I’m confused about my sexuality

[kellynguyen2001]

I’m not sure if it’s a dumb question or not but,I have a 3 years relationship with trans partner. He doesn’t do surgery yet. I have been identifying myself as bisexual, but lately I’m like what if I’m straight? I used to date a masc lesbian, she only gave me oral sex, and she didn’t want me to pleasure her so I didn’t think much. The first time I had sex with my current partner, I was uncomfortable as it was my first time I saw intimate parts. I didn’t have experience to do oral sex. But I was pleased to receive oral or fingering outside. And I still want to pleasure him. My partner looks like a man aesthetically. I feel attracted to his face or when he wears clothes that show his masculine side. I don’t have sexual desire unless he touches me or we have physical touch. I think it’s called responsive desire (?) Our sex drive mismatch, I have really low drive and he has high drive. For my part, I have anxiety and insecure when having sex. Sometimes I perform, sometimes I reach organism. I may have expectation, like you know those things in movies. But now I’m questioning what is connection. I can feel pleasure, but what does connection feel like. I have never had sex with men before but I do think about it. And I hate myself for thinking like that. I don’t want to dump this relationship because of sex but in terms of sexuality, is it possible that I’m straight or I’m just not satisfied with sex thing??!! I don’t like intercourse with toy, it feels weird inside.

[KierC]

Hey there Kelly, and welcome to the boards! I’m glad you’ve found us here. <3

This isn’t a dumb question at all! You’re bringing up a lot of big ideas and I’d be happy to talk with you about them.

I’m hearing you say that there are a few things that attract you to your partner, but the sexual element is making you wonder about your sexual orientation. The first and biggest thing I want to address first is that the term sexual orientation is used to describe how a person is attracted to other people with regard to the other person’s expressed gender. Notice that this isn’t just about sexual attraction (this includes romantic and affectionate attraction as well), or about what genitals someone has. In other words, you don’t have to be sexually attracted to vulvas to identify as bisexual. Know what I mean?

Sexual orientation is also about which terms, if any, feel right to you when you think about and describe your attraction to others. It’s really up to you to describe, so if you feel like the term bisexual feels right to you, you can use it! Same with identifying as straight. If it feels right and makes sense to you, that’s really all that matters here. There aren’t rules for how people have to show up and act in the world based on their sexual orientation, so nobody but you can say what your sexual orientation is.

With all that being said, I want to ask: how do you feel about identifying as bisexual? Regardless of the expectations or views of others, does identifying as bisexual make sense to you?

I also wanted to bring your attention to a term that might bring you some comfort: Q Is For Questioning. The article I hyperlinked describes it a bit more, but it’s an orientation term for people who are questioning their sexuality. How does that term feel to you?

Lastly, I hear you that you’re having anxiety and insecurities during sex, and I’m so sorry to hear that this is happening for you. Do you want to talk a little more about how this shows up during sex for you?

[kellynguyen2001]

Hmmm that’s interesting. I think “bisexual” term feels comfortable for me. I used to have a crush on girls that has more masculine vibe. I’m just pretty confused how I’m attracted to my partner appearance, but I don’t have an urge to have sex. It makes me wonder is it because I’m not attracted to his female body, like feeling turned on or I’m just not into sex in general. It’s like I only feel turn on when he touches me.

[Sofi]

That's actually very common and totally normal. As you said, it's often referred to as responsive desire, but it might also help to think of it as some folks talk about it colloquially: oven vs microwave. This is an oversimplification, of course, but you get the point - some people are more like a microwave in that it doesn't take long to heat up (get turned on), and some are more like an oven. It's not really going to change based on who your partner is, unless you're having other deeper issues with your partner that are getting in the way of your sexual desire towards them, but that doesn't sound like the case here. It might be you just don't get turned on until there's touch happening, which again, super common. It's also good to incorporate a transition activity if this is the case for you: something to take your mind from whatever was going on into a more relaxed, sensual/sexual headspace. This can be something you do with your partner, like a massage, or something you do alone, like a hot bath/shower.

That aside, though, I still hear you questioning the gender attraction here. Being attracted to more masculine presenting women is not indicative of you being straight or anything else really, besides just that being your preference. Regarding not enjoying toys, have you tried different types? Some people prefer toys that are silicone and/or smooth, vs a harder material or something with ridges/grooves, for example, since that can cause some folks to feel a weird sensation when inside. It doesn't sound like toys are the issue here, though. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel anxious and insecure during sex?

I'm also wondering where this thought that you need to perform or reach orgasm comes from. Is this something you've picked up on from hearing people say that, or sexual media, or where? Truly, you shouldn't need to "perform" with your partner, you should just be able to enjoy the experience. Orgasm is also not a requirement and it's okay and normal to have sex you enjoy and get pleasure from but don't reach orgasm. That's not necessarily an indication of much, and it's certainly not the grand finale of sex. Does he ask/talk to you about this, or is it just something you've had on your mind?