Repairing my life (complex cocsa+rape)

[Vflower]

Hi. I am looking for some advice or possible paths of action.
I am a victim of cocsa early in my life-- I call it rape because I was penetrated with a tool by a cousin. I have been aware of this for almost my entire life, and I have tried my best to become a fully functioning person regardless. I was sexually assaulted again when I was ten on a school bus and dealt with near-constant sexual harassment since I started participating in a male-dominated school activity (which I have now since quit). I don't know if I am just unlucky, but I have tried so hard to live a normal life, and I was recently admitted to a really great college far away from the people and places that trigger me.
But I keep on encountering hurdles that set me back and completely destroy any semblance of normalcy I've tried to give myself. Last week I was playing one of my favorite video games and in a round one-on-one against a man I didn't know, he called me names that made me feel disgusted and tried to roleplay a rape scenario with me (calling me sweetheart, and baby). I immediately reported his account but not before he threatened me with actual rape-- I am rational enough to stay anonymous online and he does not actually know who I am. Regardless the fear was instilled and I spent the rest of the night nauseated, unable to function or do anything. I thought I was better but for the entire past week I am constantly on the verge of tears, thinking constantly at school and at home about memories of my cocsa I have tried to bury, disgusted with myself and unable to function normally. This has happened before but not to this scale, and I thought that with the amount of time that has passed that I could get through it. I have an excellent support system of friends and my caring girlfriend recognizes my trauma and supports me. However, I'm not able to access therapy until I go to college due to parent disapproval.
I'm not sure what to do if I encounter stuff like this in the future. I have basically researched the hell out of cocsa for the last eight years since I was assaulted, and I have charted myself a plan for coping whenever I get triggered. I also write tons of poetry and try not to shut myself down. But I don't really know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and unable to get myself out of this hole. I think that I never really processed my cocsa and I've been getting triggered every single day, constantly, for the past week. I just want to live normally and happily, go to college like any normal girl, and enjoy it.
Thank you so much for reading my post

[lilikoi]

Hi there Vflower,

I am so sorry that you had such a traumatic experience with your cousin, and then suffered assault at school, and now online. No one should have to go through that and you deserve to feel safe in your everyday life.

It makes sense that the recent online harassment would dredge up the traumatic experiences you have had. Abuse at any age is detrimental to feelings of safety, especially when there was no closure following the incidents. Have you ever been able to share about the rape with your family or cousin's family? Is your cousin someone who you are still in contact with or see at all? Even if you feel like it's been processed, something that harmful really benefits from additional support to work through all of the feelings that it causes and the protection your body does in response. Without access to a traditional therapist, you could speak to your school counselor about your experiences, particularly those that happened at school. Are you familiar with your school counselor? Is there another trusted adult at school or in your life you could confide in? Additionally, sometimes there are local offerings that offer youth counseling (like an LGBTQ center or church). In some states, 18 year olds do not need their parent's approval to receive therapy services.

If you would like help looking into any of that, fill out our contact form with your zipcode or city. Our team are the only ones with access to that and we can follow up via email with potential resources.

It's great to hear that you have done so much work on your own to recover from the various assaults. Poetry is a great way to process emotions. Beyond that, sharing about your experiences with your support network is particularly important following the recent harassment. Have you let anyone near and dear to you know how you are feeling and what happened? Also, are you still playing that video game or taking a break? It might feel helpful to find a replacement game while you recover.

[Vflower]

Hi, thank you for the response.
To add some context, my family is fairly small and close-knit. To this day I still wonder if my cousin actually remembers what happened, and as a result I keep him at an arm's length. My parents are aware I have experienced sexual violence during the other incidents, but I resolved to never speak about the particular cocsa experience with my family because I don't want to cause problems for them and for my cousin. I mostly feel awkward around him-- I don't want to villainize him in my mind, because he is such a nice, caring dude. I have no idea what occurred for us to have had that experience as tiny children, since I have long buried the actual details of that memory. However, I have spoken in depth about it with my girlfriend, and she has recommended me to look into therapy as well. I will look for a therapist when college begins this fall, as being away from my parents+family might be healthy for me, as well as the knowledge that what I say doesn't get transmitted along to my parents. My school counselor is someone I speak to regularly, but I've built sort of an "academic" type of presence with her, and I'm not sure I would feel comfortable speaking to her about such heavy topics, even though she might be willing to. I don't really have much of a trusted adult otherwise; I've found that the adults in my life tend to idolize me (is that the right expression?) and act as if I do not have any problems. But I will definitely look into the contact form, thank you for the helpful resource!

I was actually playing the game with my younger brother when this incident occurred. He helped me report the account and I called my girlfriend immediately after. I felt better after talking to her (and my brother's unusual helpfulness ) but the following night when I was alone again, I felt myself descending into a mental spiral that I haven't had in a long time. I've just been sort of in a funk all week. I'm a little worried that I rely on my girlfriend too much and this fall she'll be across the country, literally coast to coast, so I want to make sure I establish support for myself in college as best I can. I wouldn't say I game a lot, but I find it a good relief after finishing big exams or papers. I honestly feel disappointed that the game has been ruined for me-- I haven't played since then. I've been trying to read fanfiction that makes me happy for now and I wrote a long essay today that helped me cope. Just hoping I will feel better soon

[Becky]

Hi Vflower!

I'm so so sorry that you're dealing with something so heavy. But I am so glad to hear that you have friends and a girlfriend who are supportive of you.

I understand you are worried about building a good support system for yourself since your girlfriend will be across the country once you both go to college in the fall. So let's talk about what we can do in the meantime.

I don't know if you got a chance to fill out the contact form that lilikoi shared but if you send us an email with your state or zip code we can find more local resources for you, like potentially low cost or free counseling services, if that is something you'd be interested in. You are also ALWAYS welcome to come chat with us either on the boards or in our live chat!

I also found this from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

It's a collection of online communities for sexual violence survivors. Maybe one will resonate with you! But again, I am not trying to send you away! You are always welcome to ask for support here on the boards whether from us or from fellow users.

I think it's also really important that you have fun and joyous things in your offline life as well. It sounds like you have a great group of friends. What do you like to do together? Are any of them going to be going to college near you this fall?

I'm also sorry that your online gaming space got disrupted by a creepy asshole. Are there other games that you are enjoying right now? Maybe one that doesn't involve having to talk to people online?

I'm glad that you'll be more comfortable accessing therapy once you're away at college. College is also an exciting time to join clubs and make friends who have similar interests to you! But in the meantime, please let us know if there's anything we can do to support you. Below is an article we offer with some self-care tips. I hope you are able to find things in your day to day that bring you joy and make you feel fulfilled.

Self-Care: A la Carte

[Heather]

Hey there, Vflower. I just wanted to pop my head in and raise my hand if you'd ever like to talk with someone else here who is also an SA survivor, including assaults when I was 11 and 12. Sometimes it's just so different for us to talk with each other than it is to therapists, and our own support of each other can also go a long way if and when we have to wait for other kinds of support. <3

[Vflower]

Hi Becky, thanks so much for the response, and I seriously love your Ursula Le Guin signature I'll answer a few of your questions.
I filled out the form and was directed towards the PsychologyToday website to look for therapists in the area I'm going to college. I'll be honest, I was feeling positive yesterday about getting myself into therapy in college, but I feel pretty daunted at the moment. I've only had one experience with therapy in the past during early COVID and it was pretty awful (and unrelated to my sexual abuse, which I still don't know if I'll be able to speak about with anyone), so I guess I forgot to factor that in. And the cost is definitely a little scary, and I'm not sure how insurance will work since my parents are in charge of that at the moment.
I don't want to bother whoever's running the form again so I will maybe look more into support groups rather than one-on-one therapy. In the future I know I'll have to get actual treatment, but I am super nervous about it right now.
I checked out the communities you shared and registered for a few of the forums! I am always up for doing more research, though this is the first time I've ever actually posted on one (I'm quite proud of myself for that).
To answer your question about my friends, my friends and I love going to cafés to write fanfic. It seems kinda weird, but we love trying new places in the area and in the city and seeing how much fanfic we can churn out for our respective passions. We rate them and return to those who give our writing spirit a boost. Most of my friends are staying in the area, but one might be in the same state as me. Fingers crossed!
This weekend I'll be tabling at an art festival with my own pieces, so I'm going to work all week to prepare for that. It's taken my mind off my experience last week a good amount but I'm not going to try and avoid it too much. Sorry for sharing tons of random info! As I said, it's the first time I'm posting on one of these forums, so it's a little intimidating.

[Vflower]

Hi Heather, thank you very much for the caring response. I would enjoy speaking with you, would it be appropriate for me to ask a few questions here? Or is there another avenue for that? Thanks

[mikky]

Hey VFlower,
I’ll let Heather know you are interested in talking with them!

I think it makes sense to feel some waves of confidence and daunted-ness when thinking about starting therapy. I am really sorry to hear that your previous experience was awful. I have seen somewhere around 17 therapists in my life of going to therapy, and I can confidently say that therapy can encompass an extremely wide range of approaches/practitioners/experiences. Most therapists offer consultations where they’ll want to know if you have had negative experiences in therapy before, and can help you both assess whether it will be a good fit or not. None of this is to say that therapy is something you need to do or that we would pressure you towards. Therapy can be really hard. It’s also lifesaving. Support groups can be incredible too and in my experience can also add so much community that one-on-one therapy just doesn’t.

Cost wise, it can really depend on what insurance you have. Privacy around insurance can get a little confusing, but your medical records are protected under HIPAA now that you are 18 (regardless of how you are insured), and the main thing that your parents would possibly receive related to mental healthcare would be explanation of benefits, which are non-detailed statements. In some states, you can ask for those to be sent directly to you. I’ve been insured through my parent for my entire adult life (about to age out), and I get EOBs sent directly to me. I have a parent who is extremely unobservant and unobtrusive, and probably isn’t reading his own EOBs anyways, but the mental and physical healthcare I’ve received since turning 18 has been kept extremely private despite my insurance situation. Here’s two articles for more information on privacy:

https://www.zocdoc.com/blog/guides/what ... insurance/
https://www.bedsider.org/features/275-t ... -insurance

Congrats on being so brave and willing to be vulnerable and post here. The whole forum thing can be strange/intimidating and we’re glad you’re here. I love hearing about you and your friends- that sounds like such an awesome group activity and such a fun way to hang out. Good luck at the art festival!

[Vflower]

Hi mikky, thank you for responding to me. I'm glad that it isn't just me who had a bad experience in therapy. I don't know many other people who have been in therapy even once, so I was pretty discouraged by the experience I had. During that time of my life was when I had recently recovered more memories of cocsa and became averse to treatment after the therapist ascribed my struggles with my sexuality to depression and outed me to my parents (again). But I've read online about the magic a great therapist can do, and I desperately want to heal in ways I'm not sure how to do on my own. So I suppose I'll cope until I have sufficient medical access and the privacy to take care of myself.

Thank you for describing the process of privacy for my medical care, those articles were very helpful! Unfortunately, my parents had me sign a series of medical releases when I turned 18, so I do think they would be able to see (I hope that wasn't illegal to say online). They monitor what I say to doctors heavily since I came out as a lesbian even though it's been almost eight years, lol. I have no idea what the expiration period on those releases are but I'll look into it. When I have some space from my family in a few months maybe I'll try and call their insurance company, like the article advised.

I am hoping that I can explain adjustment issues and my previously diagnosed GAD as a sufficient reason for going to therapy in college to my parents, if they have to be aware of it. Thanks so much for the response again.

[Heather]

I'm happy to answer any questions you want to ask me here, and in the event that at any point talking about this feels like something you'd rather have be less public, I'm also happy to schedule a chat with you in our chat service. <3