Question about celibacy/abstenience

[Seraph]

I've said on here before that a vast majority of my sexual education has come from my states abstenience only sexual education laws, anything else has pretty much only come from this forum.
For the longest time I have believed that the best way to live my personal life would to be to remain celibate until marriage. Of course, I firmly believe that everybody has the right to dictate their own sex lives and if they don't remain celibate that its not my problem and its not an issue at all, same thing if somebody else wants to remain celibate.
My main reason for wanting to live like this comes from a fear of unwanted pregnancy, transmission of STDs/STIs, or any relationship issues that having sex may cause. However, I have heard that there are some downsides to not having sex before marriage (especially with the person you plan to marry) such as possibly being "uncompatible" when it comes to sex. Personally, I've always thought the idea of wanting to break off a relationship because of a lack of sex or sexual compatability to be an absurd idea to me (though I also believe that if it is a dealbreaker for somebody else then they have the right to breakoff a relationship. I firmly believe that everybody has the right to end a relationship for any reason afterall). Is it true that a lack of sex or sexual compatability can cause issues in a relationship? and what would a lack of sexual compatability even look like?

[Latha]

Hi there, Seraph,

It is true that a lack of sexual compatibility can cause issues in a relationship, but it also isn't like you need to have the same exact preferences as your partner in order for a relationship to work--especially if you've known someone long enough, there will come a point where you need different things in some way or another. You've noted that things that would not be a deal breaker for you could be so for someone else though no fault of theirs, and I agree. Compatibility is very individual--what causes problems for one couple might not for another.

This isn't a comprehensive list, but off the top of my head a lack of sexual compatibility can happen in different ways: sometimes one partner might want to have sex more or less often than another, and sometimes one person might want to explore certain sexual dynamics or activities while the other does not. Life or identity changes mean people who once were compatible are not anymore--for example, this can happen in some cases when a partner transitions, or where someone realizes/learns new information about their sexuality.

People who may seem incompatible can still be very happy with each other. As an example, there are allosexual people in relationships with asexual people. Sometimes this can involve an asexual person being favorable to sex as an activity even if it isn't something they actively want themselves. Other times, couples like this don't have sex often or at all--the allosexual person may feel that while they may desire sex generally, they don't feel the need for partnered sex in their relationship.

Does that help with your question?

[Heather]

Hey there, Seraph.

I just want to poke my nose in here and add a few things for you around this.

1) I think a lot of this also depends on what you mean when you say "sex." If people intend for their marriage to be a sexual relationship, not doing anything sexual at all before marriage doesn't feel like a very wise choice to me. Marriage is very, very easy to get into, and often very, very emotionally and logistically difficult, and often incredibly expensive, to get out of. Not even seeing how it feels when you touch one another, kiss, or when your bodies are close together, or seeing how you feel, say, naked around each other feels like a lot of chances to be taking when it comes to making a huge commitment to be in a kind of relationship where you don't even know if that might be a way you two like being together. On the other hand, doing something like just saving *some* kinds of sex feels a lot less risky to me, because chances are good that if the kinds of things I've listed up there all feel good and right and like a kind of vibe you like together, you and that other person will probably do fine with other kinds of sex so long as those are kinds you both actually want, and you both are generally good sexual partners when it comes to things like responding and adjusting to each other.

2) Relatedly, developing a lot of sexual communication with some kinds of touch or sex ahead of time also will often go a very long way in terms of getting a good idea of it you two will be able to have a good sexual relationship or not. We can develop that communication over time with someone without intercourse or even any kind of genital sex and that will tell us a lot about how someone might be as a partner, and how we are likely to be together.

3) I do want to say that I think it might be easy to figure not being good together sexually isn't a big deal if you haven't yet had a sexual partner/sex life to know what a bad fit feels like. In reality, a LOT of sexual relationships, marriages included, turn out to make people really unhappy when the sexual fit isn't good, whether that's about people who just want very different things, about one or both partners just being bad partners to each other (things like being sexually self-centered, like not being a good sexual communicator or being willing to learn, not being honest about what you do or don't want, being sexually abusive in some way, or having beliefs about sex that make sex a bad experience for a partner, like the idea that men must and should dominate their women partners regardless of if that's a dynamic that that partner wants or enjoys). In a lot of ways, sexual incompatibility often boils down to someone or both people just being poor sexual partners, and in a lot of ways, people who are poor sexual partners are also often not great partners on the whole.

For people for whom sex is something at all important to them, and where how they connect sexually with a partner is important, not being a good fit together is often pretty devastating, and can lead to a life with each other that feels disconnected, lonely and unsatisfying, so the idea that leaving relationships that feel sexually desolate, disconnected or bad is absurd might be something you want to reconsider, even for yourself. As someone in my 50s who has not only been in the business of sex education a long time, but has been a support for many friends through marriages where the sexual aspect of those relationships was bad, unsatisfying or nonexistent, I can tell you that it is a big source of suffering for many people. <3

[Seraph]

Sorry that I didnt get back to you sooner I kept forgetting to write my response

Thanks for these answers! They helped me wrap my head around these questions. As I stated earlier I do not believe that there is anything wrong with staying celibate and everybody has the right to not want to have sex (or to not be celibate either). That being said are there any reasons to stay celibate outside of just a personal lifestyle choice? Like are the odds of not getting somebody pregnant or avoiding and std that much higher than having casual sex?

Another semi related question that I have how often do couples actually have sex? I know its can vary a lot but I always thought it was something done every few months, I 2-4 times a year. Apologize if this is asking too much but it has been something that ive been wondering

[Heather]

Morning, Seraph. You never need to apologize for that, participation in our direct services is on the users' timetable, not ours!

I can't really speak to reasons for celibacy in depth, mostly because they are about as vast as reasons people choose to be sexual, as well as because this is one of the rare things in all the work I do that is both very far outside my own life experience as well as something I simply haven't spent much time studying.

For some people celibacy is based in religious or spiritual beliefs, for others it's about other things they want to prioritize in life besides sex or sexual relationships, for others still it's about ways they do and don't want relationships to go, for others still it's about a centering or focusing of self...the list goes on. You really have to ask a given person engaging in celibacy what that looks like for them and what their motivations are.

How often couples are sexual together has a lot to do with what kind of couple you're talking about and their unique conditions and wants (Like, are they in person or long-distance? Are they their only partners or do one or both of them have more than one sexual partner? Are they both allosexual or is anyone on the asexuality spectrum? Does anyone have disabilities or other issues that limit how often they can be physical? How old are they?), but for people in a sexual relationship who live together only 2-4 times a year would be very, very infrequent for most people. A range of around one or two times a week to a few times a month -- age is a big factor in that difference -- for cohabitating people is what studies and anecdote generally find.