Scarleteen

Hello, I guess I should start by saying I've been really struggling recently.

For some background, I'm transmasculine, and I've struggled with intense gender dysphoria since starting puberty at age 10. Despite my best wishes, I was unable to go on any kind of puberty blocker, so puberty happened. By age 14, I was still very depressed, but I thought I was done. I thought my body had finally stopped betraying me. But, a few months ago, it changed again. My hips grew wider, again. At first I panicked, thinking I had gained weight (but that's a conversation for a different time), but no, apparently its normal.

It was hard enough having a teen girl's body, but now my body is changing again to that of an adult woman. I can't get over the feeling that my body is a betrayal; that I will never have autonomy over it. Will it keep changing and hurting me until I can't take it anymore?

Since I started showing more concern over my weight since my hips widening, my parents suggested exercise. But even exercise seems to agonize me. Everyone assumes it's because I'm lazy, but that's not it! When I sit still, I can pretend that my body isn't mine; it can disappear. But exercise makes me more aware of it than ever and that hurts so much. Add on being looked at and perceived by other people and I become some kind of hysterical mess.

Maybe it's normal for teens to be obsessed about their appearances, but I worry that this will affect my health. I don't want to remain unactive and I really don't want to develop an eating disorder.

Hey LopezMonty <3

I’ll start by saying that you’re not alone (either in your age group, or in general) for being concerned about your body and appearance. You’ve been through and are still going through a period of time where your body is changing a lot, and it’s understandable that these changes might feel unnerving, uncomfortable, or even distressing. I can also appreciate how these body changes are triggering dysphoria for you, and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with the feeling that your body is betraying you.

I hear you saying that you feel like you have no control over your body, and I can understand why you might feel that way, especially during this time of change. You’re right, too, that bodies continue to change throughout our whole lives. There’s an extent to which we can’t always control how our bodies change and look. But while we may not have control over how every aspect of how our bodies look, there are fortunately some things we can do to feel a bit more in control. This can mean dressing/presenting, moving around, doing activities in a way that makes you feel aligned with your gender identity. For example, I hear you mention that exercise feels really uncomfortable because it makes you aware of your body, and also because it’s uncomfortable to be perceived by others. How would you feel about wearing clothes during exercise that make you feel good and euphoric, or doing exercises that make your body feel like you’re moving in a way that you like more, maybe in a more “masculine” way? Also, is it possible to do any exercises at home on days when you want to not be perceived?

Let me know what you think about those initial ideas. We’re here for you and glad we can help support you through this. <3