A bit of a rambly brain dump
Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2026 10:29 pm
Hi
I just want to say in advance that this will probably end up being a bit of a long post, and there probably won't even be an actual question in here or much to respond to at all, but I just felt like writing my thoughts down and if anyone relates to any part of it I'd love to have a discussion
so I hope that's OK. I'm kind of exploring my thoughts and seeing how concrete they are by writing them down and seeing if they feel right instead of just floating around in my head lol.
Also I guess this could technically be in the Sexuality category because I'm gonna mention that too but I couldn't decide. And I've just started looking into this kind of stuff so sorry in advance if I offend anyone or use the wrong term, it's not my intent at all.
Oh and can I say that I love that "All of Scarleteen is made by people, not AI. NO AI TRAINING" is in the footer but at the same time hate that it's necessary
Anyways, finally... I guess I can start by saying I'm AMAB and have always found women attractive, but I've never really felt that strong a desire to actually have sex? (which I just found could still fall under asexuality, because I was just under the assumption that if you masturbated or fantasized you aren't asexual, but it turns out it's more-or-less just defined as "you don't want to have sex"). Even still, I would say I definitely am into the idea of having sex at least, it sounds fun and all that, even if it's kind of hard for me to imagine myself in the perfect/right scenario for it to happen? But I would do it and enjoy it if such a scenario presented itself.
One part of me that's maybe a little clearer is the aromantic side of that coin, because I feel pretty strongly - or actually I guess it isn't a strong dislike but more of a strong "don't care" sort of opinion in terms of having a romantic relationship? I kind of find that even in regular friendships they kind of seem like a bonus? on top of my own life? if that makes any sense. Saying that, I think I'm definitely underestimating the impact if I didn't have any friends, and it kind of sounds harsh which I don't mean at all, having friends is great, but if I, for example, don't see one of them for an extended period of time, it's fine... and when we meet up again it basically feels like there was no gap at all (other than like catching up on stuff that happened) and I don't really feel a negative emotion in that time.
Tangent aside since I've now talked about friendships more than romantic relationships, part of the difference I think is that, to me, romantic relationships seem like they're a whole thing, something that's way more complex and maybe at times annoying or a hassle, and so I just don't feel interested in that, the same way one might not be interested in, idk, changing jobs to something that's slightly worse but better pay (if this analogy lines up at all). And maybe I've just learned that from different media, again the idea seems kind of good, but I just realized I'm still imagining something like an even closer friendship, and then when I frame it that way it seems weird to say "well of course we'd also have sex since we'd be attracted to each other". Like what even is attraction? It's more than a friendship, and it's more than just thinking they're hot right?
Sorry if this makes absolutely no sense up to this point, I feel like it's only going to get more confusing as I keep writing unfortunately because I don't really know anything either. I guess it turns out this part isn't that clear either.
Even when women I'm literally friends with and who I think are attractive ask me out on dates, I get a weird feeling where I sort of feel nothing but I think it would be nice to feel something...? Like even the friends feeling almost goes away once it goes to the next level, even though I don't feel any negative / direct imposition towards them asking me that, and I'm excited to go. Maybe it's just nerves of wanting to make a good impression?
I can remember when I was in elementary school one specific moment sitting in class where I thought something like "ok, what girl in this class seems nice, oh her maybe, ok I guess we could get married" and obviously I had no idea what I was talking about, that's just not how that works. But thinking about this now, it's kind of crazy that I can remember having that thought from so long ago, especially given that I've never given these sorts of topics much/any thought before. Even now when I was researching asexuality/aromanticism, I found out that there's a whole bunch of sub-definitions (and I know they can be very helpful for lots of people, defining things and making talking about this stuff easier, so I don't mean anything bad by this) but my reaction was that I was a little overwhelmed by all the different terms, and didn't really know or even really care about which one best fit me. Like it's still just gonna be me, whatever this is. And I guess that's a bit hypocritical now that I'm making a post about it and all that, but yeah.
Woww I've really written so much and it's just half of what I planned to post about, because I haven't even gotten to the topic of gender yet.
I guess I can get into that if it's not way too much to read already. So I started thinking about this when I came across an article on here (that I can't find anymore) about someone who was saying they basically think about having a penis when they masturbate, and I was like woah I do the opposite, imagining having a vulva, and (maybe TMI) masturbating in ways "typically associated with women" (at least to me) like with a vibrator or the shower head (and I just found out about muffing where you can like have something to penetrate? which sounds really cool for some reason but also you can get a hernia if you do it wrong so idk). That article made me think like oh ok, it's a normal thing I guess, whatever, but then I started thinking more about it, and I sort of remembered some more things that are maybe connected like that.
This seems really weird and embarassing so don't ask me why I did this, I have no idea, maybe that's why I remember it somehow, because it was also a very very long time ago, I used to put toilet paper in my underwear and pretend I was on my period. Like bruh what. And when I used to play choose-your-own-adventure games I would always pick a female character. And I know everyone can do this regardless of gender but painting my nails sounds like a cool way to express myself (express what? idk, and I don't typically really feel much of a need to do that, like I just wear whatever clothes don't make me think "yeah that looks horrible") but also because at first glance it might initially come across as feminine? Or also like seeing female role models in the media and just subtly/unconsciously paying more attention than I pay to blog articles about male role models, although now that I think about it maybe there's just less of that in the media? Or maybe that's how little I pay attention to it.
I've also a lot of the time disliked the feeling of "post-nut clarity" because you just have no further interest in your genitals or body at all, like there's a huge crash and it's like OK done, quick gotta put it all away now, get back to what you were doing before. And I don't know how much of that is societal or actually biological, there's obviously a lot of things that go on in your body, but I came across a Reddit thread where women were saying they could notice a huge difference between their "male orgasms" and their "female orgasms" once they started hormones, things like how it feels way more intense through their whole body, how it's so good to feel so feminine in this way, and how they don't get post nut clarity anymore. And I was just like wowed reading that, since maybe it's also because now it aligns with your perception of your own gender, and like that sounds so much better and you don't have to permanently miss out on that experience.
But on the other hand like I look male and I'm totally just, fine, with that, I guess even more than fine, I like how I look in the mirror, but it's also just not really a big part of my identity at all either, it's just how you happen to exist. So I don't have any negative feelings about any of it, and I also don't think I have an interest in having typical feminine body features either, it's such a huge change and would be scary, and like I said it's not a big part of my identity. Although the male chest muscles have always reminded me of breasts... It's kind of hard to explain what I feel which is maybe why I never really give it much thought except for now, just because it confuses the heck out of me? Or maybe I actually just don't really care that much and am over-amplifying a few small things. I think if if I didn't care about it it would be fine like I haven't thought about it until now. Like I said before I mean whatever it's still gonna just be me whether I spend any time thinking about it or not.
But wow this turned out to be extremely long, and I thought the sexuality part would maybe have more relevance or add context to the gender part but I guess it isn't really connected. But this is some stuff that's been for some reason on my mind recently. If anyone reads all the way through, thanks <3 This was a whole essay fr and almost kept it in the drafts but we ball.
I just want to say in advance that this will probably end up being a bit of a long post, and there probably won't even be an actual question in here or much to respond to at all, but I just felt like writing my thoughts down and if anyone relates to any part of it I'd love to have a discussion
so I hope that's OK. I'm kind of exploring my thoughts and seeing how concrete they are by writing them down and seeing if they feel right instead of just floating around in my head lol.Also I guess this could technically be in the Sexuality category because I'm gonna mention that too but I couldn't decide. And I've just started looking into this kind of stuff so sorry in advance if I offend anyone or use the wrong term, it's not my intent at all.
Oh and can I say that I love that "All of Scarleteen is made by people, not AI. NO AI TRAINING" is in the footer but at the same time hate that it's necessary
Anyways, finally... I guess I can start by saying I'm AMAB and have always found women attractive, but I've never really felt that strong a desire to actually have sex? (which I just found could still fall under asexuality, because I was just under the assumption that if you masturbated or fantasized you aren't asexual, but it turns out it's more-or-less just defined as "you don't want to have sex"). Even still, I would say I definitely am into the idea of having sex at least, it sounds fun and all that, even if it's kind of hard for me to imagine myself in the perfect/right scenario for it to happen? But I would do it and enjoy it if such a scenario presented itself.
One part of me that's maybe a little clearer is the aromantic side of that coin, because I feel pretty strongly - or actually I guess it isn't a strong dislike but more of a strong "don't care" sort of opinion in terms of having a romantic relationship? I kind of find that even in regular friendships they kind of seem like a bonus? on top of my own life? if that makes any sense. Saying that, I think I'm definitely underestimating the impact if I didn't have any friends, and it kind of sounds harsh which I don't mean at all, having friends is great, but if I, for example, don't see one of them for an extended period of time, it's fine... and when we meet up again it basically feels like there was no gap at all (other than like catching up on stuff that happened) and I don't really feel a negative emotion in that time.
Tangent aside since I've now talked about friendships more than romantic relationships, part of the difference I think is that, to me, romantic relationships seem like they're a whole thing, something that's way more complex and maybe at times annoying or a hassle, and so I just don't feel interested in that, the same way one might not be interested in, idk, changing jobs to something that's slightly worse but better pay (if this analogy lines up at all). And maybe I've just learned that from different media, again the idea seems kind of good, but I just realized I'm still imagining something like an even closer friendship, and then when I frame it that way it seems weird to say "well of course we'd also have sex since we'd be attracted to each other". Like what even is attraction? It's more than a friendship, and it's more than just thinking they're hot right?
Sorry if this makes absolutely no sense up to this point, I feel like it's only going to get more confusing as I keep writing unfortunately because I don't really know anything either. I guess it turns out this part isn't that clear either.
Even when women I'm literally friends with and who I think are attractive ask me out on dates, I get a weird feeling where I sort of feel nothing but I think it would be nice to feel something...? Like even the friends feeling almost goes away once it goes to the next level, even though I don't feel any negative / direct imposition towards them asking me that, and I'm excited to go. Maybe it's just nerves of wanting to make a good impression?
I can remember when I was in elementary school one specific moment sitting in class where I thought something like "ok, what girl in this class seems nice, oh her maybe, ok I guess we could get married" and obviously I had no idea what I was talking about, that's just not how that works. But thinking about this now, it's kind of crazy that I can remember having that thought from so long ago, especially given that I've never given these sorts of topics much/any thought before. Even now when I was researching asexuality/aromanticism, I found out that there's a whole bunch of sub-definitions (and I know they can be very helpful for lots of people, defining things and making talking about this stuff easier, so I don't mean anything bad by this) but my reaction was that I was a little overwhelmed by all the different terms, and didn't really know or even really care about which one best fit me. Like it's still just gonna be me, whatever this is. And I guess that's a bit hypocritical now that I'm making a post about it and all that, but yeah.
Woww I've really written so much and it's just half of what I planned to post about, because I haven't even gotten to the topic of gender yet.
I guess I can get into that if it's not way too much to read already. So I started thinking about this when I came across an article on here (that I can't find anymore) about someone who was saying they basically think about having a penis when they masturbate, and I was like woah I do the opposite, imagining having a vulva, and (maybe TMI) masturbating in ways "typically associated with women" (at least to me) like with a vibrator or the shower head (and I just found out about muffing where you can like have something to penetrate? which sounds really cool for some reason but also you can get a hernia if you do it wrong so idk). That article made me think like oh ok, it's a normal thing I guess, whatever, but then I started thinking more about it, and I sort of remembered some more things that are maybe connected like that.
This seems really weird and embarassing so don't ask me why I did this, I have no idea, maybe that's why I remember it somehow, because it was also a very very long time ago, I used to put toilet paper in my underwear and pretend I was on my period. Like bruh what. And when I used to play choose-your-own-adventure games I would always pick a female character. And I know everyone can do this regardless of gender but painting my nails sounds like a cool way to express myself (express what? idk, and I don't typically really feel much of a need to do that, like I just wear whatever clothes don't make me think "yeah that looks horrible") but also because at first glance it might initially come across as feminine? Or also like seeing female role models in the media and just subtly/unconsciously paying more attention than I pay to blog articles about male role models, although now that I think about it maybe there's just less of that in the media? Or maybe that's how little I pay attention to it.
I've also a lot of the time disliked the feeling of "post-nut clarity" because you just have no further interest in your genitals or body at all, like there's a huge crash and it's like OK done, quick gotta put it all away now, get back to what you were doing before. And I don't know how much of that is societal or actually biological, there's obviously a lot of things that go on in your body, but I came across a Reddit thread where women were saying they could notice a huge difference between their "male orgasms" and their "female orgasms" once they started hormones, things like how it feels way more intense through their whole body, how it's so good to feel so feminine in this way, and how they don't get post nut clarity anymore. And I was just like wowed reading that, since maybe it's also because now it aligns with your perception of your own gender, and like that sounds so much better and you don't have to permanently miss out on that experience.
But on the other hand like I look male and I'm totally just, fine, with that, I guess even more than fine, I like how I look in the mirror, but it's also just not really a big part of my identity at all either, it's just how you happen to exist. So I don't have any negative feelings about any of it, and I also don't think I have an interest in having typical feminine body features either, it's such a huge change and would be scary, and like I said it's not a big part of my identity. Although the male chest muscles have always reminded me of breasts... It's kind of hard to explain what I feel which is maybe why I never really give it much thought except for now, just because it confuses the heck out of me? Or maybe I actually just don't really care that much and am over-amplifying a few small things. I think if if I didn't care about it it would be fine like I haven't thought about it until now. Like I said before I mean whatever it's still gonna just be me whether I spend any time thinking about it or not.
But wow this turned out to be extremely long, and I thought the sexuality part would maybe have more relevance or add context to the gender part but I guess it isn't really connected. But this is some stuff that's been for some reason on my mind recently. If anyone reads all the way through, thanks <3 This was a whole essay fr and almost kept it in the drafts but we ball.