Scarleteen

Hi,

Thanks for all the advice you've given me along the way.

As you may know, I'm a 20 year old cis girl in college.

I met someone (a cis guy) recently. I kinda like him. Okay- just full on like - him, and he says that he likes me too.

I wouldn't call what we have a 'relationship' by any stretch of the imagination. We hang out, text, and flirt. Maybe a 'flirtationship'? But it's definitely working and definitely fun.

We've both made it clear that an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship is not something either of us want right now.

But, we have talked about sex. He told me that he is asexual (although not aromatic) and that he doesn't feel sexual desire for anyone- ever. I told him that I am not on the asexual spectrum. However, he told me that he has had sex in many of his relationships (casual and otherwise). This was solely for the benefit of his partner. He said that he would be willing ("more than willing" were his words) to have sex with me if that's something I wanted. It is, I have to be honest. I am extremely attracted to this guy. However, I am not so comfortable with him not feeling that same enthusiasm.

So I guess my questions would be:

Would it be wrong to start having sex with this guy, (whom we can call J)?
Would it be blurring the lines of consent because there wouldn't be any real enthusiasm there, since he doesn't find me sexually attractive or feel desire?
Should I just get over it because he IS into me as a person, and he wants to do this for and with me?
Is it weird that I'M the one second-guessing/freaking out over it?
I know that asexual people have sex with their non-asexual partners, but it just feels weird to me.
What do you think? Am I overreacting/overanalyzing/overeverything-ing?

Thanks for your help and all around awesomeness!

-G

I'm not ace so I can't speak to that, but I can speak to consent! And this is actually a problem I have with the "consent means enthusiastic consent" thing; I can totally see where it's coming from, in terms of challenging the idea that a reluctant "yes" is consent (It's not! Not at all!). But actually, there are a bunch of reasons why a person might decide to have sex without being horny; to experience the emotional intimacy of sex, to conceive, and, yes, because sex will make their partner happy and they want their partner to be happy. And really it's down to that person to make those decisions for themselves: decisions about what circumstances and reasons are, and aren't, good enough reasons to decide to have sex. It's not unethical to have sex with someone who consents freely and willingly but without enthusiasm.

That said, if having sex with someone who isn't enthusiastically into it makes you uncomfortable, that's a perfectly valid way to feel, and it's also a perfectly valid reason to hold off or change your sexual plans with this guy.

I don't think it's weird that you're thinking about this, I think it's always a good thing to be thinking about your partner's wellbeing when you're considering having sex with them.