Scarleteen

for a while now ive had a nagging feeling that im not a girl (since i was 12). i sort of shoved that aside for a while, but now at age 16, i think im a boy. well kinda? maybe? ish??? its confusing.

i want to be seen as a boy by others and i want to be masculine, but not in the traditonal sense of it. i want to wear feminine clothing and talk the way ive always talked and carry myself the way i always have and have long(er) hair, but i dont want to be seen as a woman or nonbinary. but, i feel less valid for feeling that way. every other trans guy ive seen wants a beard and other kinds of body hair and super short hair and muscles and stuff, but i dont really care for that kind of gender expression.

i dont really have a safe way of exploring because my parents are religious. theyll think that im "hurting the heart of god" and that i am a "masterpiece that was made the way i was for a reason" (but then that begs the question: why was i made this way if god doesnt want it? why was i even made in the first place if my existence is sinful and wrong? wouldnt it have been better for everybody involved if i didnt even exist in the first place?)

oh, side tangent, but this also makes love impossible for me. i feel like nobody wants me no matter what version of myself i am. ive never been asked out. im worried everyone sees me as either a weird and ugly girl or a girl faking being a boy. it hurts me really bad because ive spent so much time trying to convince myself that i dont care about love anyway and that its just not for me, but i want it just as bad as most other kids my age do.

what do i even do at this point? where do i even go from here? i feel terrible about myself. a song that i think describes my feelings better than i can when it comes to my relationship w my parents is IDSMILE by toa (im so dumb i have to fall back on song lyrics to even properly explain myself. ugh)

also, i tried telling my therapist, but she didnt understand. i dont think she understands me at all even when i try and talk to her. i hate everything and everyone (no i dont, im probably just mad at myself and shouldnt be saying such bad things)

this is going to be unedited, so sorry for how jumbled this is, i just have no one to talk to. being on this website is a form of desparation for me lol

Hey kawaiikamayuu, welcome to our message boards!

A few notes: We ask that your profile age reflects your actual age in our user agreements. This is important for a few reasons, including for the community that we work to build here. It’s clear that you are having a rough time, and feel pretty terrible about yourself, but saying that being on our site is a form of desperation, that could be pretty hurtful to all the other folks who use our services and to us who run them. Does that make sense? Please let us know if you need help updating your profile so it reflects your actual age.

Again, I can tell you are hurting really bad right now. I don’t know who among us doesn’t want to be loved and cared for. Often, our worries of how other people see us aren’t reflective of reality, and being trans/genderqueer does not make anyone unloveable or make love impossible. Or sinful, or wrong. I am sorry that you are getting messaging that says otherwise.

You said that “every other trans guy ive seen wants a beard and other kinds of body hair and super short hair and muscles and stuff, but i dont really care for that kind of gender expression.” Gender is extremely personal, and while we can share in many feelings and experiences and relate to one another, I think gender is very singular. Not all cis men want facial and body hair and short haircuts and muscles, right? Same with trans men. Short hair/muscles/beard is one very specific image of gender expression that I think plenty of people are not aspiring to. I think I know more trans guys who express gender through a lot of elfish or jester-type-accoutrements than I do ones who are into the specific expression of masculinity you shared. If you live in an urban or semi urban area, I highly encourage you to take a look at the other people in your community the next time you are out, on a bus, in a grocery store, etc. Not just people your age, but people of all ages. I think you’ll notice that very few men you see fit the image from above.

How long have you been seeing your therapist? I’m sorry that you are feeling misunderstood by her– do you have any sense of why she might not be understanding what you say?

What can we help you with here? Would you just like to vent? Do you have any questions?