Scarleteen

hi. i’ve recently broke up with my gf, and i went to talk with my therapist. so, i stumbled across the thought that one of many things that were holding me back from breaking up, or why do i want to get back with her so much, even though deep down inside it feels right is because i felt submissive next to her.
i’ve always knew that i’m craving that, but experiencing it with the person i love felt really good. even though sometimes it didn’t feel natural and more like i was submitting myself to her. it’s still good.

i loved feeling vulnerable, relaxed, i could be myself fully and i could be submissive, for me it was about letting some of my thoughts go, expressing affection freely, being cared for ( like shes asking if i feel okay when we’re in a new company ) and of course it was also about some sexual things ( like we could lie in bed and she would have her fingers in my mouth )
i crave this and i need this, and i’m ready to roll over in a lot of things, accept everything that even might hold me back. and this is bad and i feel like i dont need to do it.

but how can i be submissive when i’m single? i’m turning 18 only in June so i obviously can’t find a dominant for myself, but even if i was we don’t have any affordable meeting at my town. hell it’s practically illegal. so i need to find another way. is there any tips on this?

Hi there, PomPom! It sounds like you're making great progress processing your breakup, which is wonderful. It can be so helpful to realize what drew us to a particular person even when other things in the relationship weren't good for us.

What I'm hearing from you is that there were aspects of the dynamic between you and your ex that you really liked, both in terms of your nonsexual relationship and your sexual relationship. That's great information to have about yourself and your desires! When you're in a place where you're ready to look for another relationship, you'll have more knowledge about what kinds of things you like and what you don't like, because you've had this experience.

But I think that this self knowledge can also be useful even without a partner. The period after a breakup is a great time to explore your sexuality (and yourself in general!) by yourself. It can be really healing to focus just on yourself and what you are drawn to and to "take care of" yourself in a way. Oftentimes by the end of a relationship, we are spending a lot of our effort trying to please or accommodate our partner, so I think it's good to turn that attention towards ourselves while we're healing.

As for what that could mean for your desire to be submissive, I can think of a lot of ideas! Fantasy and masturbation can be a way to explore your submissive desires, or you could look for examples of relationships in books, tv, or movies that are compelling to you in that way. You could journal about what aspects of submissiveness are appealing to you. You could see if you can find things that make you feel vulnerable and relaxed that you could do by yourself — that could be exploring what sorts of environments and sensations and mindsets make you feel that way or even trying to "take care of" or pamper yourself. I actually do that sometimes, especially if I'm feeling down, I try to imagine that part of me is vulnerable and needs to be taken care of and I "talk" to that part and take care of her, maybe by telling myself to go make a healthy snack and some tea and then making myself a cozy spot on the couch with pillows and blankets to sit in.

Do any of those ideas sound appealing to you?