stimulation feel pleasurable, as opposed to mundane or alien. It can also be magical in just the way you are hoping for. The vagina isn't a static structure, but rather a muscular canal. When you are in the mood, these muscles will relax in a way that allows for insertive sex, and you'll also have lubrication that makes insertion feel better.

You've said that being with this guy would be the first time you've felt anything close to wanting to have sex with someone. What is that like for you? Maybe that can be a starting point for us to talk about what sexual attraction is like. But I must say, if you want to be physically close and intimate with this person, sex is not the only way to have that. You don't have to have sex with him, no matter what you've done together until now.

So, I have a few questions: since you want to be physically close with him, would this desire of yours be fulfilled by any other kind of intimacy? Would you want another kind of intimacy more than you want sex? And, what would it mean for sex with this guy to go well? What would it mean for it to go badly?

[Alice37]

Hi Latha, thanks so much for your reply. In terms of my own desire I don’t really know what I want. I’ve never felt a strong desire for anything sexual which is why I’ve never masturbated or had sex yet. I don’t really like my body and don’t have much interest in it. But then again, I never even felt a desire to kiss anyone until now, and now I want to all the time. I’ve kissed people before and didn’t enjoy the sensation, but now I do. I guess it’s also about that feeling of closeness that makes me want to kiss him, because I just really want to be near him with his hands on me and his attention on me. I’ve never wanted physical contact with someone so much, e.g the feeling when he puts his hands on my waist. And I like the feeling of him wanting me.

And all of that is the reason I’m thinking about sex. I don’t think I can want sex in the same way as people who’ve already had it and know what it feels like, but I want all of what I just said, and I feel sex would just be more of that? And when we’re together I just feel like I really want it to go somewhere. Like, I’m always sad that we haven’t done something more or had more time together at end of the night. Plus I just kind of want to try it out. I guess I’ll know more about what I want / like if I finally give it a go with another person. I’ve always been curious about sex but repulsed at the same time, but with him it’s more like… curious and a bit skeptical but I want to try it out?

When you say arousal - I’m not sure I’ve actually ever been aroused. I don’t know what that would feel like. Which is why I’ve been sort of trying to just relax and create some kind of feeling in myself. I don’t know what arousal feels like. Is that the same thing as being “in the mood”? Because the other day when we were drunk I was definitely in a different mood to usual, like I did actively try to initiate sex. Maybe I can be in the mood but my nervousness is stopping me, and because I was drunk that barrier went away? I’m also not sure what you mean by another kind of intimacy? Sorry about all this confusion I just don’t feel like I have any reference for different feelings / actions / terminology
‘Going badly’ would be if he couldn’t get it in. Or if I felt absolutely nothing the whole time which would make it very awkward.

[Anya]

Hey Alice37,

Intimacy and closeness are absolutely some of the top reasons people say that they engage in sex, so the desire for more of that here makes total sense to me. Human beings are literally like hardwired for connection and that feeling of "goodness" to be around someone who you feel safe and comfortable with. Now, going into anything for the first time can be pretty scary and bring up some emotions, but I do want to stress how much easier it can be to take a step you haven't before with someone who you feel safe with. Having the ability to start, stop, take breaks, and talk are important parts to respecting your body's internal signals. Is this something you might feel somfortable doing with the person you'd want to have sex with? If you want some more info on how you might do this, visit: The Sex Goddess Blues: Communicating ABout Sex

On the arousal bit, you're totally right to connect the "in the mood" feeling to what we mean by arousal. Arousal is a state of stimulation when your body becomes more relaxed and the nerve endings on your skin send signals of increased intensity to the brain. You're also right that drinking alcohol can lower inhibitions, but I will fly a small flag of caution which is that with this, you also lose more of your brain's capacity to react quickly and process each moment fully, so especially if you're thinking about engaging in sexual activity, take a moment to tune into how you're feeling and what you really want in that moment.

When we talk about intimacy, and I think what Latha was getting at above, is the ability to practice closeness, and even sexuality with someone, without having to engage in sex as the end-all-be-all. There are so many ways to be intimate with someone, and if you feel in the moment that sex isn't the move, there's always other things to try. Some people go for cuddling, making out, and other alternatives to vaginal intercourse that stimulate other parts of the body. To learn more about this kind of thing, visit: What's Sex?

Like Latha mentioned, I am confident that you are perfectly normal with your desires and feelings at this point, and capable of engaging in sex if you want it. If you read anything from this response, I hope you check out this advice column of ours: Feeling Pain or Feeling Nothing At All = My Experience of Sex. I think it may really show you how common some of these fears, feelings, and physical considerations are. We are all finding our own way to pleasure and desire, and everyone's timeline is going to look different.

How are you feeling about all of this?