my crush likes me back hehehe

[Asking Queries]

First, the usual, formal Asking Queries writing style:
A few days ago, maybe 25 percent hopeful, I asked one of my best friends if I could flirt with him. (I’m a super consent-focused person who asks that sort of stuff directly.) To the great and happy surprise of the 75 percent of me which said that he’d say no and then we’d go back to our normal friendship, he agreed.
After a bit of discussion, it became clear that he was ‘ok’ with the flirting possibly leading to dating (and yes dear reader, I need to clarify what he means by that).
I’m going to be making at least one more post about this, because I have so many questions and worries (not about him, though!), but this is just a silly and happy one.

And now, Asking Queries gets excited:

OMG OMG he’s so cool and kind and sweet and strong and handsome/pretty!! And I might get to date him! I wonder how many times two people can kiss in one hour. I did not expect this!! I have no idea what I’m doing and I kinda love that. When can we have our first date?!? AHHHH I’m so excited!!!

Feeling a lot, wanting more (heh, pun),
AQ

[Sofi]

Hi Asking Queries,

That's so awesome! I'm glad it worked out in this unexpected but good way. If you don't mind, it'd be helpful instead of making a new post, to just use this same post to ask your questions, so it can be all in one thread. <3

[Asking Queries]

Content/trigger warning for brief discussion of sexual trauma and triggers related to men and boys, without details of what happened. Around 1000 words long.

General context
As explained in my previous post: one of my best friends, a trans guy, quite unexpectedly seems interested in me flirting with him, and with that flirting possibly leading to dating. I’ve known him for around 3 years, and have been friends with him for most of that time. I’ve had a moderately intense crush on him for most of the time I’ve known him. Our friendship is very close, and I feel that I know him really well. He’s kind, caring, funny, handsome, smart, incredibly fit, and an excellent friend. (No wonder I have a crush on him!). This post lays out my most significant thoughts and concerns related to dating him. For privacy, I am going to refer to him by the letter A (for “awesome”).

I’m bi and it’s complicated

I’m somewhat aroace and bisexual/pan. I’m attracted to cis and trans girls, nonbinary people, and guys, but so far, only trans guys.
When I imagine myself married or in a life partner relationship, it’s always with a girl or nonbinary person, but I can (and do) imagine dating or being girlfriend-boyfriend with a guy. While it doesn’t seem realistic that this relationship would turn into a marriage or life partner relationship, I’m still worried that this difference might hurt his feelings.

Too, my crushes on girls and nonbinary people are more intense than the ones I get on guys, and they feel different (but not better, just different). I can imagine this being gender euphoric (or at least affirming) for him, but also upsetting if it feels like I’m not as attracted to him as I would be if he was a girl or nonbinary. However, I’ve never dated a guy (or, for that matter, an actually sapphic person…), so I have no idea if the difference would apply in dating.

Our friendship is very important to me

A is one of my two best friends, and losing that friendship, or seriously hurting his feelings, would be devastating to me. I love him and love being friends with him. If I had a choice between dating him for 5 years or being his friend for 10, I would absolutely choose being his friend.
Our friendship feels more important than dating, but I’m not sure how much more important (at least quite a bit). I’m scared of hurting or losing the friendship, but I’m also excited to do things that I’ve never done before (kissing is particularly intriguing) and deepen our relationship, and I’m not sure how to balance those feelings.

Possible issues from fears, traumas, and triggers around men and boys

I have a lot of trauma from men and boys, ranging from incredibly intense and awful things I’ve witnessed, to getting sexually harassed, to hearing seemingly endless stories from femme people in my life. I feel very respected and safe in my relationship with A, but just a tiny bit less safe than I would feel if he was a girl or nonbinary. One of my main PTSD triggers is certain voice pitches and features, and I’m worried that A’s voice might become triggering if he starts testosterone—I would absolutely support him if he decided to, but it is a worry of mine.
It also seems likely that I would be triggered in some way if we were to do anything even slightly sexual, but I don’t know if he’s interested in that, and I’m not sure whether I am.
As a side note, this trauma is probably part of why I’m not attracted to cis guys—at least in my current level of PTSD vigilance, I never feel quite safe enough with them for those feelings to start.

I don’t know how long we’ll be living in the same area

I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be living in the same area as A, and for reasons unrelated to him, I’m hoping it won’t be more than a year or so. I’m looking forward to moving, but I’m worried that A and I’s our in-person relationship being time-limited will make it harder to enjoy it or express what we’re feeling (good and bad).

I don’t feel super excited about dating A

I quite like the idea of dating him, and I especially like the idea of kissing and cuddling with him, but I don’t feel super excited. (I’ve felt really big feelings about crushes previously, including about him.) I feel worried that this won’t change even when we start dating (if we do), and that he’ll think I shouldn’t asked to flirt or date if I wasn’t going to be really excited about it. (I’m partly worried that he’ll think that but not say anything.) I think it’s likely that I’ll start to feel a lot of excitement and good feelings when we go on our first date, but I don’t know if I will.

Final thoughts

I think I have a usual way of thinking about dating and romance. The platonic friendship I have with A is already very intimate, and so when I think of him and I dating, I mostly imagine it consisting of what we already do—talk, support each other, be silly together, etc—with dates and (usually) romantic physical intimacy like kissing added in. That is to say, I don’t see the emotional part of our relationship really changing, but the physical part would.

I hope folks have thoughts on these things: on ways to think about them and bring them up to him. Everything I’ve talked about here, I’ve told him about (except for the excitement part), but not necessarily in detail or recently.

Thanks,
- Asking Queries

Footnote 1: I group nonbinary people and girls together in this post because my attractions to these groups feels similar, not because I think of them as the same.
Footnote 2: I’ve simplified my and his identity for privacy and ease of understanding. If he’s reading this, 1, apologies for that, and 2, hi.
Footnote 3: Whenever I say “dating” or “girlfriend-boyfriend”, A and I also being friends is inherent to that.

[Heather]

Hi again, AskingQueries. (I always love seeing that Amy Schalet quote at the end of your posts!)

You know, sometimes, someone comes along who disrupts our patterns that preceded them. I also think that particularly when you're a young person, it's important not to put too much stock into patterns because there hasn't been a lot of time for them to really even be patterns, if you get me.

I feel like your first post in this thread might actually tell us more than this last response, not because the last one isn't clear and thoughtful, but because it feels -- and by all means, correct me if this feels off-base to you -- like that initial post is more you being in your feelings and this one is more you being in your head. I hear you about some of your concerns, but I also feel like how this person seems to make you feel, and the relationship you have had with them so far, doesn't really match those concerns, if you know what I mean. This person seems very, very unlikely to do you harm, and it's hard for me to imagine things like a possible change in vocal register on their part having the same kind of effect on you a similar voice, but in someone you didn't have such a wonderful history with and such warm and happy feelings about, might have, you know?

I am a little confused about you saying you don't feel super excited here, because, to, me, in that first post, that is how I'd describe you feeling. Did something change between that first post and the second? Or am I misreading the first?

I think I have a usual way of thinking about dating and romance. The platonic friendship I have with A is already very intimate, and so when I think of him and I dating, I mostly imagine it consisting of what we already do—talk, support each other, be silly together, etc—with dates and (usually) romantic physical intimacy like kissing added in. That is to say, I don’t see the emotional part of our relationship really changing, but the physical part would.

Tthis seems spot-on to me: this often is how it goes when an already intimate, established friendship turns romantic and/or sexual. You've already built the base of the relationship, after all, because friendship is usually what's at the core of every good relationship, and now you're thinking about building branches. Now, it may also be that if you both pursue this, there are other changes one or both of you might want, other aspects of this new kind of relationship you're potentially going to be building as a second floor, like deciding if this is something that is or isn't going to be exclusive, but I actually wish more people thought about dating and romance the way you are, because it makes a lot more sense, and is much more likely to result in a good relationship, than treating dating/romance like this entirely different creature.