Warning readers: There is graphic, possibly disturbing content below. A recent event has me confused as to how to handle it. The event led to me ending my relationship with my boyfriend as I felt taken for granted. Friends and family however, are really upset when I tell them about the event and say that it was date rape. All the research online talks about alcohol, drugs, or force being involved which wasn't the case here. However, their persistence makes me wonder if I'm denying reality or if they are overreacting because they care about me. Here is what happened:
He and I slept together for the first time recently - consensual. The next morning my alarm woke us and I blearily rolled over and turned it off before falling back asleep. I am a heavy sleeper so had no trouble doing so. Next thing I know, he has his knees on either side of my head with his dick at my mouth and his hands on my head. Still mostly asleep I opened my mouth as natural reaction which I guess he took for invitation as he pushed in. The angle and having him control the depth made it more like choking. Still half asleep, I turned my head and mumbled 'chokes'. He rolled over and moved me and my head down until he could control me to go down on him. It didn't take much longer at all for me to fully wake up at which point I sat up and stopped. I was really angry to realize he'd done that but due to my fear of confrontation merely said 'jaw hurts' when he asked why I stopped. (My mistake for not letting me know how upset I was.) He stopped and I didn't think about it again until after he left for the day.
Everyone keeps asking if I feel violated and saying that that was date rape. While I felt taken for granted, he stopped when I finally woke up enough to say stop. His actions were terrible and (along with other stuff) showed his selfish, controlling personality. I broke up with him soon after this event but never told him what was the final straw that led me to not give him another chance. Anyways, my question is: Am I in denial over the reality of what happened? Was that date rape? Or are my friends and family overreacting and perceiving it to be worse than it was?
If it was date rape, I seriously don't think he'd have meant for it to be rape. Do I need to discuss it with him so he can understand the ramifications or would I need to report it even though it's been days since? I would personally rather never have to talk to him again and have asked him to not have any further contact with me.
If everyone is overreacting, how do I let them know that I appreciate their concern but do not like them trying to make me a victim?
Any advice or clarity would be greatly appreciated. Thank you ~ Ariel28
But it sounds like, on some level you already knew that this was not okay, and that is why you ended the relationship. However, that does not mean that you are in denial just because you do not feel violated, or like something major was done to you. Everyone reacts to sexual assault differently. Knowing that that was what it was does not mean that you now automatically have to feel a specific way about it. You get to feel how you feel. And if you think that it was a crappy, inconsiderate thing of your ex to do, but are otherwise ready to move on, then that is how you feel and it is perfectly fine. 