Shame around sexuality

[CopingWeird]

Okay.., for some context, we are an OSDD 1b system, and I (We can’t use real names so call me SceneKid) am one of the trauma holders

I often engage in sexual content to cope with this.. but
1. I do not find it hot most of the time, and I rarely if ever masturbate to it. It feels more like a numbing activity
2. I feel incredibly gross afterwards for engaging with sexual stuff, especially if I masturbate to it. I often call myself awful derogatory terms for sexually active women afterwards and feel guilt as if I relapsed

Is there any way I can start enjoying consuming sexual content again, and get this guilt to stop?
Thank you for reading this and especially if you help :3

~SceneKid

[mikky]

hi scenekid, welcome to the boards.

I am assuming that sexual content is probably explicit sexual media- if that is wrong, let me know.

Props to you for identifying what this is bringing to you: numbing, coping, and also quite a bit of shame, guilt, and negativity. I think putting together a toolkit of other, more positive and functional coping skills, is going to be important. If you don't have access to quality mental healthcare right now, a lot of mental health coping skills (like DBT skills) are widely accessible to read about online. It might be helpful to approach that as take what you need, leave what you don't, if you don't have someone else to guide or consult through those. Because right now, it seems like your engagement with sexual media is a cycle of self punishment, and we don't just want to replace one bad cycle with another, right?

Just to put this out there- there is nothing wrong with masturbating. It is truly, very, completely okay and normal. Having sexual desires or fantasies is normal and neutral. But it doesn't seem like you are coming to consuming sexual media right now in a way that will help you explore curiosities, nurture exploration and body trust, or make you feel very safe. I believe that getting you back to a space where you can enjoy sexual content will mean needing to do some work around shame, working on some other coping skills, and a lot of kindness for the whole process.

What support do you have right now? What helps you all feel most positive, safe, or cared for?