Scarleteen

So my dad just had "the talk" with me, except it was a little weird. Actually I liked how gentle and lighthearted it was. This is a difficult topic and my parents have a hard time talking about serious stuff like this and so this was a nice dynamic between us. I was kinda being playful and chill about it which allowed him to say more.
At some point we got to the "don't forget to use condoms" and "you aren't getting mtf vaginoplasty until you try out your penis at least once so that we are all sure you are making the right descision in changing your body in this much of a big way" part. I freaked out. I didn't really speak out, but still. I'm a girl born with a penis (transfem as most would call it) and I want it OFF MY BODY. I want a VAGINA and when I have sex I want their vagina and girls in my vagina. I have known this for four years??? It has been my end goal for my transition (biologically, I already acheived all / most of my socialogical goals for my transition hurrah!) since I was 13.
(This would probably be a good time to mention (before I start crashing out) that my parents have supported me in literally everything I do except in my pursuit of poly (which even though I am still attracted to people polyamourously I do not find those relationships alluring anymore) and in this. They love me and I love them too so much but this is just breaking my brain. I haven't told them about any of the experience that I have had with sex and sexuality because as I said they are shy about it and don't know how to talk about it.)
I cannot legally have the surgery until I am 19 years old, which already sucks because the end goal used to be 18 years old. I just want to get rid of this abomination sticking out of my OWN BODY and they won't let me do that until then. I had already come to terms with the time gap a few/a month(s) ago, but now I have to use this abomination to get it off???? I mean he's obviously bias, him and my mom had two children and probably did it more than that, so he must be like "oh it feels great you should really try it before taking it off" and I'm here thinking _well, FATHER, I already masturbated more than once, since I was 14 because I was curious and I have HATED it EVERY TIME but I still do it because I AM A FUCKING BASTARD WHO CANNOT GET ENOUGHT OF IT AND I HATE IT AND I WANT IT OFF AND IF (when) I HAVE SEX I WANT IT WITH A GIRL EATING OUT MY PUSSY._
Actually correction: I have already had sex several times; I do it giving pleasure to other girls and that is perfectly fine. I love it when they feel good and that is more than enough pleasure for me. I have managed to get pleasure in other ways that DON'T INVOLVE PENETRATION SO PLEASE WHY DO YOU SAY THAT????????? My dad told me "erm well actually sex starts when the penis enters the vagina" NO IT DOESN'T DAD. THERE IS A LOT MORE TO SEX THAN JUST THAT AND I AM DOING JUST FINE FINDING OTHER WAYS. I don't want to penetrate anyone with this demonic sausage and I just want it out and off my body before it comes down to that. Please please please I just want it offf.


aaaaaaaa this was it. what do i do? how can i tell him this? that I have had sex several times? that I have masturbated in the family bathroom every single month (and over a few time periods every single day) for the last three years and I hate it / I don't feel anything even though semen comes spewing out? fuck. I strongly dislike this. I want my girls touching my vagina and my boobs. I don't want any girls touching my penis.

( a lil more backstory, i discovered trans when I was 12. I started my transition with the way i present myself at 13. I started hormone therapy at 16 in may (2025), and right about last november i came to peace / satisfaction with the levels of femininity i presented myself. I am 17, and I was really planning to show up to college with a vagina)

Thank you sm for your help
- leaflet

Hey leaflet,

As I think you know, your dad, and really nobody but you, gets to decide how you have sex. Nope x1000000. Nope nope nope nope. I am very, very sorry that he said this, and thought it was an appropriate thing to say. And I don’t think you owe him the details or experiences of your private experiences with your body, and what has felt pleasurable and not to you. I know that gets really stripped away when you are a young person and when you are a person who is seeking extremely politicized and inaccessible healthcare.

I’m wondering how much conviction he has in this idea. Do you think this is something that your other parent would be able to intervene on? Is he the kinda guy who sometimes says something totally thoughtless, or is he usually careful with what he says? Even without giving him the full details of how you specifically feel around sex and currently having a penis, I think sharing the emotional side of things– that hearing this from him, when you usually anticipate support and love, was really upsetting– might be worth trying.

I also wonder if you would find it at all helpful to have us here write something to him explaining the importance of preserving your autonomy as much as possible, and not orchestrating your sexual activities? Or we could put together a bundle of articles/resources for you to pass on to him? I am more than happy to tell him that it is not appropriate, and why it is not appropriate, to tell your teenage daughter that she needs to have sex a certain way in order to earn medical decisions.

He is a very thoughtful guy and considers very thouroughly everything he says. My mom is no better in that aspect, she is a lot more emotional and squirmy about the subject, and would probably take my dad's side on this situation. Heck, I bet that they talked about this before we had the talk and after it too. They are so suspicious when it comes to conversations like this. ughh i wish that they were more open about this.

thank you so much for your support! it means a lot, i didn't know that it would. . A letter from strangers about this probably wouldn't be good, as he straight up told me that the (he and my mom) wish that I came to them with all my sex-ed questions instead of "strangers on the internet." He's not wrong about the strangers part, but at least here I feel understood and able to be open about my body and sexuality.

I actually had a conversation with my mom like yesterday day, where she told me that the reason that she is so squirmy about "that" (we were talking about sex but she was avoiding the word so i just straight up said smth like "we can mention sex you know?") is because her parents were so strict on her because they didn't want her ending up with a drunk abusive husband, so they didn't allow her any romantic freedom until she was economically independant and she was ready to marry the guy (huh??), and smth smth smth cheating smth smth multiple people in a relationship and I said "poly relationships exist mom. and they actually work out with the right people" and she didn't believe me. ughh. sorry im ranting but I can't really memntion this to anyone else


I think I'm just going to tell my dad after a while (a year? a few months?) that I had sex and hated it and I want a vagina please sign my papers (will they question when I had it? will they not let me go out anymore? will I need to move out to say i had sex? should I tell them I had sex for the first time at 13? should i say i've had more partners than I've had years in high school?)

and on the emotional side of things, they say that they want me to be okay with my body before I change it. They want me to come to terms with my past and learn to love myself as I am, which I agree with. I have gotten a lot less evasive of my penis; last year i wouldn't have been able to admit i had a penis. I still strongly dislike it and want it off though. I've wanted a vagina for as long as I remember being consious, and it really is the end goal. I would like to have a uterous and ovaries too and to have a menstrual cycle like a cis girl, but unfortunatley that isn't going to happen with the technology available to us today, so I just sit at "I just want a vagina." They are scared that if I still want more even with these substantial changes to myself so far, who's to say that I won't want more after I get the vagina? I don't comprehend how I could want more... femininity? than having a vagina? and heck, some girlies are so femininly fine and don't have vaginas or big boobs or dress slutty and stuff. I don't know how to tell them that I know what I want. also, how do I even know what I want? Sometimes i'm scared that this transition is all in my head because of i dunno something or someone i saw when I was younger and that these feelings aren't real, but I'm sure that they are. ughhh

Hey again,

So, it doesn’t sound like he’ll wake up tomorrow and go, “whoops! I just realized that was a crummy thing to say!”, but I do wonder if you take some time to feel your frustration and hurt, you might be able to have a better conversation with your parents in the future about this. Part of this will likely be helping them understand that loving yourself as you are does NOT mean you need to use your penis to have sex you don’t want to have.

Navigating talking about bodies, sex, all of this stuff with parents can be so hard, and props to you for trying. As your mom seemed to be communicating, our parents often have so much of their own experiences and histories and ways they were raised and feelings that will affect how they show up in these conversations. And it does seem like they want to try to show up for you, maybe in ways that are a wee bit impractical (yes, Scarleteen is on the internet, but we take a lot of care to provide accurate information, we are well trained to do this, our director has been steering this ship since 1998 and has been outstanding in the youth sex ed field for that whole time…so we’re often better equipped than the average parent to do sex ed ).

You say “They are scared that if I still want more even with these substantial changes to myself so far, who's to say that I won't want more after I get the vagina?”
Do you think that possibly, their worry is more about you not feeling a sense of self love and acceptance post surgery than it is about you wanting “more?”

Overall, I’m thinking that:

• Your parents care a lot about you and your wellbeing, and take great investment in your wellbeing

• You care about how your parents think of you, and do include your parents in your life, including in considering big and very complicated decisions and plans

• Your dad has expressed that care in a way that is wholly inappropriate (and more than a little ridiculous)

• Hearing that from your dad is upsetting in many ways, including the idea that this could present a barrier to accessing the healthcare you want, and in being able to have truthful conversations with him about these decisions and sex in general.

I hope that you can truly take some time to be frustrated/pissed off/upset at him if you need it– which, I think is really healthy for teenagers– but eventually, try to let him know why this is upsetting, rather than planning to tell him information he doesn’t actually need (or probably want) to know, or to lie.