I keep masturbating to a topic that makes me feel terrible and im having trouble stopping myself

[actualwitch]

So, for the past two years or so I’ve been looking into transformation kink stories and art, which I really enjoy! The issue is that one of the common transformation sub-genres, dronification, is somehow both very arousing to me and reminds me of some really bad childhood memories (not to mention I’m very much ideologically opposed to the concept of identity death). I keep coming back to these pieces of fiction even though afterwards my anxiety is definitely worse and so are my intrusive thoughts. I feel like there is definitely something that I find alluring about drone kink - I like when transformation fiction goes beyond a physical change and changes the transformee’s instincts or self-image, and drone fiction tends to feature changes like this much more frequently than other transformation subgenres. However, I also really do prefer when mental transformation ends up having some sort of self-actualization aspect, like for example if someone gets turned into a werewolf and ends up really liking it and using their new abilities in their everyday life to the point where their lycanthropy becomes intrinsic to their being (which has nothing to do with sex but its sexy to me nonetheless). I think part of the reason I don’t seek out as much erotic fiction that I actually wholely enjoy might be that deep down part of me is afraid of actually doing things that i like - this happens with monster porn but it also happens with tv shows, video games, books, etc that I know I enjoy. I know a lot of this probably falls under the jurisdiction of a therapist, but I was wondering since it’s kink-related if there was any advice at all that you could give that could help alongside talking to a mental health professional. Sorry this message is so disorganized and long, btw!

[lilikoi]

Hi actualwitch,

Thanks for your post!

I recently heard a quote about how wisdom is knowing what is good for you and doing it. It's hard to make a change when you also experience something positive. Do you ever engage with the other erotica that is more healthy? It sounds like you have a plethora of options! Maybe you could track the positive and negative experiences of self-pleasure in a journal to reinforce the positive and negative consequences for yourself. Does that sound like something that could help?

[actualwitch]

that sounds like it would be a huge help, yeah!! thank you, i’ll be sure to try that!!