Scarleteen

Hi, hope everyone’s doing well! I wasn’t sure where to put this, but figured I’d ask here.

Long story short: I just found out today that someone I’ve been dating for the past 4 months is starting testosterone gel tomorrow. I’m so excited for them, because I know this will help with their dysphoria! But part of me is also worried about the gel transferring to me, especially because I’m an AFAB singer and I don’t want to have any permanent voice changes.

I’m seeing them in-person on Sunday, and we’ll likely have sex, but I don’t want them to think I don’t support them and their transition, or that it’s just my OCD flaring up. I also don’t want to harsh their vibe since I know they’re understandably excited to start the gel tomorrow.

I love them and am so glad they’re about to start something that’s going to help them feel better in their body! I just don’t know how to bring this up to them before I see them in a few days (I figure it’d be better to bring this up before seeing them irl, so we can plan accordingly before I go over to their place).

For context: we don’t spend the night at each other’s place, but we obviously have sex in each other’s beds, and usually spend 10-12 hours together mostly cuddling and having sex after going on an outing (we only see each other once a week) before going back to our own homes.

Idk if transferring gel to sheets or during sex is a concern? Should they shower or do something else to prevent transfer before seeing me? How should we time this? And how should I bring this up to them before I see them in-person in a few days? Any insight or advice is much appreciated. Thanks!

Hey MusicNerd! I'm happy to hear that your partner is starting testosterone gel. I wish them well on their transition journey

According to research, testosterone gel transfer from skin-to skin can happen, but its effects on the other person will be very, very minimal and unlikely, especially if certain time has passed after the gel application and the gel has dried. As long as you and your partner don't immediately touch each other after they apply their gel, you should be fine. Your partner should let the skin where they applied the gel completely dry before putting clothes on, wash their hands thoroughly (if there isn't a specific applicator they use to apply the gel), and wait for a while (usually several hours, depending on the gel) before engaging in skin-to-skin contact.

I think your partner is probably curious and worried about this too, especially since it's only their first time. Their doctor should have informed them on how to use the testosterone gel, not to mention that the gel likely comes with a usage manual. Are you aware of how their relationship with their doctor is going when it comes to their transition?

Hey char, thanks for responding! I’m genuinely so happy for them I appreciate you breaking down how drying and all that works. On places like Reddit, transmasc folks there were making it seem like transferral is way more likely (even after drying), which is why I decided to check with staff here since I know you’re literally sex ed professionals!

And I didn’t even consider that maybe they are also concerned about not transferring to me! But they are a very thoughtful person, so that wouldn’t surprise me. And they just got the prescription from their nurse practitioner yesterday, so I don’t think they have much of a relationship yet.

Do you think it’s okay for me to ask my partner about timing/showering so we can prepare accordingly before I go to their place? And how should I phrase it? Obviously, I’d emphasize supporting them, because I’m so excited for them! But I feel like it’d be better to ask beforehand instead of just springing this on them in-person when I see them in a few days.

Hey there, MusicNerd.

This really isn't something anyone has to worry about so long as, as char said, the person using the gel is letting it dry all the way (and washing hands after applying, if they're using their hands to do that) after using it. If you or they wanted extra reassurance, they could just cover the area they applied it to, be that with a bandage, or, if the area is bigger than that, as it often is, a t-shirt or such over it.

And either way, you're not going to see something like vocal changes (though I get the concern, it's why I don't use T myself even though I'd benefit in other ways from it) from occasional secondary transfer even if it did happen. Most folks using T as a level for menopause care, which is much lower than for gender-affirming care, yet still much higher than secondary transfer, don't see things like vocal changes.

But by all means, I think you can say that you're psyched for them but a little worried about secondary transfer for you, so just want to make sure they keep that in mind and are generally cautious about it, including taking the easy precautions to avoid it. <3

Hi Heather, great to hear from you! <3 Thanks for explaining all that, I appreciate it. That all makes sense, and I’m glad the risk of any changes from secondary transfer is low. I’m so happy for my partner, and I’m glad y’all have experience with this.

I'm so happy to hear about YOU being so happy about a partner!!!

Aww, thanks Heather! They’re genuinely such a sweet person, and I’m so grateful for them.