Is this considered abuse?

[BasedWorth]

I'm really feeling ashamed & guilty remembering an event which happened years ago. I'm 20 female. I got my period back when i was 11 but i was not sexually active in any way untill i was 15. The area i live in, here we don't really have any kind of sexual education, it's a taboo here. We don't talk about these stuffs. So as usual culturally i had no sexual education when i started my puberty years. When i became 15,suddenly i got interested or kind of curious about bodies & sexuality. As i had no good source of sexual education i properly didn't know about the concepts like sexuality & consent. I kinda self discovered everything on my own.



I have a younger sister who's 5 years younger than me.
So this incident which happened back in 2020 when i was 15 & my sister was 10. I'm very very close with my sister (in a very platonic way obviously ). We were always very goofy, friendly & cuddly with each other. So one day when we were being goofy with each other she accidentally touched on my chest & she laughed saying haha your boob. I felt something & i got curious & asked her to touch again, she did & later said let's not do it anymore. But i insisted her to touch again & she did again & that was it.




Some another incident was she touched my neck casually & i felt something strong i never did before so i did ask her to touch again & she did.



All of her touches were accidental or unintentional or not in a sexual nature in any way. But i purposely asked her to touch again solely because of one reason : Curiosity & Exploration. I was curious & kinda fascinated about why was my body reacting in such a way suddenly. Not like i was absolutely naive about Sex. I knew about sex & intercourse & stuffs like that during that time. But i was not myself sexually active ever before. Suddenly my body was reacting in strange way to touch & i got curious about that. I really didn't want to harm or use her in any way. Also during that time i never ever had masturbated before. So that was a new discovery to me.



So without those 2 incidents no sexual contact ever happened between us. I did not feel any guilt or remorse after the incidents & kind of forgot about those. She as per my experience didn't feel any distress when the incidents occured & continued to trust me & snuggle, cuddle & being goofy with me like forever.




But 1/2 years after those incidents i randomly remembered those & felt ashamed, kinda guilty & thought to myself "that was silly asf & i shouldn't have asked her to do that, that was wrong". I chose to forget it thinking it was silly & wrong.





I had forgotten about it all but recently i was reading about sexual abuse of kids who can't consent on internet & suddenly remembered about those incidents again.... & i was like waittttt, my sister was only 10 & didn't know any bit of information about sex nor sexuality, she couldn't consent!!!!! But i was 15 much older than her & knew a bit of stuffs about sex. Though i wasn't actually properly aware about sexuality & consent myself. I was just starting to dive into sexual world & discover my sexuality & really had no idea about sexual consent.



But that doesn't really excuse the fact that i kinda did use her innocence or the fact that she couldn't consent, i mean i did know she doesn't understand any of this stuff. So did i actually molest/ sexually abused her unknowingly?? Because to be really honest even i wasn't properly aware of WHAT I WAS ASKING HER TO DO & THAT I NEEDED HER CONSENT. My whole purpose was exploration & curiosity, i didn't really comprehend the full grasp of it. But the fact that this wasn't consensual, she was a kid & this was really inappropriate behavior to ask for someone to do, all of these facts does make it an abuse??




I'm honestly so ashamed & guilty as i realized that this long forgotten event was absolutely wrong & immoral in many sense. I'm unable to look at my sister without feeling guilt, she surely has forgotten everything & doesn't remember anything neither i want to ever discuss this with her. The purpose of this post is to know whether i have harmed her or not, is this considered a sexual abuse or not. I do not seek any empathy or reassurance for the shameful deeds I've committed. Whether this is considered abuse or not i fully acknowledge that what i did was wrong & I'm guilty.

[KierC]

Hi BasedWorth, and welcome to the boards. I am really glad you’ve come here to ask about this. <3

First, I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been carrying this weight of stress and guilt with you. I’ll give you the short answer first: From what you’ve described, it does not sound like you sexually abused your sister. When people talk about sexual abuse between children, they refer to instances where there is force or violence occurring, which it sounds like did not happen here. We also know that it is developmentally normal and healthy to be curious about all body parts, and that it’s common for children to explore body parts in a non-sexual way. That sounds more in line with what happened here. Would you agree?

I understand you’re not looking for reassurance or empathy, but I really think you deserve to give yourself some grace here. What happened is not deserving of shame or guilt. How does hearing that make you feel?

[BasedWorth]

No, i really think this is sexual abuse as I've heard sexual abuse specially when kids are involved can happen without violence or any kind of force too. I didn't force her, i asked her. But she couldn't consent due to her age & understanding of the matter. So what i asked her was not consensual. So i think as it was not consensual & i knew what i was doing (even tho i didn't mean to harm or use her) but i did know what i was intending, she did not know. Because of these facts this i think should be considered as sibling sexual abuse. What i intended to do was indeed in a sexual way, for her it was non - sexual but for me it was sexual. Whatever i feel now about the past doesn't change my past deeds.

[Heather]

Given how you feel about this, BasedWorth, my best advice would be that you seek out a therapist to help you work through these feelings. You clearly have a lot of long-standing hard feelings around this, and it sounds like they are causing you considerable distress.

We're educators here who can give support with our information, but we lack the right environment or skills to give you the kind of help with this a qualified therapist could provide. I think that if you could access that kind of help and really dig in with someone you feel good working with for a while (months or more), you can figure out what you need in order to get some resolution with this, whether that's about your relationship with your sister, your relationship with yourself, or both.

Is that something you might be open to?

[BasedWorth]

Thank you for your suggestion. But i wasn't looking for how to relieve my distress, i just wanted to know if i have harmed her or not.

[Heather]

I understand, but it's my job to consider the well-being of everyone who posts here, and it's clear you are and have been dealing with considerable distress.

That said, it sounds like some of what you feel you need is to know if you did her harm. Ultimately, the only person who will be able to speak to that is her. How do you feel about having a conversation with her about this?

[BasedWorth]

She's still very child-like. She's 15 now but still child like. I've never talked to her about these stuffs. As culturally it's a taboo here, we don't talk about these stuffs to anyone actually, i mean to family or friends. That would be very uncomfortable to talk about this. I'm not even aware of her current understanding about sexual matters. So i guess, i won't be able to talk. I think most likely she has forgotten about it because she had no real idea about the past event. If she has forgotten, in that case i don't want to remind her either. So for all these reasons, i can't really talk to her.

[char]

Hi BasedWorth,

Hopping in to say that just because something is taboo, doesn't mean it can't and shouldn't be discussed at all. As someone who is also located in Asia, I understand how challenging it is to talk about abuse, sexuality, and sexual abuse. But sexuality is an inseparable aspect of our lives, even if we choose to not have sex, ever. While you may end up not bringing this up to your sister, I do believe it is important for you to know what this situation means for you and how you want to move forward.

So, I'd like to ask some things: how would believing that you abused your sister (which is not what's going on here, as Sofi, Heather, and myself can attest to) help you understand what happened? How would shame and guilt serve you going forward with your sexuality? (By "sexuality" in this post, I'm referring to a more comprehensive and complex framework, as you can read here: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?) Do you think it'd be helpful to learn more about what you can do in the future to avoid what has happened, be it in solo sex (masturbation) or partnered sex (if you choose to do so)? Rather than dwelling on shame and regret, what do you think of giving yourself grace in the form of something more action-based?

[BasedWorth]

Yeah, i won't be able to talk about this to her. I do realize what I've done is wrong & i will never do something like this again & yeah it would be helpful to learn.

[lilikoi]

Hi BasedWorth,

Hope it's alright to jump in to the conversation here! It sounds like you are saying it would be helpful to learn "more about what you can do in the future to avoid what has happened" like char suggested. Let me know if I am misunderstanding!

Here are a few articles that cover the topic of consent. If talking to your sister is off the table for you, I think it's a great idea to look towards a future of positive interactions.

Navigating Consent
Sexual Consent Basics