Struggle to feel pleasure from the things I like or wrong expectations?

[CoolMan2000]

Hiya, it's me again.

Since the last time I was here, I figured out that the daily periods of anxiety that sometimes cause me to look at the kinds of porn I don't want to look at are seemingly (at least, from what I currently know) caused by my ADHD medication, but I'm also wondering if I can only really get the blood flowing to my nether regions from the things I don't like or think are "wrong."

A few days ago, I'd forgotten to take my medication (which didn't feel like a great day) and was aroused by pictures of some MMA ring girls. I don't usually go to content of real people (I've been more of a fiction type guy), so a part of me felt like I was wrong for this, but I threw the picture in a folder I have of images that, to my mind at least, are sexually attractive for me. Come the next day, I'm considering it normal, but I'm not getting hard to it. As a matter of fact, most of the images in the folder (mainly illustrations of muscular women, beautiful men and a few plus-size folks) don't seem to innately arouse me often. I don't know if I just have too great an expectation of them, but my masturbation seems to feel more like it comes from the pleasure of my own hands rather than whatever I'm staring at on my computer while doing so.

At the same time, though, it's not like those images NEVER turned me on! Internally going "Wow, cool woman who could probably hurl a car" or "Ooh, guy with awesome hips" are thoughts that put a smile on my face and sometimes do turn me on.

I guess I'm comparing it to the AI smut stuff I'd do that I didn't like and talked about in my previous post. I wonder if that stuff seemed to turn me on faster because I'd only be doing it when super stressed out, not helped by the fact that it was something I didn't like. And I think a lot of the time, I'd only be notably hard at the start, where my stress was greatest. Masturbation definitely feels right after the fact, while that stuff doesn't. It's like "Ah, I've pleasured myself within the domain of what I like. I feel in touch with myself as a guy and validated in my gender and sexuality." versus "I got hard to this thing that uses software I don't like, cuts a gash in my creativity, and may or may not have conflicted my gender identity and made me really uncomfortable as a result. All of which was for a momentary pleasure that I only sought because I got super stressed over nothing. I could've been working on something cool right now."

I guess I'm a little worried that I won't be able to get aroused to what I like. I guess just pleasuring myself while looking at what I like wouldn't be awful or anything, but maybe I'm just comparing it too much.

Sorry if this is a bit of a spiralling wall of text, I just wanted to get my thoughts out.

[Heather]

Hey again.

It's okay. Before I say anything else, though, can I check in with you and be sure that some of this isn't what you like? In other words, might at least some of this, based on your response to it, in fact, BE what you like?

[CoolMan2000]

I'm a little confused on what you mean by that. For clarification, the things I don't like are just the Mtf-transformation-weightgain hybrid stuff and anything involving the use of AI (generated images, roleplay with chatbots, etc). The things I do like are greater in number and variety, so I don't know if it'd be helpful to list 'em or not.

[Heather]

I guess what I'm saying is that given your reaction to this MMA content, it sounds to me like you do like -- AKA, are sexually interested in -- this. Whether or not something causes an erection for someone (be they someone with a penis or someone with a clitoris) isn't actually an indication of whether or not they're sexually interested in something, because people can have sexual interest in something or someone and still not become erect or not always become erect. Your own feelings about and ideas of what is sexually compelling to you are a much better indication of what you have sexual interest in than your erections.

Get what I'm saying and asking now, by any chance?

[CoolMan2000]

Thank you for the swift response! I think I'm getting it. I guess I just gotta try and keep that in mind when masturbating and probably in general, too. It's a little tough when I've spent pretty much most of my life thinking that an erection is needed to classify something as sexual interest for myself.

[Heather]

It might help to know that people can get erections and even have orgasms during sexual assault -- that's because those kinds of physical responses can happen for any number of reasons, including that the body sometimes misinterprets fear as excitement, or doesn't understand when, in our heads, we don't want or like something. That's one of many reasons why we explain to people on the regular that things like erections or vaginal lubrication should never be considered signs of consent or even sexual interest.

I do think you don't really need to be worried about any of this, though. Just because you have a sexual interest in or response to one thing doesn't mean you won't or can't to something else. You also will always get to choose what you do or don't do when it comes to sexual interest or response, so, again, it's not like that interest, response or both means you have to do anything with it you don't want to. Make sense?

[CoolMan2000]

Gotcha. Thank you very much!

[Heather]

Happy to be of help. <3