Dating

[SilverFalcon92]

There’s 2 topics when it comes to dating I wanna go over. Dating while broke
I wanna ask can you date while you broke and I’ll be honest I don’t have the money to be dating girls out on a bunch of dates so I am in college and trying to pursue in my career and also I don’t have a driver license at the moment so I can’t drive them to the places.
Dating apps
Is dating apps even worth it especially for a guy since it’s really hard for a guy to get matches on them apps and when you do get a match they most likely won’t respond back. I had heard you can get matches as a guy but it’s really hard to because you need to take pictures a certain way apparently. Like I heard of this one guy name Fitxfearless he was saying you need a photo shoot and you have to dress like a classy man and put all those photos on the dating apps and you need to buy the premium subscription and use boost a certain time and than wait 24 hours and that’s how you get a bunch of matches as a guy it’s really expensive especially when it comes to using the boost and buying the subscription. And for me I don’t have money for all of that so I feel like I’m cooked when it comes to them apps especially as a guy.

[KierC]

Hi SilverFalcon! Thank you for your questions.

1. I’m happy to say that it is totally possible to date when you are financially unstable. There are many ways to have fun and get to know someone without spending money! If you’d like ideas of how to do that, I’m happy to suggest some.

I’ll say, too, if someone is only interested in you having money or a car, they don’t sound like the best kind of partner to be with anyway. You’ll want someone who wants to get to know *you*, not your car or your money. Know what I mean?

2. I think this guy fitxfearless has things very backwards. He’s suggesting you change how you appear to make dating app pictures look classier which is deceiving, and also not the way to show a potential partner who you really are as a person. That strikes me as more of a manifestation of toxicity than something genuinely informative.

When it comes to apps, it’s not necessarily a “game” where you try to get a bunch of matches. What’s more important is the quality of those matches and the conversations that come after that.

Can I ask: have you tried the dating apps before? Too, can you tell me a little bit about how dating has gone for you?

[SilverFalcon92]

Hey, thank you for responding to my message and for your first point, when you say you can date while financially unstable, they do agree with being able to date while broke. I think the reason why I tend to feel like I need a lot of money to date is because of social media, specifically TikTok of people saying, if you don’t have money, you shouldn’t be dating, and you shouldn’t be in a relationship, and it’s expensive to date it’s almost like buying love it’s like seeing a relationship like a bill instead of somebody you actually love and like and for me, I want someone who haves unconditional love and not wanting to date me for the money. And yes, I get what you mean, if someone wants me for money, they are not the best partner for me.
And yes, I feel like Fitxfearless does have some things backwards and him suggesting a man change his appearance and, yes, it is deceiving that he wants people to dress and act like something that they do not, and I agree with you, saying it strikes me as more of a manifestation of toxicity. For me, I don’t dress like a classy man that’s not my type of outfit and type and faking somebody you’re not is not a good idea, and I’ll genuinely lose my mind. And yes, I agree with you when it comes to the quality of matches, rather than how many matches you get. To be honest, I'd rather have fewer matches that are right for me than have more matches with people I don’t like and not good women to date.
And yes, I’m on the dating apps at the moment. I haven’t got many matches and I probably would have had more if I spent more money on the apps.
And yes, I’m going to write about how dating has been for me, probably in another post later today or in the reply message.
Sorry for the very long response I also had some grammar fix so you can read it better.

[SilverFalcon92]

And to respond to "can you tell me a little bit about how dating has gone for you" here you go.
So dating has gone I’ll say not the best because I don’t have as much dating experience as I should. I had only been in 1 relationship my whole life and the only reason we didn’t last long was because her family didn’t like me. To be honest, it’s a really long story and I can make a full details about it in the future, but beside that, I have never been successful at dating like when it comes to approaching a woman, it never went well. I wouldn’t say it was bad they just reject me a lot of saying "I have a boyfriend etc." it kinda ruined my confidence a bit I won’t lie, and it had me questioning if I'm ugly or not when I transfer to a different high school I never approach a woman again in person after that now I’m hearing people saying woman don’t want to be approach by a man and why man aren’t approaching woman anymore all through YouTube and mainly TikTok. And don’t let it be on the internet where I found somebody that was interested in me. That’s a whole neither story for another time. I feel like it’s really difficult to find someone who is interested in me the same way I’m interested in them. I never understand people who purposely leave people on delivery, playing mind games, giving mixed singles and leading them on, like all of those things is a huge turnoff. I wish people were more honest with their intentions and could reciprocate with the same energy. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to do that.

[mikky]

Hi silverfalcon92,
I think this all brings up that content about dating and masculinity can be pretty damaging or misleading. It can be profitable online to push very misleading, misogynistic, and factually incorrect information. What I hate is when folks make content that purposefully digs at common insecurities to turn a profit, or invent whole new things for people to worry about, as if we don’t have enough stress!

A few things I would like you to consider when you are finding/watching content about dating, relationships, and masculinity (and that includes when you are talking to us here) is:

1. Who made this? What background do they have? For example, are they a scholar? A doctor? An influencer?
2. Is this video selling me anything? Is there an online course, subscription, supplement, etc that they want me to buy?
3. Does this content suppose a generalization about a large group of people (like, “women hate when men do X,” but there’s billions of women in the world who all think different things!).
4. Are ideas here backed up with research/facts? Why/why not?
5. How does this sit with my values? You seem to have some personal ideas about what YOU do and don’t want, like, and think. Those are important too!

As for your experiences in dating, I am sorry that being turned down has felt like such a rejection or a blow to your confidence. I think building a foundation of self-worth and care for yourself can be a very healthy way to navigate dating. Like, just because that one person doesn’t like me, doesn’t mean I am unworthy/ugly/bad. "I have a boyfriend" really doesn't mean anything about you at all, it means that person has a boyfriend.

It sounds like you’ve got some pretty clear things that straight up don’t work for you, and if you don’t mind me twisting that into the positive, you seem to appreciate clear communication, honesty, and reciprocal effort/energy. That is important to know!

[SilverFalcon92]

1. most of them are influencers.
2. For one, I know there is a course they were selling and there was a video on their course, and they made a video on how to have a bigger penis. This is one of the videos that the person I mentioned earlier made.
3. And yes, in someway they claim that most women find this and that attractive, and I’ll have leverage.
4. I don’t think they aren’t, but I assume that’s what they experience and apparently other people are getting results, but I’m not sure if that’s true or not.
5. And for my value, it feels like it doesn’t, since I feel like I need to change my whole personality just to get a lot of attention from women, a woman. It feels performative. And yes, I do have an idea of what I want and like.
6. And you don’t need to feel sorry about my bad experience with approaching a woman. It’s not always the easiest to maintain that confidence. I know that one person who rejected me doesn’t mean much, it's just the consistency of it, which makes it feel like a complete waste of time and humiliating ritual. Sometimes I know that I’m not ugly or unworthy and for the have a boyfriend it can be true, but I feel like they are lying by that just to politely reject you.

[SilverFalcon92]

I agree people target these kinds of people just to make a profit off of people that want partner and relationship.

[char]

Thanks for sharing your observation! Seconding what Mikky said, yeah, it does seem like you've come across a lot of male influencers who share a rigid and misogynistic view of dating and masculinity. They assume every straight men and women have the same preferences, or that "each gender" tends to act in particular ways (e.g. the idea that men are more rational and women more emotional, that men only focus on appearances, etc.). Never mind that these ideas discount the diversity of humans: people who identify outside the gender binary and pursue non-heterosexual relationships exist, and even among cisgender, straight men and women, they have different ideas on what the ideal romantic relationship consists. Again, it does sound like these ideas do not land with you, too. Do you think it'd be helpful to limit or block exposure to this kind of social media content online?

As for your worries about not finding a romantic partner: this may sound cliche, but you definitely are not alone. It's definitely a concern for many young people, especially when they grow up with a culture that continuously promote romantic relationships to them. But by learning and discovering yourself, as well as figuring out how to bond with others in a healthy and respectful way, you'll be able to form positive, fulfilling relationships. Reading this might give you the reassurance that you don't experience this in isolation, and it's going to be okay: Why won't anyone date me?

[SilverFalcon92]

Thank you for reading my message. That means a lot, and thank you for telling me more about how people want relationships, and I’m glad I don’t need to stick to something I don’t want. I’m still learning about cisgender, non-heterosexual and they/them. It’s all new to me and yes you are so right about rigid view and misogynistic view and I have a strong dislike for misogynistic people and misandrist people too I was getting brainwashed by society norms and saying this is how you supposed to act and do, and you can’t do this because of your gender. And about finding a partner, I know I’m not alone with it, and honestly, I have a problem with wanting a partner and experiencing that. I’ll be checking a look at the article today.