Abuse: Perception or Reality?

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Ariel28
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Location: Tennessee

Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Ariel28 »

:!: Warning readers: There is graphic, possibly disturbing content below. :!:

A recent event has me confused as to how to handle it. The event led to me ending my relationship with my boyfriend as I felt taken for granted. Friends and family however, are really upset when I tell them about the event and say that it was date rape. All the research online talks about alcohol, drugs, or force being involved which wasn't the case here. However, their persistence makes me wonder if I'm denying reality or if they are overreacting because they care about me. Here is what happened:

He and I slept together for the first time recently - consensual. The next morning my alarm woke us and I blearily rolled over and turned it off before falling back asleep. I am a heavy sleeper so had no trouble doing so. Next thing I know, he has his knees on either side of my head with his dick at my mouth and his hands on my head. Still mostly asleep I opened my mouth as natural reaction which I guess he took for invitation as he pushed in. The angle and having him control the depth made it more like choking. Still half asleep, I turned my head and mumbled 'chokes'. He rolled over and moved me and my head down until he could control me to go down on him. It didn't take much longer at all for me to fully wake up at which point I sat up and stopped. I was really angry to realize he'd done that but due to my fear of confrontation merely said 'jaw hurts' when he asked why I stopped. (My mistake for not letting me know how upset I was.) He stopped and I didn't think about it again until after he left for the day.

Everyone keeps asking if I feel violated and saying that that was date rape. While I felt taken for granted, he stopped when I finally woke up enough to say stop. His actions were terrible and (along with other stuff) showed his selfish, controlling personality. I broke up with him soon after this event but never told him what was the final straw that led me to not give him another chance. Anyways, my question is: Am I in denial over the reality of what happened? Was that date rape? Or are my friends and family overreacting and perceiving it to be worse than it was?

If it was date rape, I seriously don't think he'd have meant for it to be rape. Do I need to discuss it with him so he can understand the ramifications or would I need to report it even though it's been days since? I would personally rather never have to talk to him again and have asked him to not have any further contact with me.

If everyone is overreacting, how do I let them know that I appreciate their concern but do not like them trying to make me a victim?

Any advice or clarity would be greatly appreciated. Thank you ~ Ariel28
Johanna
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Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Johanna »

Welcome to Scarleteen, Ariel.

I am glad to hear that you have ended this relationship, as it does not sound like this was a safe person for you to be sexual with. Your friends and family are right: what he did does indeed qualify as rape. Rape is any sexual activity that someone does not, or cannot consent to. This is why it is called rape when one person is drunk, for example: because they are not able to give meaningful consent. Neither can someone who is asleep. Some couples talk about this beforehand and negotiate situations in which it is okay for one partner to initiate sex while the other is still asleep. But I am not hearing that you had an agreement like that. So, he initiated sexual contact while you could not give consent to it. That means that it was rape.

I know that this can be tough to hear :( But it sounds like, on some level you already knew that this was not okay, and that is why you ended the relationship. However, that does not mean that you are in denial just because you do not feel violated, or like something major was done to you. Everyone reacts to sexual assault differently. Knowing that that was what it was does not mean that you now automatically have to feel a specific way about it. You get to feel how you feel. And if you think that it was a crappy, inconsiderate thing of your ex to do, but are otherwise ready to move on, then that is how you feel and it is perfectly fine.

The fact that this was rape, btw, also does not mean that you have to deal with the way that your friends and family are reacting if you feel that they are overreacting and like they are overwhelming you with their concern. So if you want to tell them to back off a little, you get to do that, too.

Whether or not you need or want to do anything about this is up to you. There is no requirement saying that you need to report what happened. You get to decide what you want to do with this.

Can we do anything to help you from here?
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." - Ayn Rand
Ariel28
not a newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2015 1:05 pm
Age: 35
Location: Tennessee

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Ariel28 »

Well, damn. You're correct that it's not the answer I wanted to hear but I was coming around to understanding that would be the answer anyways. This event literally happened a week ago so I guess I am still processing that as well as other things he said verbally within the past two weeks. I'll keep my support group close in case my reaction to it changes but I still feel like it was a 'crappy, inconsiderate thing' he did at this point.

I also really have no interest in re-establishing communication to talk it over with him. Thinking it over, I remembered him mentioning that if we broke up I'd find myself with a stalker. While I'm pretty sure he was joking, I'd rather keep my distance to ensure it's clear I'm not interested in any second chances. Also, though he never hit me he has admitted to reacting violently in anger before. I don't want to put myself in possible harm in case he would react that way still.

As for reporting it, I think at this point it'd be a "she said/he said" case and not do any good. However, I'll keep a watch out and should I even see him come to my house will immediately call the police and not try to confront him myself. He may not have realized anymore than I did what he was doing in the moment but all the same- better safe than sorry.

If you could help with advice for talking with my family, that would be great. I downplayed it with my friends but with my family I told them the full details without considering how it would make them feel. I wasn't thinking 'this was date rape so should be carefully mentioned and explained'. I told them nearly the exact description as stated in first post. My mom handled it fairly well, focusing more on how I felt. My sister (who was sexually abused by her step-dad) was very upset and is the main one pushing the 'don't you feel violated?' I know that there I touched on a sensitive topic with her and I really didn't mean too. She feels I should tell everyone in the family to have all their support but I don't want to. My dad also was very upset and specifically asked that I not share with my brother as he's concerned how brother will react. Further, my dad said that I shouldn't be so graphic. Considering that my dad helped me to buy condoms for safety when I first started dating as a teenager, I was a little taken aback by that. But now I think their reactions were because I process by talking things over- and I wasn't saying things in a way to consider their feelings on the subject but to help me process. I don't need them thinking I'm a victim. I don't like the image that brings to mind. I also want to try to explain I wasn't trying to hurt them by saying things so bluntly or graphically. Do you have any advice for helping them through this as they are reacting more strongly than I am right now?

Thanks.
Johanna
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 574
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:40 am
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: San Francisco

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Johanna »

You know, whether or not something legally fits the definition of rape has very little to do with how someone may feel about it. It is perfectly possible to feel violated by something that would not be called rape, just as it is perfectly possible to experience a rape and move on from that quickly. We are all different, we all react differently to difficult situations, and we all process them differently. So regardless of whether what he did was rape, the important part is how you feel and where you want to go from here.

It sounds like you have a very supportive family, and like their concern is coming from a place of love and care. Can you perhaps sit them down, individually or all at once, and say something like, "I really appreciate the concern that you have shown and I am very grateful that I have been able to come to you with this and get your support and help with it. However, I feel like you are reacting very strongly, and I don't feel comfortable with seeing myself or being seen by you as a victim. I am not affected by this in the way that you seem to be expecting from me, and I would appreciate it if you could accept that, and if you could support me in processing this at my pace and in my way". Does that sound okay?

Additionally, I think it might be useful for you to look into finding a neutral person for you to talk to about how you are feeling, in case you do want to talk more about this. That way, you do not have to worry about shocking or upsetting people. A professional counselor can help you process this at your pace without having any expectations of how you should feel or act. If you are in college, you can check if your campus has a counseling center, otherwise many bigger cities also have rape crisis counseling centers.

I am glad to hear that you are taking precautions and know how to reach out for help should this guy make more trouble, though of course I hope it does not come to that. It sounds like you're very self-aware and have a great support system around you, that's awesome and should help you a lot in getting through this.
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." - Ayn Rand
Ariel28
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Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2015 1:05 pm
Age: 35
Location: Tennessee

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Ariel28 »

I can understand how that would be. The law helps to define things but how we feel about events can be very different.

I will try that approach with my family and see if I can't try to help them calm down. I will also look into finding a neutral person to talk to while I process as I don't want to cause unnecessary stress on friends and family. I'm not in college, but I'm sure I can find some therapist or counselor in the nearby city. I've been meaning to find one anyways so I can see why I find confrontations so stressful and challenging. (Don't even like telling my roommate that I feel we need to talk about chores or such.) This will just push me to stop procrastinating.

Thank you very much Johanna for your clear advice!
Heather
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Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Heather »

Would you like some help finding services in your areas specifically intended for survivors, Ariel? If so, if you're cool tossing up a zip code here, we're glad to help with that. :)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 9564
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
Age: 54
Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
Primary language: english
Pronouns: they/them
Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Heather »

I also want to add that, by all means, what you have described here DOES fit the federal definition of sexual assault/rape, and would fit most state legal definitions as well. I tend to find that a lot of the time people think what happened to them doesn't, they simply are not very familiar or current with legal policies.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Ariel28
not a newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2015 1:05 pm
Age: 35
Location: Tennessee

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Ariel28 »

Thank you Heather, and that would be very helpful. My zip code is 37067. I'll be looking myself but any assistance would be appreciated!

I now realize that it's the lack of consent that legally defines it. Before I always thought it was if sexual activities happened after a direct 'no' was said. However, for something so intimate and vulnerable, it makes more sense that consent is required to initiate rather than non-consent being the only thing that stops the act.
Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 9564
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
Age: 54
Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
Primary language: english
Pronouns: they/them
Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Heather »

It's the other way around: sexual assault/rape is legally defined as something that happens without a yes. Make sense? :)

(And I'll look into those resources for you shortly!)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 9564
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
Age: 54
Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
Primary language: english
Pronouns: they/them
Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Heather »

Even if it's not super-close to you, I'd suggest starting here: http://www.sacenter.org/

If you can get to them to use their services, great. But if not, you can likely get them to refer you to someone closer to you.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Ariel28
not a newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2015 1:05 pm
Age: 35
Location: Tennessee

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Ariel28 »

Thanks! I'll try that resource first. Both of you have been a lot of help and I appreciate it.
Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 9564
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
Age: 54
Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
Primary language: english
Pronouns: they/them
Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: Abuse: Perception or Reality?

Unread post by Heather »

Glad to be so. :)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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