Scarleteen

Hi! I was wondering if you have any advice for me. I mainly go by my name given at birth and it is increasingly bothering/nagging me. In very few spaces, I go by my preferred name b/c I still feel shy and scared about telling more people. Hearing and using my given name is increasingly bothering me and it kind of feels like a lot of paper cuts added up. The thing is it's never going to be fully comfortable to share people my preferred name and I keep sitting on the decision rather than acting on it. I kind of feel like I'm in a double bind.

hey there!

While it can be so tough to ask for something we want/need that feels vulnerable, the ask of using a different name is one that people can meet pretty easily. We use all kinds of different names for people all the time. I think about "easy asks": things we can ask of others that can increase a sense of bonding, community, trust, that aren't a big stretch to reach. Like asking someone to grab a cup of water for you while they are on their way to the sink. For me at least, it exercises the uncomfortability of asking for something, and when someone else hands me an easy ask, I am so delighted to deliver. I think a name could be one of those things.

Something that my partner did for a while to reduce those compound "paper cuts" of hearing their given name, but before they were ready for both picking a new name and the vulnerability of sharing it, was go by a sort of in-between nickname/neutral version of their given name. Names can be so wonderful, affirming, awesome.... they can also be bland/functional/whatever. We can try them out and see how we like them and let go of them when they don't serve us.

What makes you most uncomfortable about asking other people to use a name you want to go by?

Thank you for the response! I'm most uncomfortable about asking others to use a different name b/c I don't want to deal with the awkwardness of correcting them. There's definitely this transitionary phase where people are adjusting and I feel too awkward to self advocate. I know I need to do something about this b/c it's to the point of I'm just avoiding emails b/c I don't want to see my given name. I don't know what would be a right sized step to take moving forward?

Hi there!

What a great question. I like your idea of approaching this with one right sized step. The concern about correcting people is valid but for all we know you won't need to correct them as much as you are worried about! We can't know until we have gotten to that step. It sounds like you have yet to try introducing a new name to your community. Do you have concerns about the initial introduction of a new name? Or is the main challenge you anticipate being remembering the switch?

In the case of one right sized step, I wonder if you could tell a close friend or two about this change. If they need a few reminders, it might feel easier to approach and practice correcting them alone rather than reminding multiple people a day. Another option could be signing your name in your emails with the preferred name or new nickname and the older name in parentheses or vice versa. (To eliminate the anxiety about doing this every time, you could set up a signature line that automatically inserts in every email).

Do those sound like supportive steps toward a change?

I appreciate your thoughts especially when it feels like my thoughts and emotions are swirling a lot in my head. It feels like an overwhelming change, especially the part about the initial introduction. I think I’m afraid of the vulnerability and self advocacy. Somewhere inside of me, I’m fearful about being attractive and likable to people as I become more authentic.

I’m thinking of sharing this with one of my close friends who is long distance.

I think part of my fear is trusting people that they have my back and hold space to affirm me.

Hi Berkley!
I’m really glad we can be here for you to give you space to share your thoughts and talk through them with us<3

Starting with one close friend sounds like a good idea! Maybe the long distance aspect might be helpful to as it eliminates some of the worry of having to manage their response?
Something I have heard from some people around me, who had changed their name, was that they were surprised how little they had to correct people and even directly introduce the change in the first place. When it was in groups where first one or a few people started using their preferred name, the others have automatically caught on soon.

I hear you worry about people not standing up for you. I wish I could tell you that everyone will and hopefully it is like that, but if not, you at least get some useful information about people around you. Do you think that sharing this fear with people you tell about the new name might be helpful?

Do you also want to tell us more about your fear of being attractive as you become more authentic?

hi! Sorry for replying late to this message. I haven't told that friend of mine, but I'm planning to honestly share it with them over text. This is still playing out in real time. I'm just honestly scared and maybe I just need to learn that there will be some discomfort with this personal growth.

I honestly have been reflecting on it, but yes I do worry about being romantically attractive as I become more authentic. I honestly feel embarrassed that I'm attracted to men and masc people, as a transmasc person. I feel like that just lowers my chances of being in a romantic relationship ever.

I just had this thought today, but I feel disconnected from myself and maybe deliberately ignorant to how I'm perceived. A peer sent me a resource for transmasc folks. And I just felt embarrassed that that's how I'm perceived? Maybe this is internalized transphobia? It's so obvious in that's how I present (as a transmasc person to society) and I don't know if I'm playing dumb as a part to ignore my transness. I just felt ugly in that moment.

hey berkeley2003!

Please don’t feel any need to apologize- we’re here to take things at a user’s pace, so if that means a few weeks/months/years between replies, no problem. Feel free to drift in and out as it feels right to you.

I think there is always some discomfort with growth! It is different and vulnerable and new, and it can feel pretty difficult to be in that space. And certainly, most of us have been taught to regard that rawness with embarrassment and shame.

I have a feeling that the kind of romantic relationship you probably want is one built on authenticity and unconditional love. I don’t think that being authentic to yourself lowers your chances of a good romantic relationship, rather, the discomfort and care to be authentic to yourself (which are acts of self love) might help guide you toward people who can also show that toward you. Does that make sense? That isn’t to say that it’s easier to find romantic connections as a trans person, and there is certainly toxic currents of transphobia in many dating scenes. But many transmasc people are loved and adored, by people of many genders. Lots of my friends are in beautiful T4T and masc4masc romantic relationships. One of my friends has incredibly positive gay hookups and dates, as a transmasc person, not infrequently, while living in a very rural area.

More importantly, it seems like right now, you’re feeling some internalized connection between unattractiveness/undesirability/ugliness and being transmasc. Can we talk more about that?

Thanks I appreciate the support through Scarleteen a lot! I’ve honestly been feeling pretty emotionally activated and scrambled. I’m graduating school in a few weeks and moving out of my current apartment soon. A lot of big changes.

I’m speaking to my friend tonight, I hope I can have the courage to bring it up.

I feel honestly a strike of absolute fear and panic when thinking about being more authentic. And stepping into what I want. I worry a lot about being attractive. Yes I definitely feel a tie between unattractiveness and being transmasc. I think it’s in part related to I’m dealing with a big crush on a person. He’s in a long term, straight relationship so it would definitely never happen. I feel like I’m mentally thinking and making consideration in accordance to what I think he would perceive as attractive. Why am I making judgement and decisions based off someone I’m crushing on or the male gaze? Especially when there’s absolutely no way he’s attracted to me.

Congratulations on your upcoming graduation! That is huge and exciting and also, SO many big life shifts to be experiencing right now.

I appreciate you talking about and recognizing these feelings. And I don’t think you’re alone in this experience of having a crush that starts to influence our own self-determination and worth. Not to mention that the “male gaze” and patriarchy in general are extremely insidious as they start to seep into our own brains and how we think and act. It doesn’t sound like a super positive or healthy crush– how long have you been feeling this? Do the upcoming changes of graduation/moving apartments bring you any further apart?

I was just thinking about this video series I’ve been watching on social media that are very sweet and show trans love stories: https://www.youtube.com/@inthemidstofseries / https://www.instagram.com/inthemidstofseries/ . I hope they bring you a little joy!

Aww thank you for kind words and sharing the IG series! Yeah I think I’m pretty overwhelmed with so many things happening in my life.

I think in my ideal scenario, I would be able to go without contact from this person. I guess it’s a little tricky bc we’re friends. I try to lead with letting him initiate any kind of social interactions. Our communication is pretty irregular since he has a busy life. Yeah this is not a healthy crush/obsession. It has been going for a while and I think stems from some insecurities and likely emotionally loneliness and longing for connection/but also afraid of going towards connection.

What do you mean when you say it stems from some insecurities - can you be more specific (if you're comfortable)? I also wonder if there's ways you can meet other folks to practice talking to people, but ideally folks who are single, so you don't run into this issue. At your age, you could do something like a speed dating event. That can be a really good way to practice chatting with new people and getting to know them but without too much pressure since you get to decide if you ever want to talk to them again or not. Also could be a good way to practice introducing yourself using your name. Could that be something you try?

Do you have any resources on dating for the first time? I’ve admittedly never seriously pursued dating b/c of fear, self consciousness and insecurities. I think the insecurities are related to being in my late twenties and having never pursued dating out of fear. I think in my head I’m like “who would want to date me when I’m awkward on first approach?” I also have a longstanding struggle with feeling attractive enough to people that’s complicated by being a trans person

We sure do! And, I want to assure you that you are not alone in your awkwardness or lack of experience. Finding a person is incorrectly portrayed as though you should be finding The Perfect Person. That's not how it works. What's most important is how you make the other person feel which often has less to do with how you look and more to do with how you two vibe. It's kind of unpredictable so you just gotta go for it unfortunately.

• Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little Experience

• It’s All Right: There Is No One Right Time to Start Dating

• How To Actually Date Yourself

• Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer